Poll Tuesday week 32…

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Howdy everyone! Yeah, I don’t know why I used howdy either. I feel weird now.

Maybe I need to get some cowboy boots and tuck my jeans into them or something. I blame my mother, she loves cows and decorated her house in a Southwestern desert motif. One glance into her house and you’re transported to the back of a horse, herding cattle and chewing on a stalk of wheat.

She even sent Lola a button up cowgirl shirt and cowgirl hat to wear… and not just on Halloween!

Alright, now that I’ve said all those words, go vote on my poll. I spent more time coming up with the question than I did on this random tangent about the Arizona desert and my mother’s interior decorating.

And that last sentence was a lie. See, I told you I felt weird today.

Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

 

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5 ways Twitter will make your blog (and life!) better…

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Social Media

Lately, my blog has been on a roll. I’ve seen a steady uptick in visitors streaming into my site and my follower count has been rising across my blog and social media platforms. I would love to brag that I’m just awesome and that’s why the numbers are rising, but I’ve been blogging for years and haven’t seen this much activity before.

I realized that the thing that has changed are my Twitter engagements. I don’t mean joining Twitter, I also did that years ago. I mean engaging on Twitter. Here’s 5 ways that Twitter can improve your blog, your writing, and your life! (That last one may be a bit of a stretch, but I’m optimistic.)

1. Twitter will introduce you to a whole realm of people you knew existed, but never really interacted with ever before.
When I began blogging, I found myself struggling to find where my niche was. I was a female blogger, but not a mom. I liked to talk about things I used in life, but I wasn’t a reviewer. I also used a ton of humor, but it seemed people would mistake my sarcasm for seriousness and wonder if I needed an intervention. Then I found the Brits on Twitter. Hot on the tail of my UK followers were the Irish, the Australians, and the South Africans. They began flocking to my page and devouring every new post I wrote. Meanwhile, my friends in the US were silent on my writings…

2. Twitter will gift you with hashtags, though they may not actually instruct you on their proper use.
Yes, I know I denounced hashtags a few years ago – but that was before other users taught me their true purpose. They smoosh all the tweets together into one thread for easy reading. You can find all sorts of internet people just waiting to tell you things. Sure, sometimes you are terrified after clicking on a harmless looking hashtag – but for every scary hashtag, there are 10 that you’ll like. *Little tip, if people are using all caps, just run away. Shit gets ugly, people get trolled, users are temporarily banned, and sometimes the innocent tweeters get caught in the crossfire.

3. Twitter will make you young again.
See, I knew I’d find a way that Twitter improved your life! You actually feel young when you use hashtags. If you don’t believe me, find a non-tweeter and ask them to read a hashtag out loud. They say it really slow, like someone learning a new language. They usually follow-up their odd pronunciation with some kind of statement about how Twitter is ruining society. Old people always blame new stuff for the ruination of society.

4. You will be challenged to write better just out of sheer terror that you will be surpassed by someone who knows big words.
I’ve started reading a lot more blogs since I joined Twitter. A lot. I used to read about 25 blogs whenever they would post something new. I now read about 100 of them and I get introduced to new ones each day. Twitter will never run out of things for you to read. A direct result of all this reading is that I’m becoming a better writer. I use a greater variety of words than I did at the start of my writing, and I’ve started incorporating the vernacular of other areas when my writing calls for it. Unless you like being a numpty, I recommend you start tweeting immediately.

5. Polls.
There is absolutely no better way to kill a few hours online! Twitter users have a lot of questions and they want answers. Sometimes people need answers on leaving a spouse, and obviously Twitter is free – unlike a marriage counselor who tries to use the diploma on the wall as some sort of justification that they know better than the random people of Twitter. Sometimes people just want to know if other people have seen aliens. Just a tip on the polls – read the comments, you won’t regret it. 

So there you have it, Twitter makes you younger, smarter, and prettier. I didn’t include evidence of the last one, but younger + smarter = prettier…or so the advertising agencies will have me believe.

Now head on over and tweet me!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

 

Poll Tuesday week 31…

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Another week, another weird question. I dazzled my mind with a Marvel movie marathon so I thought it was fitting to pose a question about radioactive DNA. To be honest though, you may need to give this poll some extra thought because narwhals and sea turtles each have distinct advantages in the super power department.

I’m not voting for either of those options.

Head on over now and see which creature I want to get my super powers from!

Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

 

The internet ruins everything we love…

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Awake at night

Has the internet ruined the exclamation point?!?!?!

Well, I guess if we look at the previous sentence we have our answer. Never before in the history of writing would a simple question have been paired up with three exclamation points. However, in order to convey the tone in which I asked the question, three exclamation points were necessary – because it’s not a simple question. You know this because I used three exclamation points!

You see, the number of exclamation points can morph a seemingly innocent message into something that kicks off the next World War. Every single exclamation point has a meaning and it’s up to us mere humans to decode each of them, and their importance. Luckily for you, I’ve spent the past six nights lying awake and contemplating this very serious issue.

I went to Taco Bell!

Note the use of one exclamation point. It indicates the sender is excited and wants you to know that. They probably received the correct food items they ordered, or else you would have gotten a few more points. You don’t have to respond to messages with only one exclamation point – they are really just statements we want another human to read. If someone else doesn’t see it, it didn’t happen. You answering this message would  engage the sender in a conversation they didn’t want – you’ve broken the social code we live by!

The dog pooped in the house!!

Here we have the two exclamation point statement. No longer an innocent bystander, you must engage with this person. Your response will be critiqued, the sender evaluating every nuance of your message. You see, this person took extra time out of their day to hit the exclamation point twice and you must show that you value their effort. It would be appropriate send back a humorous, empathetic, or sarcastic response with one exclamation point of your own. Only one! Using any more than one point will look as if you’re showing up the original sender, leaving them with no choice but to denounce you to your friend group.

I dropped my pizza on the ground!!!

The three exclamation point statement. This person’s sky is falling and they are in crisis. It is up to you to quickly divert their attention so that they can remain a productive member of society. You must use more than one exclamation point in your response!! Two is the bare minimum while three shows that you really love them and understand them. You must also respond within 30 seconds or your exclamation points are useless. If that happens, send an emoji – preferably the poop one.

I want a puppy for Christmas!!!!

The dreaded four exclamation points. No other punctuation usage is more fraught with peril than the four exclamation point statement. You must respond – it’s the one piece of knowledge, other than breathe constantly, that humans are born with. However, picking the correct number of exclamation points to respond with is beyond most layman wordsmith’s abilities. Your best bet in this situation is to respond immediately with OH!!! You aren’t showing off with more exclamation points, but you aren’t undervaluing their statement. You are also in no way consenting or agreeing with any statements made. This is especially crucial since four exclamation point statements usually have consequences that last for years and/or cost a lot of money.

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

Anarchy. Chaos. Worlds burning to the ground. The five exclamation point statement requires diplomacy and tact. Someone is now in the moments where we either lose the human for good or we bring them back to humanity. You must get this response correct! Answer in very short sentences, no more than three words each. Follow each of these three-word sentences with five exclamation points. The person you are responding to is barely human in their current state – you must make them focus and read your words. If you get this response correct, you’ve got a friend for life. Get the response wrong, well…prepare to see your friend splashed across the news.

There you have it, your guide to using exclamation points properly! See?! They’re not ruined at all! They are so much better than before! With subtle nuances, their social benefits have not even begun to be calculated yet!! Look at how many exclamation points I used in this paragraph!! I’m so awesome!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:


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Poll Tuesday week 30…

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This week has finally delivered us to the fall. For those unaware, I hate the fall. I love the weather, I love Halloween, and I love the fact that Hocus Pocus the movie will play on repeat for the entire month. I do not, however, like the ridiculous invasiveness of pumpkin everything.

It’s seriously pumpkin everything!

Pumpkin pie, pumpkin coffee, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin potpourri and scents burning in every home I enter. Pumpkin leggings, pumpkin t-shirts, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin seeds being toasted in every home’s oven. Pumpkin everywhere!

Ugh.

So, obviously the poll this week will feature pumpkins. Go vote!

Twitter Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

What bloggers can learn from my 4 years of blogging…

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I’ve just celebrated my four-year blogging anniversary and I’ve written this post as a (valuable) piece of advice to bloggers.

Most bloggers will agree that taking a post down is akin to admitting their child is ugly. I have no kids so I’m of the opinion that some blog posts need to be taken down. This year I’ve embarked on a major blog overhaul that has me critiquing each blog post through a new lens. I found that out of the more than 600 posts I had written, about 50 of them were a nightmare I didn’t want anyone to find.

Now, I know people will say that they’ve worked hard to write the post, people took the time to comment, readers may find it a pleasant read, etc. I understand those reasons, but there is one thing I compare all my blog posts to above all those reasons – if someone read this post, would they get a good grasp of my blog or would I have to plead with them to try another post before abandoning me?

After 4 years of blogging, there were some posts that were awful, some I couldn’t even remember writing, and some that just had no reason to be made into a post and should have remained a Facebook status. That’s just what happens when you write, you have to edit.

When I first started blogging I wrote a series of posts about celebrities who needed to be shanked. Oprah, Miley Cyrus, that kid who’s in everything but I can never remember his name, and a few others. If a reader walked onto my blog today and only read one of those posts, they wouldn’t get a good idea of what my blog is about. First, I haven’t written about celebrities since the third month of my blog. Second, most of the posts were just wild rants about why I didn’t like the person. Third, they weren’t particularly funny. I smiled, but I didn’t get the urge to chuckle.

I would be embarrassed for people to read those posts and think that’s what my entire blog was about.

I’ve now made it through about 75% of my blog posts and I’ve removed 50. I have another 25 marked as private, just in case I ever want to republish them after some heavy revision. This may seem like a large number of posts to remove, but I guarantee that almost every blog out there had a weird start where you wrote about things you would never think about now.

So give your blog an edit, great writing requires a frank look every once in a while.

Crazy Dog Lady

Now this is what my blog represents!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:


These are the weekly link ups I participate in!

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Poll Tuesday week 29…

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Well, well, well, week 29 has snuck up on me. For the mathematically challenged, that is 203 days that I’ve applied myself to doing something and actually did it.

Without missing a single poll!

I think the only other thing I’ve done this well has been taking care of Lola. How could I not?! Her squishy face and adorable personality greets me each morning.

Now, enough of the chit-chat, head on over to Twitter now because we’re discussing revenge and candy bars.

WAIT!

Can you also do me a favor and click on the new Cartoon Bulldog design link below? It will take you to my Zazzle store and I would love to know what you think about Lola in all her cartoon glory!

Twitter Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

We know who wrote this sign…

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I was recently having a conversation with a friend on how writers make money in this day and age. As I talked about the possible reasons people would hire a writer, said friend kept insisting that most businesses would never need to hire a writer. I disagreed vehemently, many businesses hire people who left their grammar skills back in school. My friend disagreed, so I showed her a photo of a business in our area that should have hired a writer to handle their promotional materials.

Hire a writer

My friend could not understand what was wrong with this picture.

That’s why you hire a writer!

The average person looks at this sign, knows it is funny sounding, but cannot decide why. There is no such thing as a re-grand. There is such a thing as a reopening. A grand reopening even! (Note that the word reopening doesn’t even contain a dash.)

So many errors on such a big sign.

I did actually contact the business to let them know their sign was completely wonky, the manager was adamant that there is such a thing as a re-grand.

Sure, and we can all live in Willy Wonka’s candy factory.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:


These are the weekly link ups I participate in!

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Free giveaway because it is my blog’s birthday…

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Happy birthday blog, you are now four years old. When you were just a little baby, I had high hopes for you. Hope that you could change the world with your humor. Hope that people would flock to you to see the latest musings of a cake and cheese addicted woman, who is currently working her way towards mid-life. Hope that maybe you could inspire one person to not be the bigger man – but to get the cake AND eat it too!

You have surpassed all my hopes, and even created some new ones. You’ve made me hope to visit the UK and check out one of those blogger awards that I didn’t even know existed before you. You’ve made me hope for a big paycheck from book royalties so I can afford to eat Taco Bell every night of the week if I wish to – and I do wish for it! You’ve made me hope that my nieces and nephews will eventually tell people that they are related to the magnificent Heather Keet, author of life observations that everyone sees on their own but still want to read about.

So, happy birthday blog! Let’s try to get some shit accomplished between all the cake eating and Taco Bell trips.

Happy Birthday

This contest has closed.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

 

Poll Tuesday week 28…

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I’ve got so many burning questions for my fellow humans, it seems I may never run out! I hope you’re ready for another week of:

What will this weirdo ask me next?!

Head on over to Twitter, there is a very serious discussion involving breakfast!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Oh yeah, Lola also asks you to send any questions you may need answering into the comment area. She took last week off, but she’s ready to help mankind once again. It’s puppy wisdom at it’s finest!

Ask Lola


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: