Needless to say, going shopping the Saturday before Christmas can get a little dicey. Especially when Target or the mall are involved. Yet I love holiday shopping and I reasoned that all the cranky people went out on black Friday. Leaving only the happy people out with me today. Naively, I thought I could handle it.
And I ended up with 4 bottles of 120 proof bourbon. So….(awkwardly clears throat)
Obviously, I was wrong.
Hubster and I decided to get our errands done and commit to the horrors that awaited us on Saturday. And by we, I mean I made Hubster come with me to avoid going to jail for shanking someone in a parking lot.
While in Target I was hugging a shelf and deciding how many rubber coated spatulas I needed to make my life complete. Hubster comments that he thought the lady behind me was going to shank me with her shopping cart. I loudly commented back that I would smack her with said spatula if she got feisty.
We’re off to a beautiful start, aren’t we?!
We then had a quick, painless, and shank free Staples visit and I thought our day was looking up. Hahahaha, still naive. As we drive to the post office Hubster starts to have a meltdown. He is about to use our car as a turbo charged tank to clear a pathway to drive. As he is yelling at everyone around him, I start to think that between the two of us, someone is going to jail.
The banks are closed, bail money may be a problem.
We finally make it to Costco and we patiently wait for a lady to load her trunk, with our blinker ticking away and making us psychotic. It’s unbearable to have ticking when you are already feeling impatient. Just as Hubster turns the wheel to enter the spot, a Mini Cooper cuts him off and pulls into the spot.
I lost my shit. I lost it entirely.
I reach over and blare the horn while screaming at the top of my lungs. As Hubster starts to freak out in his own cubicle of the car, I am hit with an epiphany. We may both go to jail and who the hell is going to get the bail money?!?
We manage to pull it back together as the couple sit quaking with fear in their car. We manage to park, get our four items and hit the checkout.
Guess who is in front of me!!
The Mini Cooper couple. As the woman tries to explain I seethe with anger and a bitter hatred for my fellow human. I respond with the most epic statement of my life.
“Karma is a bitch, you’ll get yours when you least expect it.”
A little advice for you people who want to ruin the holiday for the rest of us who actually enjoy holiday shopping. Calm the fuck down, stop waiting until the last-minute and then expecting all of us to move out of your way. Oh, and don’t steal someone’s parking spot!
If you can’t abide by these simple rules, shop online and spare us all your presence.
I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet
Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much