Good thing he’s a chef…

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Apparently I need to work on my time management. I haven’t posted a new blog in two weeks, but it’s not all my fault. My baby brother decided to pop in for a visit since we haven’t seen each other in almost seven years. Since I only had one day’s notice of his arrival, things like scheduling blogs to post in my absence just floated away as I planned the most important part of my brother’s visit:

What restaurants we needed to eat at to fulfill our lives.

Yes, I’d love to admit I’m showing him the amazing scenery that Washington state holds so dear. But I’m not. I’m showing him the inside of restaurants as we drive from one meal to another. I also showed him the inside of a mall.

Here’s the thing, my brother lives in Alaska. I drove two and a half hours to the Olympic Mountains and we only stayed for 15 minutes. Then I drove the two and a half hours back. It’s very, very hard to impress and Alaskan with scenery. Especially when you consider that as kids we RV’d our way across America. More than once.

So yeah, restaurants are what I had to impress him with. I’m not sure I succeeded but he did get to eat a Dork burger so that’s a win. Now, I’ve got to go buckle down and plot out the last few days of meals.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

I’ve added a link to one of my favorite bloggers, she lets me bombard her with my tweets and links and never once bit me. Between her threatening to bite people and me threatening to shank people, I’m pretty impressed the blogging world allows us. But we’re funny so apparently people are willing to take the risk! Click the teeth if you want to read.

Domesticated Momster

10 things that fat girls know…

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A true fat kid has experienced all 10 of these things. A chubby kid scores a 5 out of 10. A skinny kid will deny even knowing what cake is.

  1. Eating cake over a sink means there are no calories…and it is much more delicious.
  2. Taco Bell tastes so much better at 1 a.m.
  3. Ordering two meals so you can have a “buffet” is a real thing.
  4. Leftovers rarely make it to the next day; that 1 a.m. mealtime is calling our names. (See #2.)
  5. Pants shrink in the closet.
  6. Pants shrink in the dryer.
  7. Pants shrink just by being pants.
  8. There is never enough cheese on a pizza. More cheese please, sir!
  9. Walking around the house for 10 minutes is exercise for that cookie on the counter that will be eaten.
  10. Even within the same brand of clothing, you will have a variety of different sized pants. We don’t know why. We blame it on cake delirium suffered by the clothing manufacturers.

    Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

    I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

    You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

     

I am not explaining another accident to my doctor…

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I think I may have broken my index finger. I was trying to adjust my kitchen aid bowl the other day and I foolishly opted to ignore the instruction to “unplug the unit.” And you can guess what happened next.

As my hand slid on the machine, it knocked the lever and turned the mixer onto its fastest speed. My finger got caught between the bowl and the flat beater.

That 1.3 horsepower sounds little but your bone is no match for it.

Now, I’d like to give a few pointers in case this ever happens to you. First, unplug the unit. Nobody needs a hero, just do what they say. Second, please don’t try to pull your hand free. All you really end up doing is lifting up the entire mixer by the one finger trapped in the jaws of the machine.

And that mixer is very heavy!

It’s been over a week and it hurts worse than it did before. A bruise would be decreasing in pain, wouldn’t it?!

I’m going to go make a splint out of popsicle sticks and tape. Thank god I keep a well-stocked first aid kit.

Update: The popsicle stick was working well but I finally went to the doctor when the finger swelled up. It is fractured so I get to pretend I’m Colossus from Deadpool while it heals.

Colossus Hand

I wonder if I automatically get super strength powers?!


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

Cake eating is complicated…

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The other day I was talking to my friend on the phone when I used the phrase, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

She instantly wanted to know how anyone got to eat cake if you couldn’t have it and eat it. Apparently this expression has escaped her notice until now, or else no one has been able to answer it for her.

She knew exactly who could answer random questions about cake.

I told her you can eat cake you don’t have. Basically, you have to steal cake if you want to eat it. That way it’s not yours to have and you can eat it.

She immediately replied that she had to go, her husband was holding a cupcake.

My last bit of wisdom to her was to be stealthy. If you steal the cupcake and then he steals it back, he gets to eat it.

Twinkies

People say these are fake cake, so you can have them AND eat them without all the theft involved with real cake.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

Lola had the fur scared off her….

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This morning Lola and I made the command decision to clean the house. We couldn’t find a maid that we liked and could afford so we’re doing all the heavy lifting ourselves.

Stupid dreams of a maid, it really made us complacent this week.

So there I am, moving all of our furniture, when I get the bright idea to steam clean. You know, freshen up the entire house. I wish my OCD would allow me to do one task a day. The “have to do it all at once or nothing at all” mentality can wreck your weekend.

So there I was, knee-deep in wet carpets with furniture strewn about, when Lola came bounding towards me like the demons of hell were behind her.

Or Jaws, it was kind of hard to tell.

I march down the hall, prepared to find something tipped over or maybe even a puddle on the floor in protest of the very loud steam cleaner.

Nothing.

I continue cleaning and two minutes later Lola comes flying from the back of the house again.

Check again, nothing.

Exhausted Lola

Then Lola lies down and shakes.

As I’m checking her out I spot what demon has been tormenting her.

I yell out, “that’s a big motherfucking spider” as I sprint away from it.

The Hubster is on duty, not returning until tomorrow. It’s up to me to kill this thing.

I collect my spider killing gear. Gloves, check. Paper towel, check. Toilet seat open, check. Vacuum nearby just in case that spider gets rowdy, check.

I return to the hallway….and it’s empty.

Shank my life! You know that thing is off making spider babies to hatch in my house. Now I HAVE to move everything.

I will find him!

Expect updates to follow if I can’t…..and prepare Lola and I a bedroom in case we wind up at your house.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

Foam….just foam….sigh

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Note: I wrote about this problem two and a half years ago. The foam is already soft again. Where’s my fucking rock?!!!!

So I have this fabulous couch that is amazing except for the fact that I am already griping that I need foam cushion replacements to sit on and it is less than three years old. The Hubster assures me that I have a super low tolerance for any softening of any item in the entire world.

Case in point:

We bought the world’s firmest mattress and within half the life of it I was whining that it was too squishy and was hurting me as I slowly drowned into it like a Freddy Kruger movie come to life. And the poor Hubster said he was just breaking it in and getting comfortable.

We then bought our new mattress which you have to rotate in a circle every six months to ensure that one person doesn’t wear out one side while the other person is living it up on the other side. I make the Hubster rotate it every other month because I feel like I am dying a slow, miserable death where Unicorns and glitter come to life and shank you.

Which is an unpleasant way to die, in my opinion.

Hubster also pointed out that I refuse to sit on our couch in the man room due to the tilting of the world on its axis when you try to sit upright. Jason says he can sit up just fine, meanwhile I’m in a prone position wondering why foam hates me so much.

What makes this whole situation sad is that I even project my dislike of foam onto Lola. While ordering custom foam for my couch I decided to order a replacement foam cushion for Lola’s chair. Why? Because it looked squishy and she hasn’t been sitting on it enough recently so she must hate the squishy.

Conclusion, I need to sit on a rock. It’s the only solution. And maybe Lola needs to join me.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

I’m questioning every life decision…

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It’s time for some deep thinking. Just kidding! I bet you thought you stumbled onto the wrong blog, didn’t you?!

Well, relax, we’re here to think deeply about food. Because fat kids live to think about food (and eat it).

A Heatherism


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

I can read lips…and words…and lips…

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Last night I decided to indulge in a marathon of the Fast and Furious franchise. I was bored and had a ton of time on my hands. Thanks to the world’s insatiable desire to watch cars recklessly fly around roads, there were plenty of movies in the franchise to fill up my time.

Because I have lost a significant portion of my hearing in both ears, I tend to watch movies with subtitles. TV shows are a godsend because the characters usually face the cameras so I can read lips to fill in anything my ears have missed. But not in movies. And especially not in movies where the roar of an engine is overlapping everything.

So I enjoyed the first movie and marveled at how young all the actors were back in the day. I hit play on the second movie and that’s when things got interesting. I got up to get a snack and figured I would hear the talking because I knew there were no loud noises coming up. After about 2 minutes of prepping my snack buffet, my brain gave up the struggle and hit the doorbell, asking if I was home.

I couldn’t understand three-quarters of what was being said.

I worried myself as I raced back to the TV (which is only 3 feet from the kitchen). I read the subtitles and kept trying to figure out why I couldn’t understand what I was hearing. I thought for sure I had hit that moment where I lost the last 30% or so of the hearing I’ve managed to hold onto. I knew those doctors were wrong! They’re always wrong! They said my hearing wouldn’t continue to decline but they’re wrong! WRONG, I TELL YOU!! I was becoming a bit hysterical as I read subtitles and ordered my brain to filter out the car noises and just focus on the talking.

And then the lightbulb moment occurred.

Somehow, my Apple tv had defaulted to Spanish. That’s right, I watched the entire first movie in Spanish and didn’t even notice.

Wow. Just wow. I’m not even sure what to do for the rest of the night now. Maybe I’ll go put on a cape and run around seeing if anyone needs me to read lips for them.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

Lola is still hiding under the coffee table…

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I would like to tell you a story about a party I was invited to. This wasn’t your typical party; it was a Facebook party…for leggings. You may have heard about this company, LuLaRoe, they are the new leader in leggings. Apparently, you won’t walk around wondering if you split your pants and didn’t know it because they are nice and thick. But you know there is a catch, there is always a catch.

LuLaRoe is sold through consultants. Not so bad, right? I mean, Tupperware and Pampered Chef have consultants and they manage just fine. Then it gets worse. These consultants don’t have a website full of merchandise to back them up if everyone wants the same item. You see, LuLaRoe only makes 3,000 of each pattern and it is spread amongst various sizes. And then shipped to various consultants.

Obviously, you can see where I’m going with this.

You end up with every consultant having a different selection in styles, sizes, and patterns. Then these consultants ask friends to host a party. Those friends invite people, most likely their own friends, to a party online. And then those friends devolve into wild animals…with rabies…as they attempt to write the word sold underneath the picture before anyone else.

By the end of the party, you have no friends left.

I myself, spent the week prior to the party threatening people with shanks, blindness, and eventual retaliation if they tried to get the colors and sizes I wanted. During the party I was equipped with a cellphone app and a computer, ready to refresh until my thumbs fell off. The photos were posted…

I screamed out SOLD in all caps as fast as I could while scrolling for more colors and refreshing my browser every three seconds. Those pictures came up fast! There was a moment when one of my closest friends, dare I say best friend, wanted the same color as I did. In the same size. It was mayhem. The bloodlust was all around me and I was snarling like a hyena, but I managed to find my humanity, just a scrap of it, and I offered her a pair. Anyone else would have lost a hand.

I was also texting and messaging people during the party. You know, things they needed to know. Like:

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I WIN BITCHES!!!!!

And the even more classy:

Screw these kid leggings. No one wants kids. Where are the adult leggings?? COME ON!!!

Then I did the unthinkable. I texted a fellow party goer with this little gem:

I would have choked you out for those colors. I refreshed like the Big Bang cast during the comic con episode.

So, I’d like to take this moment to warn you against LuLaRoe. One, you will keep your friends and two, because that means more legging options for me and mine. I’m not really sure if I still have friends left, but I guess it doesn’t matter because I got the colors I wanted.

I’d also like to take a moment to thank my thumbs. You guys worked really hard tonight. I’m rewarding you with easy to eat finger foods for dinner. No hard metal forks requiring you to hold them.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

 

 

Nothing hard about slowing down time…

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Last week, Lola dazzled her Instagram devotees with her Days of the Week meme series. She was also awesome enough to share it for her Twitter fans and Facebook groupies. And now it’s here, for those of you who prefer to kick it old school and read my actual blog site.

Lola Day of the Week Series- Monday

Lola Day of the Week Series- Tuesday

Lola Day of the Week Series- Wednesday

Lola Day of the Week Series- Thursday

Lola Day of the Week Series- Friday

Lola Day of the Week Series- Saturday

Lola Day of the Week Series- Sunday

Lola said the week just flies by and she doesn’t like it. So I guess my new job as Mommybeast is to slow down time…right, nothing hard about that.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

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