Seven ways to make yourself happy…

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Yeah, right. Did you really think I would know seven ways that would make every reader happy?! I can barely keep up with what makes me happy.

I will be re-releasing my old Heatherisms because I gave them a facelift. If I had to look at the bland, yellowish background for one more day I was going to die.

Or at least hit delete.

So here you go, Heatherism #1.

Heatherism #1

What makes you happy? And please don’t make me gag with stupid crap like “my spouse’s devotion.” We all know about that. Now we want real answers, like shark shows and sushi. At the same time.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much

When marriage counseling becomes necessary…

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While the Hubster may be in charge of financials at his work place, he refuses to do them at home because that is what will send him over the edge. I don’t know if the edge drops off into a deep abyss that he’s terrified of never leaving, or if he just doesn’t want to risk my wrath when he questions my pedicures…either way, I’m in charge of balancing the marital checkbook. (Pedicures fall well within the “Veterinarian” category of spending, right?!)

Good times.

Heatherism #28


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much

 

Yellowstone or bust…

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Today’s the day, we’re off to Yellowstone! Lola and I are going to storm into that place and snap as many pictures as we can. We estimate our Nikon camera has enough memory cards to take 10,000 photos. That’s TEN THOUSAND!

We don’t think it’s enough.

We’ve been generous enough to allow the Daddybeast to come with us on this adventure. Normally the Adventure Team consists of two; but like a great Marvel movie, we’re willing to allow stragglers to join in for a ratings boost. Just this once though, we can’t always afford to share our food!

Now, let’s get to the best part of today- the free gift certificate to my new store! Last week I posted that every commenter would get an entry into a drawing to win and I’ve done the drawing. Lola was present to ensure there was no funny business. And the winner is…

ALEXA C!!!! I will be in touch as soon as I return from Yellowstone next week so you can start your shopping.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much

 

Maybe we should warn the bison…

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What do you get when you mix Lola with a baby bison? You don’t know? Well, prepare to find out! Lola and I are taking our schtick on the road to Yellowstone National Park. We’ve arranged (with an employee we are related to) lodging inside the park and we’ve got it on great authority that the bison actually walk up to the front door. To prepare for our journey, Lola and I have been list making. The first list to be taken care of: medical items Lola may need when trudging about near random wildlife. We visited the vet to check on vaccinations and I was assured that all the current Washington state shots should cover her in Yellowstone.

I bet the Hubster $100 that Lola finds a mutant strain of bison virus that makes its way into her and then converts over to a human strain and infects me. Because you know it would happen to us.

So, our medical supplies have been packed, I have a canine first aid kit alongside my human first aid kit. I even bought Lola that adorable insect bandana that she doesn’t like because even though it says “odor free” I think that just applies to humans. Lola took one whiff and said she would risk Zika. Obviously, there will be a struggle each morning to place the bandana on a wriggling body.

Now, I’m off to convince the Hubster to allow me to purchase a doggy stroller for Lola’s safety. I plan on pointing out there are hot springs that actually get to boiling temperature and two people have already died there this year by falling in. I’ll be subtle (hahaha) when pointing out his refusal to purchase the stroller will inevitably lead to Lola’s death. And mine, because guess who’s not letting her boil alone?!

If subtlety doesn’t work I may need to draw him some pictures.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much

Yep, we’ve been here all day…

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You know that one episode of Seinfeld where Jerry leaves the apartment and Kramer immediately springs into action- moving furniture, inviting people over, and generally having a grand old day? Then Jerry comes home and Kramer is napping and he thinks that’s all Kramer did all day?

That’s Lola and I when the Hubster leaves for work in the morning.

This morning, mere seconds after the Hubster closed the door, Lola and I went on a tear around the house. We were chasing a ball trying to build up enough predator prowess that we might have a shot at keeping up with the bunnies that call our backyard home. Lola and I ended up slamming into one another in the hallway and having to catch a mirror that was falling off the wall.

Guess those bunnies will continue to elude us!

We immediately launched into a rousing rendition of “Get in the Bath” and I realized that Lola needs a swimming pool. She was really struggling to earn those Olympic gold medals in the tiny tub. Wrestling that porker out of the tub and into a towel left us both breathless. Side note: There’s a small possibility I’m out of shape. But just slightly, I mean, I blame Lola for being hard to corral because there’s no way I’m that out of shape. 

Lola and I ate lunch in the man room while we plotted how to takeover the room and turn it into a bouncy house. But not your average bouncy house, that wouldn’t be special. We want a really awesome dog version with tunnels that lead to treat pits and bubble machines that never stop pumping out bubbles to chase.

By the time the Hubster came home we were exhausted and napping.

Lola

He naturally assumed we had been sitting in the same spot all day.

Now, I have some really exciting news. Lola and I (by that I mean just me) have created a store on Zazzle. There is a ton of stuff featuring Lola, my witty Heatherisms, and bacon. I’ll be adding new items every Monday. Be sure to follow me on one of my social media platforms so you can get daily promo codes that result in your spending less money on hoodies and more money on bacon. Check out my store by clicking the link! Shank You Very Much

Just to check how many of you are actually reading this post, every person who leaves a comment on this post will be entered into a drawing to win a Zazzle gift certificate. I’ll pick a winner next week so make sure you leave a comment. You must be willing to provide me an email address to send the gift certificate if you win. I was going to ask for your firstborn, but then I’d have to feed it and send it to college and that all just seemed like a lot of work. An email address will suffice.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much

 

Going out on a high note…

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I just need to get something off my chest. It’s been weighing on me and I think I might explode if I don’t say it out loud for the world (or two people) to hear.

I am heartily ticked off that we are getting another Jason Bourne movie. Whew! That was really keeping me up at night!

Now, I know what you’re thinking; how can you not like Jason Bourne?! I do. Love the three movies, love Matt Damon. But we were done with Bourne. We moved on. We had Aaron Cross and a whole new direction of genetically altered misfits to follow. Hello, what about LARX?! Where is that buried?! How do we blow that program wide open?! The one guy we saw from the program was practically a robot. A robot, people!

And now we’re back to Bourne. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Matt Damon was pretty clear that they had beat that storyline to death. Hence, the moving to another character in the Bourne universe. A character who had a whole lot of room to go as far as plot.

Sure, we could all say that Damon is trying to salvage a career that had a few misses recently, but that can’t be it. The Martian was amazing and completely erased the Elysium movie from my brain, at least the parts I saw before I turned off the tv in disgust. I’m assuming this return to Bourne is due to some very large amounts of money being thrown around.

I’m going to go pray to the movie gods at an altar I have assembled out of empty spam cans and Twinkie wrappers. Hopefully this new Bourne movie doesn’t unravel all the good work Damon’s done, because there’s no way I can resist watching it.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

 

 

Now she’ll expect every wish be granted…

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Lola celebrated her 5th birthday this week! I made her a delicious puppy peanut butter cookie…and then I lit it on fire. She almost knocked me over trying to figure out why her cookie wasn’t being fed to her.

Every year I put a candle, every year she tries to eat it.

Needless to say, I didn’t get a picture because I was busy trying to keep the house from burning down. Myself and fire don’t get along, add in a Lola and the disaster we create calls for a rescue by The Rock in a helicopter. (Side note: I’m in love with the movie San Andreas and all its impossibilities.) Fortunately, Lola was able to make a wish and she made a big one. Lola wished for the Daddybeast to come home since he had been gone all year. Daddybeast is her cuddler at night, and they play video games together; Lola’s lack of thumbs is a problem but Daddybeast would never call her deadweight. Most importantly, Daddybeast makes sure I buy her toys at every opportunity.

The way this dog fawns over her Daddybeast you’d think I was a terrible person. Who made you a cookie?!

And the very next morning, Lola’s wish was granted; Daddybeast came home! When Daddybeast walked through the door and saw Lola, there was jumping and hugging and puddles of pee. Not to mention how Lola reacted to him!

I can only imagine how this wish being granted is going to go straight to Lola’s already inflated ego.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

 

Are you on the list…

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I’ve realized recently that I’ve got a pretty great group of friends. That’s not to say I didn’t know that before, but lately I’ve recognized that I have multiple people I could call to ask for bail money should a Taco Bell run end badly for me. (And you know it could! Read here and here if you haven’t read about my run ins with the police while trying to get some nacho cheese.)

These thoughts of friendship have spawned a new Heatherism.

A Heatherism


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

 

I almost always lose this game…

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I wrote this post years ago and realized that I am almost always the loser of this game. Lola plays it so well in our new house that I sometimes panic when I can’t find her.


Lola and I have a new game to play. Since she has spent the past five years shadowing me I decided to use her love to make life more interesting. There’s only so much potty monitoring you can handle before you start closing the door on your animal.

I started by walking into a room and yelling out “bye, Lola” at the top of my lungs and then closing the door almost completely. Within seconds the little fur ball would charge through like a hippopotamus and stand at attention looking at me like I was demented.

After doing this in every room of the house I started to get creative. I turned on the light in the spare bathroom and pulled the door almost shut. Then I walked into my bedroom and did the same to the master bathroom. I walked in the master closet, kept the light off and the door shut and called out “bye, Lola” at the top of my lungs.

I hear the Lola hippo bust into the spare bathroom. I wish I could have seen her puzzled face. She races back out and checks the living room. A few seconds later Lola’s in the master bedroom and busting in the door of that bathroom. She is puzzled, and this time I can see her thanks to the crack in the door. I almost ruined the whole game by laughing.

Lola flies out of the room and starts sweeping the house looking for the Mommybeast. As she makes her way back into the bedroom she seems to realize the closet has been overlooked. She barges in to find me.

We had to halt our game here because Lola got smart and wouldn’t let me walk anywhere without being right behind me. Literally right behind me. I could feel her feet hit my legs as I walked.

I gave it a few hours and decide to play again. I set up some rogue traps designed to fool her, then I get into my bathtub, lights off, and I am lying down with the curtain closed.

Ten minutes later and I am really questioning my decision to hide in a tub. I keep calling out to Lola and she keeps checking the bathroom. She even nudged at the curtain but not enough to see that I was lying down. Finally, I got what I had coming to me. Lola bum rushed the tub and jumped, landing her full weight on top of me. Fur went flying, human ribs took a beating and a shower curtain may or may not have needed to be replaced.

But it was all worth it. A few hours later Lola got up and walked away from me in the living room for no reason. She never leaves me, especially since the Daddybeast is not home. So I wander to the back room to see if she’s camped out on the man couch.

Nope.

I go to our bedroom to see if she’s trying to determine if this is the time she makes that leap onto the bed by herself.

Nope, no Lola.

I wander for a few minutes, trying to decide what she’s up to. I’m envisioning some sort of poop revenge for the game I played- and then I find her. She’s lying on the far side of the guest bedroom, wedged between the wall and bed frame.  She’s in a little ball, next to the brown curtains and almost completely unnoticeable. Lola bounces with glee and runs away from me snorting.

Too Close Lola

There’s a possibility that my dog is too smart and will eventually take over the world.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

All starving artists welcome here…

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I thought buying a house with a seven car driveway was a boon. It was not.

I spent six hours power washing my driveway, only to realize that I had another 12 hours of work to get it all the same color. My mistake began in thinking that my driveway was a dark gray cement…it is actually white. Had I known my driveway was white, I could have avoided the hassle and realized I needed to pay someone to clean this beast.

Or maybe just sold the house and advertised the beautiful grey cement as a feature.

But I decided that after six hours of labor and some white cement later, I’m committed to this task. My OCD tendencies will not allow this monstrosity of multiple colors to remain. I HAVE to make it all the same color!

12 hours of labor and three days later…

The cement is still multicolored. My back is on fire from leaning over and my forearms feel worse than the time I tried to mow the jungle before giving up. 11 squares of cement on my driveway, each square is a different color. My OCD is slowly driving me insane and covering the worst of the squares with my cars looks crazy because they are parked all wonky. I even called for a few quotes from professionals to come and finish the job.

Those professionals charge a fortune because they know by the time you are calling them you’ve realized you’ll die trying to finish the job yourself. I mean, this job is so intense I think I even see new muscles in my forearms- and I don’t like them.

I’m now debating hiring an artist to come in and paint a mural on my driveway. Someone willing to work for cake or cookies.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

 

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