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Needless to say, going shopping the Saturday before Christmas can get a little dicey. Especially when Target or the mall are involved. But I love holiday shopping and I figured all the cranky people went out on black Friday and all the happy people would be out with me today. Naively, I thought I could handle it.

And I ended up with 4 bottles of 120 proof bourbon.

So….(awkwardly clears throat)

Obviously, I thought wrong.

Jason and I decided to just get our errands done and commit to the horrors that awaited us on Saturday. And by we, I mean I made Jason come with me to avoid going to jail for shanking someone in a parking lot.

While in Target I was hugging a shelf and deciding how many rubber coated spatulas I needed to make my life complete. Jason comments that he thought the lady behind me was going to shank me with her shopping cart. I loudly commented back that I would smack her with said spatula if she got feisty.

Store one, we’re off to a beautiful start, aren’t we?!?!

We then had a quick, painless, and shank free Staples visit and I thought our day was looking up. Hahahaha, still naive. As we drive to the post office Jason starts to have a meltdown. He is about to use our car as a turbo charged shank to clear a pathway to drive. As he is yelling at everyone around him I start to think that between the two of us, someone is going to jail.

As long as the other one can go to the bank for bail money, we should be good to go.

We finally make it to Costco and we patiently wait for a lady to load her trunk with our blinker making us psychotic the whole time. It’s unbearable to have ticking when you are already feeling impatient.

And just as Jason turns the wheel to  enter the spot this fucking mini cooper cuts him off and pulls into the spot.

And I LOSE MY SHIT!!!!

I reach over and blare the horn while screaming at the top of my lungs. As Jason starts to freak out in his own cubicle of the car, I am hit with an epiphany.

We may both go to jail and who the hell is going to get the bail money?!?

We manage to pull it back together as the couple sit shaking in their car. We manage to park and get our 4 items and hit the checkout.

And guess who the FUCK is in front of me??? MINI COOPER SHITBAGS!!!!

As the bitch tries to explain with a “you didn’t have your signal on…” I cut her off to tell her we had our signal on for 5 minutes, it happened to turn off as my husband cut the wheel to get into the spot.

As she sits there gaping I respond with the most epic statement of my life:

“Karma is a bitch and you’ll remember this when the law of tonnage rears its head while you’re in your stupid flea mobile.”

A little advice for you people who want to ruin the holiday for the rest of us who actually enjoy holiday shopping. Calm the fuck down, stop waiting until the last-minute and then expecting all of us to move out of your way AND DON’T RIP OFF SOMEONE’S PARKING SPOT!

And shop online, save a life.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much

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