So tonight I have some grand plans. I have some salmon in my freezer and a load of dirty dishes in my sink. I figure I’ll kill two birds with one stone and cook the salmon in the dishwasher while I clean my plates. ARE YOU SHANKING ME?!?!?! This is really happening somewhere?!?! And there…
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Lola after dark…
Lola was abandoned and suffered untold amounts of torture and emotional distress. No amount of money can compensate for it. However, to make the humans feel better she is requesting one case of Spam, low sodium, and two boxes of Twinkies. Lola has decided to create a stockpile for future traumas. Long story short, the Hubster…
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I may have to burn the house down…
I was thinking it would be great to decorate my house for Christmas. Not the inside, I already do that. Sometimes. In all reality I should tell you that my tree is small and in an ornate planter, sitting as a statement piece in my guest bedroom year round. At Christmas I just put it on…
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Please form a straight line…
Today I was online, reading Wikipedia as per usual. I was enjoying the Seinfeld television show write-up when I stumbled across blue clicky links. These blue links led to more blue clicky links, that lead to the Reverend Sun Myung Moon. Just like that, my reading adventure had begun! After reading about four or five…
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Yikes…what is that up your butt?!?!
There’s a very real possibility that this blog is going to end friendships. On the one hand, that’s good since I probably don’t want to be friends with a humorless stick up the butt anyways. But it’s bad since those people will be tripping me as I walk by. I better put on my knee…
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Captain Puppy Pants…..
Lola: Mommybeast, can I ask you a question? Me: Well, considering your face is two inches from mine….I guess you can. Lola: Did I brush my teeth? Me: Jeez, I should start napping in the bed, this couch puts me at puppy breath level. No, you did not brush your teeth. Lola: Don’t you think…
Read MoreThe turkey killed my family…
So I was very torn over writing this blog, but decided I had to do it or my head would spontaneously combust. I know some of you will disagree, such is life. Just please get to the end before your head explodes on your keyboard, mkay? I do not get the whole outrage over people…
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Scared, cold, and alone – a tale of survival…
There is danger lurking everywhere… especially the long hallways!
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The morning routine that will never be…
Anyone who truly knows me, knows one important fact about me. I absolutely loathe having to wake up any earlier than the exact amount of time it takes me to get ready – and getting ready should not take more than 20 minutes. I love, love, love my short haircut, but it can be a…
Read MoreSpell by rhyme…
I was happily minding my own business today when BAM! Out of nowhere came the realization that illiteracy is running rampant throughout the country. Social media has completely ruined us, and not in a good way. I was fine with people creating fun spellings in a hashtag format – sometimes the real word is just…
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Shank You Very Much 