It’s creative, it’s public, it’s the perfect revenge…

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There is one particular fear that every parent has. It rears its ugly head the moment their child switches from the toddler gibberish only a parent can understand, to full-blown sentences that the population can now interpret…and judge you for. Yep, that fear of the moment your kid drops a truth bomb about your parenting while in a public place.

You thought you’d get off scotch free for all those times you ate your child’s candy while he slept. But he remembered those times, and he plotted. When the perfect moment presented itself, he sought his revenge.

Creative public revenge

My friend was recently invited to her child’s school for a Parent Day. This may also be known as A Parent’s Worst Nightmare. It’s the day every parent wakes up and prays very hard that their child doesn’t tell people what happens at home. No one needs to know about mommy’s wine habit or daddy’s special words that are screamed at the television during a sporting event. My friend was feeling the stress. To compound that stress, she called me, an ex-daycare owner who likes to use the fear of parents for her own selfish amusement.

I’m aware I’m going to hell, but I’m enjoying the ride!

I’ve been telling my friend, who we’re calling Annie, to stop talking about her child when he’s in the room. Annie always defends it by saying Little Johnny doesn’t know the code she’s using and since he never hears his name, he can’t possibly think she’s talking about him.

First of all, Little Johnny isn’t a moron. Second, he’s the only kid in the house…who else would you be talking about?! Does your husband take the poop out of the toilet to perform experiments on?!

So Little Johhny takes his mom to school where he has to give a 4-year-old presentation of his family. The only way I could describe the carnage is with pictures and even that won’t do it justice. So I’m just going to give you the quote straight out of Little Johnny’s mouth.

“My mommy likes to talk on the phone a lot. She has nothing to say about herself because she’s boring, so she just tells everyone all the bad things I’ve done. My mommy shouldn’t do this because when she does bad things I’m going to start calling people on the phone.”

Yeah, you’re going to need to move now. And maybe change your name.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

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Poll Tuesday week 6…

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This week I’ve decided to move my poll back to a familiar topic. Much like the deserted island paradise I forced us to inhabit for the first ever Poll Tuesday, we’re going to be striking out once again with a hard decision and human survival resting on our shoulders. The zombie apocalypse is upon us and you have to choose who you would join forces with to survive.

So, head on over to Twitter to participate in the poll and hopefully I’ll see you when the zombies have been defeated. If not, I guess that means more Twinkies for me and mine.

Twitter Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

5 people who deserve their just rewards…

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In everyday life there are many annoying people. Whether it is the person who talks loudly on the phone in the grocery store, or the person who takes the last of the toilet paper and doesn’t refill it, we’ve all learned to tolerate these people as part of our species. Then there are those other people, the ones you can barely tolerate, the ones who deserve to be throat punched for their crimes against the other humans.

This is a list of those people.

Worst Person Award

1. The person who leaves their shopping cart in the parking spot. You are a lazy bastard who deserves to be throat punched by the little old lady who inevitably ends up having to get out of her car to move the cart that you abandoned in the spot. I hate returning carts, one of the very reasons that my groceries are delivered to my home! I recommend you do the same because that little old lady is going to use her purse to throat punch you and she probably has 50 pounds of loose change in there just waiting to crush your trachea.

2. The human who uses their phone in the movie theater. Now, I don’t mean talking because those people deserve so much more than a throat punch and I’ve never actually seen anyone with the balls to answer a call and remain seated. I mean the person who spends the movie on Facebook, or Instagram, or sending out tweets during the movie. You deserve several throat punches because your screen glare is interfering with my movie watching. And here’s another little newsflash, you are not that interesting!

3. The people who drive side by side on a roadway, taking up all the lanes so that faster moving vehicles cannot pass them. Are you trying to enrage everyone behind you or are you just that oblivious?! There are 5 lanes on the highway near me and I’ve watched as 5 cars matched speed and sat side by side with no one in front of them. It isn’t a one-time event either; it is a running joke in this area by us transplants. We cannot understand the mental state of the WA born driver who does this. Needless to say, I have mentally throat punched hundreds of drivers in the 5 years I’ve lived here. I can only hope to one day live here long enough that I achieve the blissful ignorance of the natives and it no longer bothers me, better yet if I do it myself without even realizing. Sweet, sweet revenge on those WA drivers stuck behind me.

4. The person who believes that pedestrians have the right of way and jump out into the street without any prior indication of their intent to cross…like looking both ways to see who is approaching. Yes, yes, yes, I am aware of the man-made law which says that pedestrians have the right of way. Are you aware of the law of physics involved with me stopping a car in enough time to avoid smashing you beneath my wheels like an insect?! You’ll be dead and I’ll be alive so I guess now that I think about it, you won’t really need that throat punch will you?

5. Last but not least, the person who uses your/you’re wrong. I can forgive the to/too (but not two) people because that could easily be fat fingers on a keyboard and/or a drunken moment of tweeting. Your and you’re is a completely different story! Extra characters, the apostrophe, the very concept that one of them is actually two words! If you are unsure of when to use your or you’re, spell out the two words YOU ARE so you don’t look like a fool. And if you are looks ridiculous in the sentence than you know it must be your. Virtual throat punches are coming your (SEE!) way and you’re (SEE!) the intended target!

So that rounds up the 5 most deserving types of people who should receive throat punches. As we live in a litigious society I feel obligated to say that I am not condoning the throat punching of any humans, even if they have broken the human code of conduct we all have come to accept as socially responsible living. If you throw a throat punch at someone, you had better get a lawyer and probably start running because that person may get up and start heaving blows right back at you.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

Poll Tuesday week 6…

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This week’s poll isn’t an anxiety inducing, nail-biting, nightmare causing think piece. Instead, we’re choosing what movie will be featured in my May movie night. I’ve selected from the Netflix UK catalogue because last time only my UK followers participated while the Americans did American things. I guess, I’m not actually sure. Many of them were posting silly status updates about their kids and whatnot.

Kids, ruining movie nights since the TV was invented.

So, head on over to Twitter to vote for the movie you’d like to “watch” with me in May! We’ve got a classic 90s flick, an 80s icon, an action legend…and a movie that crushes our spirit, makes us cry, and then leaves us smiling in the end.

Twitter Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

Poll Tuesday week 5…

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Well, last week’s poll was a fiasco. Over 200 years ago the Americas had a little tea party which kicked off a bid for independence from the people across the pond. Fast forward to last week on Twitter, when the British reclaimed all the ground we had taken. They voted coffee off the face of the earth.

Yep, that’s right! More people across the pond voted and the Americans were left reeling as they tried to imagine how people could choose their firstborn child over coffee. I mean, it sounds so silly when you sit back and think about it! I offered you a choice of giving up one item- coffee, chocolate, potatoes, or your firstborn- and I fully expected those firstborn children would be ditched without hesitation by my voters. Instead we lost coffee…

Because they like tea better. *cue uncontrollable weeping from the Americans*

So this week I’ve decided to pick a very safe topic before the voters try to take away the island paradise that they created in the first ever Twitter poll post I did five weeks ago. Head on over to vote on which superpower you would most want and let me know why!

Twitter Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

Key to a balanced budget when living on one income…

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This weekend Hubster and I convened the Family Budget Committee to discuss our purchases for the previous month and any upcoming expenditures that may not have the proper monetary coverage yet. I’d like to say that the meeting went well, but unfortunately the CEO of the Family Budget had a slight Amazon addiction that she couldn’t quite control.

By slight, I mean that I laughed as I blew through the budget and clicked the buy it now button repeatedly.

Amazon Shopping

So here I am, confessing to the internet world so you can all chastise me for my ridiculousness. (Though I’d really prefer if you’d just jump on board with me as I try to fire the Hubster from the Budget Committee so he can’t vote against me any longer!) I ordered from Amazon a total of 13 times during the month of March. Not 13 items, 13 orders. I know, I know, it’s absolutely ridiculous.

In my defense, that one click order button is like cocaine and some of the stuff was for the Hubster. Well, it was for his man room. Well, it was pretty stuff to make his man room look less like a cave and more like a room in a civilized home. You know what, I’m stopping before I dig this hole any deeper…some of that stuff was for the Hubster! 

Now, I have a plan to curb this excess of Amazon ordering in my future, lest Hubster get cranky and make me give up Taco Bell again. We made it 82 days the last time it was decreed that I was spending money faster than it came in, but I liked him a lot less during that time period. Frankly, I liked everyone less during that dark period of no nacho cheese. Sometimes I have nightmares of Taco Bell going out of business because of mean Hubsters and their silly budgets that attempt to civilize the population of nacho lovers who just want to drink the cheese from the little cup.

*wheezing after the tirade* But I digress.

I’ve disabled the Amazon one click ordering so I have a second moment where my brain can try to wrestle itself into not ordering so much during the middle of the night. I have also moved the phone just out of my reach on the nightstand because I swear I’ve woken up to emails from Amazon confirming an order I placed during the night. An order I don’t even remember making. (I kept these items because they were fabulous and my conscious brain loved them just as much as my unconscious sleep-brain loved them.)

Witty- 30s Nightlife

Now, I’m off to move all the stuff out of my cart because last night I placed 16 items in it while I was watching TV. Hey, I just wanted to be able to keep my eye on them in case their prices dropped. It’s called bargain shopping and it’s responsible.

I would like to note the hilarity of the moment I am currently experiencing. Hubster just came home from work as I finished this post and he’s dragging in boxes of stuff that was delivered. I almost had a stroke until I realized it was free stuff. Whew! My life flashed before my eyes.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:


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Poll Tuesday week 4…

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Another Tuesday, another life and death decision to make. Relax, take a deep breath, now exhale because today is going to be tough. This week’s scenario finds the earth doesn’t have enough space to grow all the varieties of crops we currently enjoy. You must choose one of them to disappear.

Now head on over to my Twitter poll to see your options and cast your vote! And check out the comments, those always get pretty interesting as people plead and plot to get everything without giving up even a single m&m candy.

Twitter Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

Poll Tuesday week 3…

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In today’s poll you have to choose only one monthly subscription for the rest of your life, because a wonky politician passed a law while you were busy napping. Internet is provided to all citizens. PICK ONE!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Join in the conversation by heading to my Twitter profile now!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

April movie event…

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UPDATE: Even if you cannot make it to the set time, you can still watch the movie and add your comments to the #SYVMovie. I’ve started the hashtag on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram! OOOHHH, I forgot about Instagram when I wrote the original post, feel free to post photos as you enjoy the movie and use the hashtag. I’ve also been asked what the # means, it stands for Shank You Very Movie but obviously that uses too many precious characters so I’ve shortened it to initials. #SYVMovie


As you all may remember, a few weeks ago my area experienced an earthquake that was large enough to be felt by us mere humans, not just the machinery that normally feels the shakes in our area. I ended up live tweeting my comedic thoughts while watching San Andreas and preparing my own plan for future earthquake survival. This turned out to be hilarious to many of my followers and you’ve been asking for more. Ask and you shall receive!

Starting in April, I will begin doing a monthly movie with anyone who wants to join in. Here’s how it will work:

Follow me on Twitter or Facebook. I’ve included links to my profiles, click on them and make sure you’re with me! I will do two viewings of the movie each month so that my UK followers and my US followers can both participate.

Show up at the time and date I’ve listed. By show up I don’t mean jump in an airplane and come to my home, you just have to navigate to a television and have your Twitter or Facebook with you. I repeat, stay at your home!

Have a copy of the movie. No, I cannot provide you with a free copy, that’s illegal and I’m already risking an arrest when I go on late night Taco Bell runs. You should also have snacks and a beverage of your choice.

Use #SYVMovie and comment along with me! We’ll all have some fun watching terrible and/or awesome movies featuring people who make a lot more money than us. And we get to do it in our pajamas. What a win!

Movie Night


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

Nightlife is different for those over 30…

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Last night was a weird night. Hubster and Lola went to bed at their customary 10pm and I was left to my own devices until I got sleepy. Sometime past 1am, after several snacks, a cheesy yet awesome SyFy movie, a home improvement show or 3, and a comedy routine, I was finally ready for bed. I snuck into the bedroom like a ninja, if a ninja stubs their toe on the bed frame and hops around until they collapse in a heap on the edge of the bed. But I was in bed, that’s all that really mattered.

They really need to make a movie about a chubby ninja who can’t maneuver in the dark, I could be the stunt woman on set!

Fast-forward two hours and I’m still not sleeping. I got so desperate to accomplish something that I laid in bed and shopped on Amazon. I loaded a cart, hit pay and thought that accomplishment would help my mind tick off one more to do item on the list and I could ease into sleep.

There would be no easing on this night.

An hour later, I was on Amazon once again, thanks to the iPhone stationed close to the bed. Order number two was placed and the phone abandoned once again as I sought out sleep. Sleep that wasn’t coming.

By 4am Lola was over my ridiculous antics. She literally kicked my ribs until I left the bed. I’d like to say that I’m the owner and I rule the home, but that would be a lie. I left the bed and decided to do something worthwhile until I could actually sleep. After spending a few hours organizing my office, the Hubster woke up for the day and ordered me to lie down and attempt to sleep. I fell into bed “for a short nap” and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

I was awakened four hours later by the ringing of the doorbell. A doorbell that didn’t work when I moved into the home but I foolishly thought was worth fixing. I am regretting that decision and will be disconnecting wiring as soon as I’m sure I can stand on a ladder without falling off. So, I guess that would be never.

I obviously didn’t make it to the door to see who was there, my clumsy ninja routine also plays out when I leave the bed each morning. I did however check my email and like a drunken person looking at text messages from the night before, I am baffled by the things I bought on Amazon.

Nobody warned me about these pitfalls of being in my 30s.

30s Nightlife


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:


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