The reign of terror begins with one oligarch…

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

I know I promised this post a few days ago, but writing it has struck fear in my heart. I needed to gather my courage to denounce the injustice I received at the hands of a tyrannical oligarch. The oligarch who birthed the mind that writes this blog.

Worst Person Award

That’s right, the first award goes to Mother.

I recently went on a trip home to Hawai’i where my family spoils me with all the food my island heart (and fat kid body) wants to eat. On my first night home, I expected there to be rivers of sushi, mountains of mac salad, a plethora of sticky rice. Father wanted McDonald’s.

One wonders why Father isn’t receiving this award first, but Father had rescued me from the airport and immediately whisked me away to eat sushi. Father also lets me have any food I want, so if he needs McDonald’s that badly then who am I to hold a grudge. Besides, Mother went into protest mode and said she wanted something else. She promised we’d get our own food before going to the McDonald’s drive thru. Off we went and Mother pulls up to…Subway.

What?! Ok, I love Subway, I can deal with this. Heck, it’s one of the places the Hubster hates, so as far as I’m concerned this is a win for Mother. And then it all went wrong.

I order my sandwich and Mother begins to order hers. First they don’t have the sandwich filling Mother wants, then they don’t have the bread Mother likes. Mother announces she won’t be getting anything but I should continue to order mine. I assume Mother is going to be joining father with a burger from McDonald’s.

Mother and I get back into the car and as I’m happily plotting my attack on a footlong sandwich made just the way I like it, Mother drives past the McDonald’s. As my befuddled mind tries to sort this out, Mother makes another turn and I know instantly where she is going. The betrayal of the next few moments burns so deeply into my psyche that I may never be the same.

Mother pulls up to the Taco Bell window.

As I begin to weep, Mother calmly orders her meal. She then proceeds to pay and then hand me her bag so that she can drive. She HANDED ME THE BAG knowing I had to eat a sandwich. A sandwich that had once been revered but had now become an oppressive weight on my lap.

No amount of bread was going to make me feel good this night, the night that Mother proved she was the tyrant I always suspected her to be.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much

Presidents, protesters, and the chaos of peace…

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

I had to take this morning off to watch the inauguration and stare with dumbfounded shock at the “peaceful” protests that were being held in Washington D.C. So here we go, my first (and hopefully only) political post ever.

Why do people who are protesting, inevitably end up smashing the property around them?! The protestors on TV today were smashing up a Starbucks to announce to the world that they are unhappy with the new President because he’s going to destroy the entire world. I hear what you are saying, but smashing the Starbucks seems pretty ugly, and hypocritical, to me. Starbucks, the company who has pro LGBTQ policies and supports initiatives to improve the rights of the group. The company who supports education and has incentives in place to assist their employees with dreams of college. The company who believes in advancing the civil rights of every minority group in this country. You smashed their property to advance your own cause, without a thought to the fact that you hate Trump because he’ll smash your cause to advance his.

You cut off your nose to spite your face.

I may not have wanted Trump, and I didn’t want the Clinton option either, but this is how our country works. We vote, and then we commit to honoring the results. Just like athletes are forced to high-five their opponents after a game, we endeavor to congratulate the winners of the election. If we instead dissolve into street fights and damage property as we see fit, then we may as well admit we are no better than the countries we denounce for allowing terrorists to run amok.

So let’s pull it together people and do what we have done after every other Presidential election- work for our causes. Protest in peace, because no one listens to the petulant child smashing up windows. Work with your representatives, nominate new leaders, and trust that our system will persevere like it has since 1776.

Now, I can’t leave without having something lighthearted so I’d like to discuss another news topic that was trending today: the massive alligator in Florida. This guy, named Humpback, is over 12 feet long and spends his days happily strolling about in the wild and causing tourists to flee. Well, some tourists.

Florida is now reporting a massive increase in tourists visiting the area to see Humpback for themselves. Let me tell you something though, this isn’t a zoo. This isn’t a sanctuary that has Humpback in a fenced area. Humpback is roaming at random in the wildlife preserve. And now he’s got plenty of fresh meat for when the mood strikes him.

Mark my words, someone will get eaten and then the internet will stumble upon my blog to see for themselves why it happened. So I’ll leave them with this.

Alligator question


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much

Coffee, unicorn tears, and a cold wasteland…

Tags

, , , , , , ,

I started writing this post and thought it would be one or two paragraphs at most. I should have known better. 

Last night I discovered what a weirdo I was. I mean, I always knew I was weird, but last night really drove home how weird I was. I met a new blogger friend who is from Hawai’i, until the military ripped her from her beloved island just like it did to me. So here we are, two sunshine and rainbow island girls, stuck in the cold wasteland that is the mainland.

I don’t know if she’s in a cold wasteland, but I’m in Washington state and it is a cold, rainy, gray-coated existence. And I love it! Sure I miss the sunshine, I miss the rainbows, I miss the mild temperatures; I don’t miss the endless sunburn to my vampire like skin, the cost of a gallon of milk, fueling up my car while I plotted a second job to cover the cost of the fuel, or looking at houses and realizing the Hubster and I would have to live in a shack…or in my parent’s home.

Wait a minute! I just realized that if I lived in my parent’s home I would have access to a pool, a hot tub, free food, and central air conditioning. So now I’m not only a weirdo, I’m ridiculously short-sighted for moving away. Great.

Now back to the weirdo moment. My fellow island blogger asked me what type of coffee I liked. It was a surprising question, but I set out to think about my complex answer. Poor girl thought she was just going to get a response like “vanilla latte” but she’d soon come to realize my thoughts are never that simple.

You see, I hate hot coffee. It’s just gross. No matter the flavors of sweeteners or even how much coffee to milk ratio there is, I don’t care for it. Startling enough, I love cold-brewed coffee. Not that nasty iced coffee, no no no! Iced coffee is disgusting hot coffee that has ice thrown into it thinking we’re foolish enough to admit to liking it because it’s not the hot version. Those people are silly. It’s the same coffee, same bitter flavor, same ugh.

Not cold-brewed coffee. I don’t know how they do it! It’s coffee that tastes delicious. It’s like the beans morph in the process of brewing and become palatable. Bitter flavors disappear and you are left with unicorn tears. Delicious, precious, unicorn tears. The cost confirms cold-brewed coffee is brewed in unicorn tears.

I don’t know how cold-brewed coffee is made, and I don’t want to know. It would be just my luck to find out something disgusting happens, like the coffee beans that come out of bat shit before you drink them. Then I would have no more delicious cold coffee in my life. I would miss out on that moment when the caffeine hits the bloodstream and my normal over exuberant personality starts shaking and speaking in volumes only dogs can hear. I’d also miss out on the eventual crash as the coffee leaves my body and I become comatose, wishing I had more, more, MORE!

Now that you know my views on coffee (how did you live before knowing?!) I think I’m going to pop out to get a giant cup of it and then come home to shake uncontrollably in private.

Cold Brewed Coffee


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much

I’m a little bit scared for you all…

Tags

, , , , , , ,

So I’ve been challenged to blog every day for an entire month. Normally I post 5 or so blogs a week, sometimes less and sometimes more. It just depends on how much of my crazy I’m willing to let the public see.

Well, now there’s no avoiding it. I’m going to post every day for the next 30 days.

I guarantee nothing. Sometimes you may get scared. Sometimes I may get scared. Some posts may just be a grocery list.

Who the hell knows!

Join me on the wild ride and cross your fingers you come out alive.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much

The new me still looks like the old me…

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

It’s a new year and I’ve decided it’s time for a New Me. A New Me who writes more blog posts each week. A New Me that tries to find the good in humanity. A New Me who uses less sarcasm since that seems to cut some people and they find themselves a sad panda for days after reading. A New Me that eats less cheese and maybe a few more salads to promote some weight loss.

And now that I’ve written all those ideas down, I have decided they are crap. Yep, I’ve given up on resolutions for a New Me so you’ll just get more of the same me. More blogs where I make fun of humanity for being ridiculous. More sarcasm because it makes the world more lighthearted. And more cheese, just because it is delicious. Now for some updates on what I’ve been doing while not sitting in front of my blog.

I went to Hawai’i to visit my family and I gifted them with the plague. That’s right, I brought some terrible germs with me on the plane and then one by one the family members fell around me. I would say it was glorious but it really put a crimp in our eating out, which is one of my top things to do when I go home for a visit. I was so sick that I couldn’t even stay awake for New Year’s Eve, which is the BEST holiday in Hawai’i. We shoot illegal fireworks, throw poppers at each other, and generally try to burn down the state in just one night. And I missed it. My childhood friends kept calling and pestering me to wake up, but I slept blissfully with my nieces as the fever raged through our bodies.

Stupid plague.

I am still Taco Bell free. For those of you who are new, I am trying to save up money for a plane ticket to see my friends on the East Coast. The Hubster has been less than supportive of this since I am a starving artist who makes very little money as a writer while he works to support my blogging dreams. Hubster said he would have more sympathy for me if my Taco Bell habit didn’t cost us $100 each month. So the challenge was extended to give it up and use that money for a plane ticket. And I have made it so very far without Taco Bell, but the commercials being aimed at me all over the internet are making it difficult to resist the call of the nacho cheese. And it doesn’t help that I keep googling pictures of my delicious cheesey goodness.

Taco Bell Free 1

I had to get a new monster graphic because the old monster was about to start killing in the name of cheese.

I’ve also come up with a new blog series that I’ll be featuring and I think you’re going to like it. I’ll be using this award to publicly call out those who have slighted me, delivered an injustice where I am concerned, ate the last of the macaroni and cheese, or looked at me in a funny way. I’ve already targeted two people to receive the award so I’d be very careful around me if I were you.

Worst Person Award

I can already feel people avoiding me.

Now, I’m off to finish the cartoon I’ve been working on for you all. It’s a very rudimentary drawing but it’s my first one and unless you want to receive the yellow award, you’ll compliment it.

Editor’s Note: This blog may contain sarcasm. A lot of sarcasm. Try not to take life too seriously as we inaugurate the next President of the United States who may or may not have an addiction to Twitter. Also try to smile more, it really throws cranky people off their game and it burns 0.001 calories each time you do it. So if you smile 3.5 million times then you’ll have lost one pound. (I don’t know if that smiling thing is true but by posting it on the internet I think it just kind of makes it true, right?!)


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much

It’s just a little tight on me…

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

I decided to check into my blog after the third Twitter message came through asking if I had finally eaten the Twinkie that took my life. No, no Twinkies have killed me! I’ve been spending some time with the Hubster who is lounging at home for a few weeks. I’ve also been preparing myself for a visit home to Hawai’i to see my family. Now for those of you who don’t know, I have two nieces (ages 1 and 4) thanks to my older brother. The 4-year-old, Eliza, is my mini me. She looks so much like me that when I first met her, my sister-in-law handed Eliza to me and said I must be the real mother. She also acts like me, in a scary way that I don’t think the world is ready for. The only thing Eliza inherited from someone else is her tall and thin genes- she sure as heck didn’t get that from me!

I’d be jealous, but she’s so damn cute!

Anyhow, I’ve been preparing my rib cage to take the beating I know is coming. You see, my niece hugs people in excitement the same way I do…with extreme aggression. The hug starts off okay, with the recipient a little frightened by the intense look on our faces but committed to receiving their hug. Then the arms band around the recipient slowly, with increasing pressure until the recipient realizes they are immobile and doomed. That’s when the hugger moves in for the kill. With a final squish and a happy shake, the recipient is released back to the wild- bruised and unsure what just happened to them.

It’s like hugging a boa constrictor.

hug

You’ll be getting new blogs when I return after the New Year’s holiday and I’ve already assigned Eliza some things to do that I know will result in blogging gold. And I’m hoping the young one, Louise, can be recruited into the fun, though I haven’t seen her since she was a newborn just trying to learn how to draw oxygen into her lungs. I figure Louise has been ruled by Eliza for about a year and a half now, so she’s either an evil dictator plotting to overtake the home, or she’s a partner in crime who will sit in timeout with us.

Before I go I’d like to share my greatest accomplishment of 2016.

Witty- True Friendship 52


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much


These are some great linkups that I participate in!

 Diary of An Imperfect Mum
Pink Pear Bear
3 Little Buttons
DIY Daddy Blog
Hannah Spannah

Why you shouldn’t compromise in your marriage…

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Everyone has the key to a successful marriage. Whether or not that key actually works for a marriage is another story. My favorite “key to marriage” trope is compromise. Everyone touts compromise like it’s the second coming of Christ and your marriage will be peaceful and harmonious if you participate in it.

That’s not exactly true, is it?

Let’s face it, compromise is a big pile of loser mixed with the bitter taste of failure. It ends in a bowl full of “no one wants it” and no one really feels like a winner. You just feel like not as big a loser.

I would like to give you the flip side to this advice. Fight. Fight hard, fight long, fight loudly. Someone will come out the winner, someone will come out the loser. But at least you won’t be sitting on the couch at the end wondering why you both feel like losers.

witty-compromise

It’s like those sports kids play where there is no scoring; everyone is a winner and no one is a winner. Who wants to feel like that?!

Writer’s note: In the interest of not seeing every single one of my friends’ marriages end in divorce, I think it should be said that this post contains a lot of sarcasm. The Hubster and I do compromise…we take turns winning the fight. 


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much


These are some great linkups that I participate in!

 Diary of An Imperfect Mum
Pink Pear Bear
3 Little Buttons
DIY Daddy Blog
Hannah Spannah

Many pizza rolls were harmed in the making of this blog…

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

Well I’ve done it! I’ve beaten (or eaten) my way through a two-week slump where there were virtually NO funny ideas coming out of my head. I just woke up each morning at a reasonable hour, thought mundane things that made no one laugh, and then went to bed promptly at 10 each night. The Hubster has a boring day job and we live like we’re 90 years old.

But not anymore!

For the past two days I’ve worked hard to wreck this whole routine so that my brain could regain its fabulous sense of humor, complete with twisted ideas on what is considered fun in polite society. (You’ll hear more about that later.) First, I stayed up two nights in a row until I saw the sky start to turn blue again. When my eyes were blurry and burning, I would tuck myself into bed and not awaken until lunch time. Second, I ate a lot of pizza rolls. I mean a lot. Normally it only takes a nachos and a burrito from Taco Bell to get my creative ideas flowing, but pizza rolls don’t have the same magical power as Taco Bell cheese so I improvised.

I ate hundreds of pizza rolls over the course of two days! I’d like to say that’s an exaggeration, but I buy them at Costco and more than one box was consumed. Every time I started to get jittery and twitch, I’d pop a pizza bite into my mouth.

My creativity is back baby! My stomach is slightly off-balance and I feel exhausted just thinking about moving from any position, but none of that matters. All that counts is that my humor has returned. (How long do you think it will be until I can stand without wobbling again?! Nevermind, not important!)

Now, I’m off to write more posts while my body recovers from the 26 foot walk to the computer from the couch. And just so you know, there is a right way to eat a pizza roll and I will share it in another post. FYI, it takes 6 bites. I KNOW! Just blew your mind when all your life you’ve been popping them in your mouth whole and chewing.

Like an animal.

pizza-roll-powers


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much


These are some great linkups that I participate in!

 Diary of An Imperfect Mum
Pink Pear Bear
3 Little Buttons
DIY Daddy Blog
Hannah Spannah

I wish I had a cooler story…

Tags

, , , , ,

I broke my foot. Once again, I have broken my foot and I have no idea how or when I did it. For about three weeks my foot has been in pain, most days I just limp around the house in denial that I need to see a doctor. Today was the end of that denial. I woke up and put my feet on the floor to get out of bed and the searing fire that roared up my leg told me I couldn’t ignore the foot any longer. I hobbled around feeding Lola, who was very distressed at my ridiculous attempts to walk.

One hour and an x-ray later, I definitely broke my foot. I couldn’t even begin to tell the doctor how I did it. But you, my dear readers, you will get the real story.

I broke my foot walking. Yep, that’s it. Thanks to my muscular dystrophy I have ridiculously fragile feet that attempt to murder me on an hourly basis. I lift my foot, the toes flop back down, I almost trip and die. Every day, every single day, I give my feet a pep talk about just staying up when I lift them and not dropping back down and trying to trip me…usually resulting in some part of my foot being fractured. But thanks to my form of the disease, drop foot is going to happen no matter how many pep talks are given.

Foot in boot

So now I’m wearing a boot. Not the stylish kind that make fall so much fun, but the kind that announces you are a klutz, incapable of even walking without injury. The worst thing about this whole thing is that it’s my driving foot. That means I can drive but I have to take the stupid boot on and off to do so. Seriously, that’s more work than I’ll ever put in to leave the house. Frankly, just the battle to put on jeans overwhelms me on most days…pajamas should be acceptable forms of clothing in any situation!

So now I’ll be a hermit for the next week, or three. I don’t know if I’ll really make it that long in the boot since it’s been only two hours and I already want to bust free. But on the bright side, now I won’t cave in and eat Taco Bell.

Witty- True Friendship 30


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much

 

The swirling cloud of doom…

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

Someone asked me recently who my best friend was. I was thrown for a loop because as an adult, having a single best friend seems oddly out-of-place. I have a “best friend” at every duty station the Navy has put us in. Heck, I have more than one in most places thanks to the revolving doors and endless moves we Navy wives make. Defining just one best friend would be impossible and would make everyone feel worse.

With Christmas coming, I’m not risking anyone’s ire.

That being said, I was inspired to create this by my recent futile attempts to save up the plane fare to visit a close friend before she lays waste to the West Coast in order to get me back on the East Coast. She warned me not to buy a house…I did. She warned me not to make any improvements to said house…I did. She warned me not to buy anything that wasn’t a dire necessity, even toilet paper was deemed extravagant…I did. But these faults should all be forgiven when she sees this:

Witty- True Friendship 22

Now, for everyone who is in the immediate area around me, you’ve got to be vigilant! A Heather without Taco Bell is a disaster waiting to happen. I can feel the grumpiness swirl around me in a cloud.

P.S. I made this meme on day 17 and decided to wait to post it because I wasn’t sure I’d make it through the weekend without getting my cheese fix. But I did it!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouVeryMuch 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can hopefully cover the world in her Bulldog face, check it out at Shank You Very Much