I ain’t going back to prison…

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Today one of the Littles had a conversation with Lola. Now, as a Giant, I have an inability to decipher the code that Littles use when conversing with those of the canine species. So I’m going to sum up the conversation for you based on hand gestures, body language, and the inevitable betrayal that I witnessed.

The Little asked Lola to bust her out of daycare since the Giant wouldn’t let her do whatever she wanted to do. Normally the Giant is not such a tyrant but the Little’s goal of the day was to crush our tiniest daycare Little underneath her significantly larger body.

For no apparent reason that I could determine.

She may have wanted to test gravity. Or the fluidity of a tiny Little. Or she may have been trying to transfer her mass to him so that she could fit into her skinny jeans.

Lola decided to comply with the Little’s request for an escape from daycare jail. The Giant went to the potty, and when I returned Lola was pushing open the gate and the Little was halfway out of the opening.

The Little looked up and made eye contact with me, looked back at Lola, took a step back into daycare and said “no, Lola” as she shook her finger at the puppy.

The betrayal that runs rampant in my daycare is shocking. And in desperate need of a reality show film crew following us around.

Outsmart Lola


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Laying waste to the world…

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Today I broke our W Internet modem. On purpose.

Maybe we should start at the beginning. For those of you who are new to my blog, W Internet and I have been in an epic struggle for world domination for almost two years. Okay, maybe not world domination, but definitely a struggle for the speed and reliability of service I have paid for. Read my previous W Internet blog here.

I’ve known for about a week that my modem was about to die. It has a crappy signal, resets a thousand times a day, runs at very slow speeds – all signs pointed towards failure. Today it shut down to reset and wouldn’t come back online. I started doing what rational techies teach you to do in these situations. I unplugged the power cord, removed the battery back up, and unplugged the coax cable. I waited 5 minutes, then plugged it all back in and…..nothing. I calmly repeated the process and…nothing. I then called W Internet and have the company send me a signal refresh…nothing.

At this point I am getting impatient. I call W Internet back and I am put on hold. A little bit more impatient. A customer service lady comes online and without letting me finish my sentence – that I had already run all the tech support a customer can run – she cuts me off with a transfer to the techs.

Worst Person Award

KABOOM! My brain hits its limit of patience.

I picked up the modem and proceeded to calmly drop it on the ground and watch it break into two pieces. I’m feeling less angry now. The tech asks me what is going on and I proceed to tell him that my modem wasn’t working, it’s now completely broken, and I need a service call. He tells me the spiel about how he has to run through some tests with me and then he will get someone out. I repeat to him that the modem is completely broken and the conversation goes like this:

Him: How do you know it’s completely broken, ma’am? (With that really condescending voice that makes your blood boil and your head explode. Fucker.)

Me: It’s in two pieces.

Him: Why is it in two pieces?

Me: It seemed like a better idea than laying waste to the entire world.

Him: Oh boy, let me take a look at your notes and see what I can do. You’re probably going to have to pay for that modem.

Me: I’m not paying for anything, it was already a dud. I just saved you the disposal fee.

Him: Well, ma’am, you will have to pay since you intentionally broke it.

Me: Fine, I can send you a bill for all the minutes my service has been down and that should cover the cost. I mean, you can see on your screen how much time it hasn’t been functioning over the past two years, right? This is my third modem for crying out loud! And my psychiatric bill is going to cost you guys a fortune. This is psychological warfare you’re engaged in and I bet a jury of my peers in this state would rule on my side. I pay my bill, where the hell is the service???

Him: Well, I see a note here that all calls need to go to a manager so I’m going to transfer you to our senior tech advisor.

Me: I think that’d be wise. You don’t get paid enough money to deal with me and I would hate to have to eat your young.

Him: Yes, ma’am. (Said with all the relief a NORAD worker would use when turning over shift during a North Korean missile launch headed towards Alaska.)

The senior tech advisor comes on after about two minutes and begins his job of calming the angry customer and even maybe getting them to laugh. It worked. He tells me immediately that he is sending out a guy with a new modem, he will be to my home within half an hour. He said I would NOT be charged for the modem and he appreciates me not eating his young and laying waste to the entire world.

Then he makes a couple of jokes about how modems work so hard in my house they commit suicide by counter jump. Followed up by a little skit about what do you do when the modem isn’t working…take it to modem’s anonymous. I swear that guy is going to put jokes in my file just so I don’t kill when I need the next service call. He was fantastic and he gave me a credit for service!

All because I broke their modem on purpose.

That guy deserves a fucking medal!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Poll Tuesday week 15…

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This week’s poll is venturing into personal territory. I need to know how you clean yourself each day. Showers, baths, outdoor hose, ocean water, unicorn tears – I must know. Summer is rolling through and some of my friends are doing the Hawai’i thing with their kids, which apparently many people around the world find odd. Basically, you leave the kids in water all day and then at the end you just rinse them with a hose and put them to bed. Three months of no soap and very limited shampoo use – it takes me right back to my childhood.

I remember swimming in our pool for days, until the chlorine turned my hair green. It would be at this point that the bottle of shampoo would be tossed my way and I’d use it after leaving the pool. Than my parents would rinse my hair with the hose and the grass would die just a bit in that spot.

So vote now and hopefully my brain will stop asking this question and allow me to think about something else. FYI, I bathe in unicorn tears because water is cold in WA state.

Twitter Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

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Poll Tuesday week 14…

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I always wonder what I would do if I had a time machine. Maybe I could go back in time and do things a bit better. Like instead of only getting one Lola, I would have bought all her siblings and then had a pack of Bulldogs running around the house all day. I could have hooked them all up to a sleigh in December to take photos while wearing a dorky sweater.

Or maybe I would go back to my wedding day and actually pay attention. FYI, I don’t remember much of the day. And when I say not much, I mean it. I don’t remember a single vow I exchanged with Hubster. I’m not even sure it happened. I mean, there’s a marriage license that says we did it, and some pictures, but I can’t remember anything. I do remember one clear detail – when I threw my bouquet, it got stuck in the light fixture and we had to stop the dancing to allow someone with a ladder to fetch it back out.

So, head on over to Twitter and vote on what you would do if you had a time machine!

Twitter Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Someone hand me a sharp stick…

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It’s time for another Heatherism. This little gem of advice came about during a mental sparring match on Facebook. A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless*, was posting about the lovely weather we’ve been having here in the Pacific Northwest recently. I say lovely, but that’s a relative term. The weather was lovely to her while I wanted the cold, wet, gloomy days of winter to remain for at least another month, or 12.

Without further adieu, I give you Heatherism #35!

Heatherism #35

*Her name is April. Hey, I said she would remain nameless – I never said for how long!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:


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Get the experience you paid for…

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I’ve been cleaning up my blog to provide a better reader experience…

typing that first sentence made me feel like a hipster doofus.

It’s possible I’ve lived in the Pacific Northwest for too long because I now think everything is an “experience” and not just something to kill time with because you’re bored and the cable went out, leaving you with this blog as your last desperate attempt at entertainment.

You know what? Challenge accepted! Welcome to the Thunder Dome, I’ll provide you with some laughter and hopefully the cable will come back on momentarily.

Seriously, momentarily. I’ve only got this little meme and you’ll be done reading it in 10 seconds.

PicMonkey Collage-11

Well, that was it. If your cable hasn’t been fixed yet, you can always stare at a wall.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:


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Poll Tuesday week 13…

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What do you think happens when you get adults to choose between completely ridiculous options each week? I’ve been doing it for a few months now so I can give you the answer. You get ridiculously entertaining comments to read!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Today’s poll features beloved TV shows from the 90s. I anticipate people will be quite emphatic about why people need to vote for their show. I know I’m rooting so hard for Seinfeld that I may not be able to cope if it loses.

Don’t let me down people!

Head on over to Twitter and vote so I don’t cry myself to sleep tonight.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Fine, I’ll admit it – I was wrong…

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Hashtags make me want to shank someone. Or should I say #hashtagsmakemewanttoviolentlyshanksomeone?!

If you are a hashtag aficionado, this post may not be the one for you. Or better yet, read it and maybe you’ll see how us non-hashtaggers view you. I cannot believe I just typed the word non-hashtagger. Even more shocking was the fact that my spell check thinks this is correct. I have to go cry over the death of literacy and writing in America.

So hashtags came about from some weird concept that I would want to see every single thing ever posted on the internet just by clicking through a word/phrase of my choosing. Yikes, talk about internet tracking, we’re doing all the work for the government.

I know, I know, I know. It wasn’t intended for tracking by the government per se and you put stuff up on the internet only if you want everyone to see it.

But do we have to annoy the crap out of everyone with the hash tagging?!? I mean seriously, just write a sentence. Get your damn thumbs involved, hit that space bar!!! Using a tablet or smart phone??? Even less of an excuse for not making your finger journey to the forgotten button at the bottom of the keyboard!!!

Do I really need at my fingertips the ability to know everything there is to know about Kim Kardashian’s #bigass or the more politically correct #curvysilhouette? Or what Beyonce’s kid is sporting with her #bluivyshoes? Can I not just read one stupid tabloid article about it and then be done?!?!

NNNNOOOOOO, I must know it ALL.

And what makes it worse? Most of the time the hashtags make ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE! I mean, what does #off lead you to…surely the mosquito repellent? You’d be wrong on that! Or what about #pjb2013? Who the hell knows?!! There is absolutely no way to know until you have already clicked it. That’s like typing the word world into Wikipedia and thinking you’ll do some quick reading. Good luck, you’re not getting off that computer for hours!

I think we need to get some Harvard study going about the cost of hashtagging to society. The first aspect of the study could determine how much time each person spends a week trying to read the stupid mash-up of letters, number and symbols.

I’m willing to bet we are open mouth breathing idiots for at least an hour each day. Hashtag that, bitches!

I would LOVE to have more people read my blog, this would be a great thing for the world. Laugh, look over your shoulder more often, enjoy the antics of Lola and try to incorporate the word shank into your daily life. It’s a beautiful idea. But I refuse to spend another moment of my life transcribing these stupid hashtags and I WON’T add them to my blog for more views!

And if you happen to be one of those hash-tagging aficionados we talked about earlier and you feel like spreading my blog, I won’t stop you. May I recommend the tag #Lolawantstoshankhashtagusersforherdearmommy?


I first published this post 4 years ago. I was wrong. I love twitter and it’s my social media of choice at this point. I spend more time creating fun hashtags than I ever thought I would. My only regret is the time I lost while I was digging in my heels and trying to stop technology. But now, I embrace the robot revolution and look forward to my chip upgrade.

Robot


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:


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Poll Tuesday week 12…

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Wow! I have stuck with a blog series for 12 weeks! Someone get me a trophy!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

This week’s poll is exciting. Okay, in all fairness it’s probably not that exciting, but I am hoping to get some insight into how the minds of my people work. You can tell a lot from social media.

So, head on over to Twitter, vote in the poll, and maybe leave a comment so I have someone to talk to this week!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

When confidence turns into conceitedness…

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Post never ends

Well, I lost hours of my life – and a few million brain cells – singing this song to myself. It is a children’s song that was created by a diabolical monster who wanted to punish every single parent on the face of the planet. For some reason, it popped into my head and hasn’t stopped since. Apparently since I don’t have my own children, the child living in my brain has decided to torture the adult in my brain until one of them dies.

I am very worried.

Coincidentally, I am adding a new page to my blog where I give thanks to all the people who said I was awesome and then promoted me on their own websites. It will be the post that never ends since I plan on becoming more and more famous and having more and more and more people write that I’m awesome until the entire internet is filled with every page talking about the awesome sauce that my blog is made up of.

The base of that awesome sauce is probably Taco Bell cheese!

Go check out my new page! If you’re on my mobile site you need to click the menu button in the top left corner. If you’re on the desktop site it will be located just above the giant picture of me and Lola at the top of each page. Don’t get distracted by our good looks, check out the page! People are raving about me and I need you to see it.

Village Raise Blogger


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:


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This is a desperate plea for your help…

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I really hate asking people to do things for me, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Please, please, PLEASE, nominate me for this award! I really, really, REALLY want to win it. I’ve never won a single blogging award and these are a big deal.

Please.

Now, I went ahead a put this button below, just click the photo and you’ll be able to fill in the info. I want to win Reader’s Choice, because everything else is really not suitable for my blog. I am not new, sadly I’ve been blogging for almost 4 years and was hardly noticed by the blogging community before this year. I am not a mom, because those kids never go home and I need a lot of sleep! I am not a food blog (unless a Taco Bell diet now counts) and I’m certainly not a lifestyle blog – because it would be dangerous to have lots of me running around shanking people and slaying tender feelings with sarcasm.

Reader’s Choice it is then!

So please consider taking a few minutes to nominate me, even non-bloggers can do it and I really, really, really, REALLY want to win.

BritMums

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Poll Tuesday week 11…

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Another week, another poll on Twitter. Still recovering from the nightmare inducing tie, I’ve decided to ask a very simple question. What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Head on over to Twitter to vote and if you choose option D you are officially dead to me. You must stop reading my blog for the rest of your life.

Just kidding, but you are messed up and may need a tongue transplant.

Twitter Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: