Patient zero…

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Posted by in The Land of the Giant

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Since yesterday I have been on quarantine. I have four more days to go until I am allowed to see humans or leave my home. I would say it sucks, but I’ve been ordered by my doctor to sit down and watch TV for days on end.

I fully intend to become one with the couch cushions.

It all started yesterday when I went to the doctor. I had some gnarly symptoms that mimicked what another patient had presented with earlier this week and my doctor immediately went into serious mode. Serious mode is frightening. One throat culture and an EKG later and I have the flu. And not the nice strain, no, I’ve got H1N1 – otherwise known as swine flu.

food- spam

I’d curse the bacon but let’s face it, I love pigs and the delicious meat they provide to humans. 

Now I’m awaiting my cardiology referral because I had an irregular heartbeat and that has worried them. This in turn worried me, which is bad since my heart is already thumping wildly within my chest. I did get to wear a fancy face mask on my way out of the doctor’s office – that gave me a laugh as people tried not to stare and failed.

As a result of my diagnostic debacle, I had to notify another daycare of their contamination and they are all being treated with preventive drugs. I’m not sure anyone will ever have a playdate with me again! Hubster was also put on quarantine with me and even though he’s not sick, he gets to take medicine also.

The best part was to come hours later as I was ensconced on my couch munching on snacks. I received multiple phone calls from departments within the Navy hospital asking about all my symptoms and all of “patient zero’s” symptoms.

How often do you get to use the phrase ‘patient zero’ in conversation?!?!

So do me a favor people…if you have ANY symptoms of the flu, please go in to be seen or lock yourself away from everyone. Though the second idea is not recommended since this strain is killing healthy, young adults in their 20s and 30s. People who have received the flu shot are not immune, as evidenced by the fact that patient zero in this outbreak received a flu shot.

Now, I’m off to have my heart beat wildly, completely out of normal rhythm, while sweating and aching and praying for death. I have set my blog to auto publish for the next few days.

See you on the other side. Hopefully.

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

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When pondering life, it’s best to have an audience…

26 Monday Jun 2017

Posted by in Things That Keep Me Awake At Night

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Awake at night

Since I know you all want to peek inside my mind and see how it works, I thought I’d share the random tangents my brain explores during the dark hours when the rest of you are sleeping. Except the Brits in the UK, they’re actually awake when it’s my night so they get a frequent peek into my brain as I ramble on Twitter. It’s raw and unedited brain footage – I’ve seen more than one person running in the opposite direction when my Tweets start flowing…

Except the Brits are my largest group of readers and they respond to me online, so obviously they’re only running to get a snack before they watch what happens!

So here’s a few things my brain pondered recently.

IMG_7372

As someone who spent her first 24 years in Hawai’i, I would like to establish a ban on that movie for anyone under the age of 10. I loved the ocean until I saw that movie. I won’t even dip a toe into the water now. Jaws is waiting and he knows the fat kids are tasty.

My Eyes

It seemed fitting to throw in a Washington State meme now that I’ve called it home for 5 years. That blinding orb in the sky should stay hidden!

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

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Poll Tuesday week 15…

20 Tuesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Twitter Poll Tuesday Series

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This week’s poll is venturing into personal territory. I need to know how you clean yourself each day. Showers, baths, outdoor hose, ocean water, unicorn tears – I must know. Summer is rolling through and some of my friends are doing the Hawai’i thing with their kids, which apparently many people around the world find odd. Basically, you leave the kids in water all day and then at the end you just rinse them with a hose and put them to bed. Three months of no soap and very limited shampoo use – it takes me right back to my childhood.

I remember swimming in our pool for days, until the chlorine turned my hair green. It would be at this point that the bottle of shampoo would be tossed my way and I’d use it after leaving the pool. Than my parents would rinse my hair with the hose and the grass would die just a bit in that spot.

So vote now and hopefully my brain will stop asking this question and allow me to think about something else. FYI, I bathe in unicorn tears because water is cold in WA state.

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Poll Tuesday week 14…

13 Tuesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Twitter Poll Tuesday Series

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I always wonder what I would do if I had a time machine. Maybe I could go back in time and do things a bit better. Like instead of only getting one Lola, I would have bought all her siblings and then had a pack of Bulldogs running around the house all day. I could have hooked them all up to a sleigh in December to take photos while wearing a dorky sweater.

Or maybe I would go back to my wedding day and actually pay attention. FYI, I don’t remember much of the day. And when I say not much, I mean it. I don’t remember a single vow I exchanged with Hubster. I’m not even sure it happened. I mean, there’s a marriage license that says we did it, and some pictures, but I can’t remember anything. I do remember one clear detail – when I threw my bouquet, it got stuck in the light fixture and we had to stop the dancing to allow someone with a ladder to fetch it back out.

So, head on over to Twitter and vote on what you would do if you had a time machine!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Someone hand me a sharp stick…

12 Monday Jun 2017

Posted by in Heatherisms

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It’s time for another Heatherism. This little gem of advice came about during a mental sparring match on Facebook. A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless*, was posting about the lovely weather we’ve been having here in the Pacific Northwest recently. I say lovely, but that’s a relative term. The weather was lovely to her while I wanted the cold, wet, gloomy days of winter to remain for at least another month, or 12.

Without further adieu, I give you Heatherism #35!

Heatherism #35

*Her name is April. Hey, I said she would remain nameless – I never said for how long!

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

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Get the experience you paid for…

07 Wednesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Are You Shanking Me?!

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I’ve been cleaning up my blog to provide a better reader experience…

typing that first sentence made me feel like a hipster doofus.

It’s possible I’ve lived in the Pacific Northwest for too long because I now think everything is an “experience” and not just something to kill time with because you’re bored and the cable went out, leaving you with this blog as your last desperate attempt at entertainment.

You know what? Challenge accepted! Welcome to the Thunder Dome, I’ll provide you with some laughter and hopefully the cable will come back on momentarily.

Seriously, momentarily. I’ve only got this little meme and you’ll be done reading it in 10 seconds.

PicMonkey Collage-11

Well, that was it. If your cable hasn’t been fixed yet, you can always stare at a wall.

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

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Poll Tuesday week 13…

06 Tuesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Twitter Poll Tuesday Series

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What do you think happens when you get adults to choose between completely ridiculous options each week? I’ve been doing it for a few months now so I can give you the answer. You get ridiculously entertaining comments to read!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Today’s poll features beloved TV shows from the 90s. I anticipate people will be quite emphatic about why people need to vote for their show. I know I’m rooting so hard for Seinfeld that I may not be able to cope if it loses.

Don’t let me down people!

Head on over to Twitter and vote so I don’t cry myself to sleep tonight.

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Fine, I’ll admit it – I was wrong…

05 Monday Jun 2017

Posted by in Are You Shanking Me?!

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Hashtags make me want to shank someone. Or should I say #hashtagsmakemewanttoviolentlyshanksomeone?!

If you are a hashtag aficionado, this post may not be the one for you. Or better yet, read it and maybe you’ll see how us non-hashtaggers view you. I cannot believe I just typed the word non-hashtagger. Even more shocking was the fact that my spell check thinks this is correct. I have to go cry over the death of literacy and writing in America.

So hashtags came about from some weird concept that I would want to see every single thing ever posted on the internet just by clicking through a word/phrase of my choosing. Yikes, talk about internet tracking, we’re doing all the work for the government.

I know, I know, I know. It wasn’t intended for tracking by the government per se and you put stuff up on the internet only if you want everyone to see it.

But do we have to annoy the crap out of everyone with the hash tagging?!? I mean seriously, just write a sentence. Get your damn thumbs involved, hit that space bar!!! Using a tablet or smart phone??? Even less of an excuse for not making your finger journey to the forgotten button at the bottom of the keyboard!!!

Do I really need at my fingertips the ability to know everything there is to know about Kim Kardashian’s #bigass or the more politically correct #curvysilhouette? Or what Beyonce’s kid is sporting with her #bluivyshoes? Can I not just read one stupid tabloid article about it and then be done?!?!

NNNNOOOOOO, I must know it ALL.

And what makes it worse? Most of the time the hashtags make ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE! I mean, what does #off lead you to…surely the mosquito repellent? You’d be wrong on that! Or what about #pjb2013? Who the hell knows?!! There is absolutely no way to know until you have already clicked it. That’s like typing the word world into Wikipedia and thinking you’ll do some quick reading. Good luck, you’re not getting off that computer for hours!

I think we need to get some Harvard study going about the cost of hashtagging to society. The first aspect of the study could determine how much time each person spends a week trying to read the stupid mash-up of letters, number and symbols.

I’m willing to bet we are open mouth breathing idiots for at least an hour each day. Hashtag that, bitches!

I would LOVE to have more people read my blog, this would be a great thing for the world. Laugh, look over your shoulder more often, enjoy the antics of Lola and try to incorporate the word shank into your daily life. It’s a beautiful idea. But I refuse to spend another moment of my life transcribing these stupid hashtags and I WON’T add them to my blog for more views!

And if you happen to be one of those hash-tagging aficionados we talked about earlier and you feel like spreading my blog, I won’t stop you. May I recommend the tag #Lolawantstoshankhashtagusersforherdearmommy?

I first published this post 4 years ago. I was wrong. I love twitter and it’s my social media of choice at this point. I spend more time creating fun hashtags than I ever thought I would. My only regret is the time I lost while I was digging in my heels and trying to stop technology. But now, I embrace the robot revolution and look forward to my chip upgrade.

Robot

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Poll Tuesday week 12…

30 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by in Twitter Poll Tuesday Series

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Wow! I have stuck with a blog series for 12 weeks! Someone get me a trophy!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

This week’s poll is exciting. Okay, in all fairness it’s probably not that exciting, but I am hoping to get some insight into how the minds of my people work. You can tell a lot from social media.

So, head on over to Twitter, vote in the poll, and maybe leave a comment so I have someone to talk to this week!

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

When confidence turns into conceitedness…

29 Monday May 2017

Posted by in My Poor Friends and Family

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Post never ends

Well, I lost hours of my life – and a few million brain cells – singing this song to myself. It is a children’s song that was created by a diabolical monster who wanted to punish every single parent on the face of the planet. For some reason, it popped into my head and hasn’t stopped since. Apparently since I don’t have my own children, the child living in my brain has decided to torture the adult in my brain until one of them dies.

I am very worried.

Coincidentally, I am adding a new page to my blog where I give thanks to all the people who said I was awesome and then promoted me on their own websites. It will be the post that never ends since I plan on becoming more and more famous and having more and more and more people write that I’m awesome until the entire internet is filled with every page talking about the awesome sauce that my blog is made up of.

The base of that awesome sauce is probably Taco Bell cheese!

Go check out my new page! If you’re on my mobile site you need to click the menu button in the top left corner. If you’re on the desktop site it will be located just above the giant picture of me and Lola at the top of each page. Don’t get distracted by our good looks, check out the page! People are raving about me and I need you to see it.

Village Raise Blogger

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

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This is a desperate plea for your help…

25 Thursday May 2017

Posted by in My Poor Friends and Family

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I really hate asking people to do things for me, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Please, please, PLEASE, nominate me for this award! I really, really, REALLY want to win it. I’ve never won a single blogging award and these are a big deal.

Please.

Now, I went ahead a put this button below, just click the photo and you’ll be able to fill in the info. I want to win Reader’s Choice, because everything else is really not suitable for my blog. I am not new, sadly I’ve been blogging for almost 4 years and was hardly noticed by the blogging community before this year. I am not a mom, because those kids never go home and I need a lot of sleep! I am not a food blog (unless a Taco Bell diet now counts) and I’m certainly not a lifestyle blog – because it would be dangerous to have lots of me running around shanking people and slaying tender feelings with sarcasm.

Reader’s Choice it is then!

So please consider taking a few minutes to nominate me, even non-bloggers can do it and I really, really, really, REALLY want to win.

BritMums