Laying waste to the world…

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Posted by in Are You Shanking Me?!

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Today I broke our W Internet modem. On purpose.

Maybe we should start at the beginning. For those of you who are new to my blog, W Internet and I have been in an epic struggle for world domination for almost two years. Okay, maybe not world domination, but definitely a struggle for the speed and reliability of service I have paid for. Read my previous W Internet blog here.

I’ve known for about a week that my modem was about to die. It has a crappy signal, resets a thousand times a day, runs at very slow speeds – all signs pointed towards failure. Today it shut down to reset and wouldn’t come back online. I started doing what rational techies teach you to do in these situations. I unplugged the power cord, removed the battery back up, and unplugged the coax cable. I waited 5 minutes, then plugged it all back in and…..nothing. I calmly repeated the process and…nothing. I then called W Internet and have the company send me a signal refresh…nothing.

At this point I am getting impatient. I call W Internet back and I am put on hold. A little bit more impatient. A customer service lady comes online and without letting me finish my sentence – that I had already run all the tech support a customer can run – she cuts me off with a transfer to the techs.

Worst Person Award

KABOOM! My brain hits its limit of patience.

I picked up the modem and proceeded to calmly drop it on the ground and watch it break into two pieces. I’m feeling less angry now. The tech asks me what is going on and I proceed to tell him that my modem wasn’t working, it’s now completely broken, and I need a service call. He tells me the spiel about how he has to run through some tests with me and then he will get someone out. I repeat to him that the modem is completely broken and the conversation goes like this:

Him: How do you know it’s completely broken, ma’am? (With that really condescending voice that makes your blood boil and your head explode. Fucker.)

Me: It’s in two pieces.

Him: Why is it in two pieces?

Me: It seemed like a better idea than laying waste to the entire world.

Him: Oh boy, let me take a look at your notes and see what I can do. You’re probably going to have to pay for that modem.

Me: I’m not paying for anything, it was already a dud. I just saved you the disposal fee.

Him: Well, ma’am, you will have to pay since you intentionally broke it.

Me: Fine, I can send you a bill for all the minutes my service has been down and that should cover the cost. I mean, you can see on your screen how much time it hasn’t been functioning over the past two years, right? This is my third modem for crying out loud! And my psychiatric bill is going to cost you guys a fortune. This is psychological warfare you’re engaged in and I bet a jury of my peers in this state would rule on my side. I pay my bill, where the hell is the service???

Him: Well, I see a note here that all calls need to go to a manager so I’m going to transfer you to our senior tech advisor.

Me: I think that’d be wise. You don’t get paid enough money to deal with me and I would hate to have to eat your young.

Him: Yes, ma’am. (Said with all the relief a NORAD worker would use when turning over shift during a North Korean missile launch headed towards Alaska.)

The senior tech advisor comes on after about two minutes and begins his job of calming the angry customer and even maybe getting them to laugh. It worked. He tells me immediately that he is sending out a guy with a new modem, he will be to my home within half an hour. He said I would NOT be charged for the modem and he appreciates me not eating his young and laying waste to the entire world.

Then he makes a couple of jokes about how modems work so hard in my house they commit suicide by counter jump. Followed up by a little skit about what do you do when the modem isn’t working…take it to modem’s anonymous. I swear that guy is going to put jokes in my file just so I don’t kill when I need the next service call. He was fantastic and he gave me a credit for service!

All because I broke their modem on purpose.

That guy deserves a fucking medal!

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

When children try to hurt each other…

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Posted by in The Land of the Giant

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Days like today leave me considering other career options.

1) I’m going to go on strike until I get $20 per hour

or

2) I’m going to become a Vodka connoisseur and teach people how to pair it with Twinkies for the perfect mood lifter.

Either way, I’m done for the day. And it’s only nap time…

Food- TwinkiesI will buy you and eat you, you delicious bastards.

Today actually started out pretty pleasant and it gave me hope for the Future of America. I had dreams that I would have my senior citizen diapers changed, Spam until I turned 100, and even hang onto my civil rights.

By nap time I was pretty sure I was going to die alone in a dumpster with no Twinkies, a victim of the children I could not teach.

The Big and Medium Little were dancing and playing and life was great. As I am videotaping them for their parent’s enjoyment, Little #1 approaches Little #2 and just cracks her over the head with a toy. It just blew my mind! Usually I can tell violence is about to erupt- I can spot a sniper Little at a thousand yards.

This one got right past me.

Before I can even intervene we had a full-out brawl. Little #2 came right back at #1 and used a Weeble Wobble as a weapon. Pretty fucking effectively, I might add. The Littles are now engaged in deadly combat and there are serious amounts of baby chub being punished. I finally get them apart, take a damn Weeble to my mouth (FUCK, that hurts!) and place them in cribs while I clean up my bleeding mouth.

As I walk back from the bathroom, the irony of the crib placement is not lost on me. In the square room that is our daycare, the two cribs are caddy corner to one another- much like a boxing ring. I wonder if subconsciously the Littles are picking up on that vibe???

After a 5 minute cool off period where everyone reads a book, the Littles settle into cohabitation once again. And they were awesome. They must have known one more face hit and I was going to turn into the Mean Giant and they would NEVER, EVER have another fresh-baked cookie EVER again!

And now it is nap time and the tiniest Little wants to make sure no one ever sleeps again….

Witty- shartI will repeat this mantra until the kids fall asleep.

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Generosity comes at a steep price…

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Mocha Frappe. A delicious invention involving coffee, ice cream, and a chocolate drizzle that makes you feel elegant even as you drink it in your pajamas.

I was gifted with a Mocha Frappe by one of the Little’s parents as she was picking up her daughter from daycare. As I lifted the wonderful, refreshing, to-die-for drink to my face, I looked up and saw the saddest eyes in the world.

The Little was looking at me with those eyes that get bigger and bigger with each passing second. Her arms reached out and I swear to God, a tear rolled down her cheek.

I, feeling generosity would still count even though I knew the Little would not actually be able to get any, passed the drink over and told her “if you can suck it up, you can have it.” This is the moment in life where generosity bit me so hard in the ass that I still carry a bruise.

She slurped up the largest “sip” a Little could ever manage.

I yanked that drink away as I realized that my dreams of caffeine and chocolate were dying, causing the Little to let out the highest pitched scream I had ever heard. I think dogs went deaf in my neighborhood that day.

Witty- kill oxygen

As she lost her mind, I sucked up frappe like a maniac and dodged tiny hands – my only hope was to drink enough before my eardrums ruptured, then I wouldn’t begrudge letting her finish it off.

Eventually I caved to the tiny dictator, well before my eardrums ruptured and with so much coffee and ice cream left in the cup that I was left bereft – with a very slight caffeine high instead of my usual jittery feeling of success.

Many tears and sips later and my Mocha Frappe is gone. But it was glorious while it lasted!

*The Little who consumed the frappe was owned by the mommy who brought it to me. Before you start screaming about how the caffeine/coffee causes stunted growth please shut up. Her mommy and daddy are in the medical field. 

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

The day skinny jeans fought back….

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Posted by in The Land of the Giant

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and won.

So my medium-sized Little (who is about to turn 1) came into daycare this morning wearing the cutest little pink jeans you could ever imagine. I was totally in love with everything about them. Until I had to change her diaper.

Witty- WTF?! were you thinking

I get the Little lying down and I go to tug the jeans from her butt. Little goes flying, jeans are still in place. Well, shit. Figuratively and literally.

So I wrangle the Little back on to the diaper mat and prepare for an amphibious assault. I begin tugging the jeans down with one hand while tugging the Little up with the other. It was quite a feat but we managed to slip the jeans down to her thighs. And it did not get any better from there.

I now have to slide my chubby fingers into the pant leg between her chubby Little ankles and this impressively tight jean material that has absolutely no stretch in them like the adult version does! Needless to say, as I tried to tug on the jeans the Little spent some time hanging upside down.

I finally get the jeans off and I have to take a moment to recuperate from the ordeal. The Little is winded and decides to kick her legs as fast as she can to get her blood flowing in her legs again. And then it hits me in the face; how the fuck am I going to get these jeans back on the Little?!?! I decide to let that worry hang as I change her diaper.

The Little has blood flow back into her legs and just when she thinks she is free, I pick up the jeans and smirk at her. This is going to be like wrestling a baby hippopotamus. I manage to get one foot in and immediately the material is stuck on her calf. Not to worry, we’ll just move along to foot number two. And there you go, we’re stuck on the calf again.

I am fighting the material to shimmy up her legs and the Little is making the worst faces in the world. One said “Ow, that’s my ankle chub, be careful.” This was swiftly followed by “Mother of God, my fat has feelings, Ms. Heather.”

At this point I am visibly sweating and the Little is bucking like a maniac trying to free herself of the shackles that her jeans have become. I decide to stand the Little up and just tug until we die. So here we are face to face and as I slowly and painfully tug the material up, inch by fucking inch, the Little’s face is just going to town. Some of the best ones conveyed:

“Knees, just tug to the left, dammit!”

“Ow, ow, just….there, we’re past the knee.”

“Oh fuck, I’ve got two knees.”

“Holy mother of god, my thigh fat is bulging.”

“Push that bulge in, we should have this.”

“Well shit, where did that bulge come from?!?!”

“Tug…..tug…..TUG!”

“I knew I should have done some damn crunches last night.”

My ass cheek hurts so bad…no more Twinkies, EVER.”

“THEY ARE UP MOTHER FUCKER!!!!”

“[BEEP], [BEEP], [BEEP], THE [BEEPING] BUTTON!!!!!”

(Jeez, this kid’s got a foul fucking mouth…)

So I try to button the jeans and I get smacked flat in the face. The Little’s facial expressions once again convey it all. “What the FUCK, Ms. Heather?!! You are pinching the shit out of my belly!” Well then, guess I earned that smack.

My apologies Little.

I lie the Little down and tell her to suck it in as I button and zipper her. As she sits up to scamper away, her belly bulges over the jeans and I realize it’s one diaper change down- 4 more to go.

Fuck it all.

*This was written with permission from the Little’s mommy and in no way did cursing happen by, at, or within hearing of any Littles. I did all that in the bathroom.

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Poll Tuesday week 15…

20 Tuesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Twitter Poll Tuesday Series

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This week’s poll is venturing into personal territory. I need to know how you clean yourself each day. Showers, baths, outdoor hose, ocean water, unicorn tears – I must know. Summer is rolling through and some of my friends are doing the Hawai’i thing with their kids, which apparently many people around the world find odd. Basically, you leave the kids in water all day and then at the end you just rinse them with a hose and put them to bed. Three months of no soap and very limited shampoo use – it takes me right back to my childhood.

I remember swimming in our pool for days, until the chlorine turned my hair green. It would be at this point that the bottle of shampoo would be tossed my way and I’d use it after leaving the pool. Than my parents would rinse my hair with the hose and the grass would die just a bit in that spot.

So vote now and hopefully my brain will stop asking this question and allow me to think about something else. FYI, I bathe in unicorn tears because water is cold in WA state.

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

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Poll Tuesday week 14…

13 Tuesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Twitter Poll Tuesday Series

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I always wonder what I would do if I had a time machine. Maybe I could go back in time and do things a bit better. Like instead of only getting one Lola, I would have bought all her siblings and then had a pack of Bulldogs running around the house all day. I could have hooked them all up to a sleigh in December to take photos while wearing a dorky sweater.

Or maybe I would go back to my wedding day and actually pay attention. FYI, I don’t remember much of the day. And when I say not much, I mean it. I don’t remember a single vow I exchanged with Hubster. I’m not even sure it happened. I mean, there’s a marriage license that says we did it, and some pictures, but I can’t remember anything. I do remember one clear detail – when I threw my bouquet, it got stuck in the light fixture and we had to stop the dancing to allow someone with a ladder to fetch it back out.

So, head on over to Twitter and vote on what you would do if you had a time machine!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Someone hand me a sharp stick…

12 Monday Jun 2017

Posted by in Heatherisms

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It’s time for another Heatherism. This little gem of advice came about during a mental sparring match on Facebook. A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless*, was posting about the lovely weather we’ve been having here in the Pacific Northwest recently. I say lovely, but that’s a relative term. The weather was lovely to her while I wanted the cold, wet, gloomy days of winter to remain for at least another month, or 12.

Without further adieu, I give you Heatherism #35!

Heatherism #35

*Her name is April. Hey, I said she would remain nameless – I never said for how long!

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

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Get the experience you paid for…

07 Wednesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Are You Shanking Me?!

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I’ve been cleaning up my blog to provide a better reader experience…

typing that first sentence made me feel like a hipster doofus.

It’s possible I’ve lived in the Pacific Northwest for too long because I now think everything is an “experience” and not just something to kill time with because you’re bored and the cable went out, leaving you with this blog as your last desperate attempt at entertainment.

You know what? Challenge accepted! Welcome to the Thunder Dome, I’ll provide you with some laughter and hopefully the cable will come back on momentarily.

Seriously, momentarily. I’ve only got this little meme and you’ll be done reading it in 10 seconds.

PicMonkey Collage-11

Well, that was it. If your cable hasn’t been fixed yet, you can always stare at a wall.

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

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Poll Tuesday week 13…

06 Tuesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Twitter Poll Tuesday Series

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What do you think happens when you get adults to choose between completely ridiculous options each week? I’ve been doing it for a few months now so I can give you the answer. You get ridiculously entertaining comments to read!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Today’s poll features beloved TV shows from the 90s. I anticipate people will be quite emphatic about why people need to vote for their show. I know I’m rooting so hard for Seinfeld that I may not be able to cope if it loses.

Don’t let me down people!

Head on over to Twitter and vote so I don’t cry myself to sleep tonight.

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Fine, I’ll admit it – I was wrong…

05 Monday Jun 2017

Posted by in Are You Shanking Me?!

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Hashtags make me want to shank someone. Or should I say #hashtagsmakemewanttoviolentlyshanksomeone?!

If you are a hashtag aficionado, this post may not be the one for you. Or better yet, read it and maybe you’ll see how us non-hashtaggers view you. I cannot believe I just typed the word non-hashtagger. Even more shocking was the fact that my spell check thinks this is correct. I have to go cry over the death of literacy and writing in America.

So hashtags came about from some weird concept that I would want to see every single thing ever posted on the internet just by clicking through a word/phrase of my choosing. Yikes, talk about internet tracking, we’re doing all the work for the government.

I know, I know, I know. It wasn’t intended for tracking by the government per se and you put stuff up on the internet only if you want everyone to see it.

But do we have to annoy the crap out of everyone with the hash tagging?!? I mean seriously, just write a sentence. Get your damn thumbs involved, hit that space bar!!! Using a tablet or smart phone??? Even less of an excuse for not making your finger journey to the forgotten button at the bottom of the keyboard!!!

Do I really need at my fingertips the ability to know everything there is to know about Kim Kardashian’s #bigass or the more politically correct #curvysilhouette? Or what Beyonce’s kid is sporting with her #bluivyshoes? Can I not just read one stupid tabloid article about it and then be done?!?!

NNNNOOOOOO, I must know it ALL.

And what makes it worse? Most of the time the hashtags make ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE! I mean, what does #off lead you to…surely the mosquito repellent? You’d be wrong on that! Or what about #pjb2013? Who the hell knows?!! There is absolutely no way to know until you have already clicked it. That’s like typing the word world into Wikipedia and thinking you’ll do some quick reading. Good luck, you’re not getting off that computer for hours!

I think we need to get some Harvard study going about the cost of hashtagging to society. The first aspect of the study could determine how much time each person spends a week trying to read the stupid mash-up of letters, number and symbols.

I’m willing to bet we are open mouth breathing idiots for at least an hour each day. Hashtag that, bitches!

I would LOVE to have more people read my blog, this would be a great thing for the world. Laugh, look over your shoulder more often, enjoy the antics of Lola and try to incorporate the word shank into your daily life. It’s a beautiful idea. But I refuse to spend another moment of my life transcribing these stupid hashtags and I WON’T add them to my blog for more views!

And if you happen to be one of those hash-tagging aficionados we talked about earlier and you feel like spreading my blog, I won’t stop you. May I recommend the tag #Lolawantstoshankhashtagusersforherdearmommy?

I first published this post 4 years ago. I was wrong. I love twitter and it’s my social media of choice at this point. I spend more time creating fun hashtags than I ever thought I would. My only regret is the time I lost while I was digging in my heels and trying to stop technology. But now, I embrace the robot revolution and look forward to my chip upgrade.

Robot

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

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Poll Tuesday week 12…

30 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by in Twitter Poll Tuesday Series

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Wow! I have stuck with a blog series for 12 weeks! Someone get me a trophy!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

This week’s poll is exciting. Okay, in all fairness it’s probably not that exciting, but I am hoping to get some insight into how the minds of my people work. You can tell a lot from social media.

So, head on over to Twitter, vote in the poll, and maybe leave a comment so I have someone to talk to this week!

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

When confidence turns into conceitedness…

29 Monday May 2017

Posted by in My Poor Friends and Family

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Post never ends

Well, I lost hours of my life – and a few million brain cells – singing this song to myself. It is a children’s song that was created by a diabolical monster who wanted to punish every single parent on the face of the planet. For some reason, it popped into my head and hasn’t stopped since. Apparently since I don’t have my own children, the child living in my brain has decided to torture the adult in my brain until one of them dies.

I am very worried.

Coincidentally, I am adding a new page to my blog where I give thanks to all the people who said I was awesome and then promoted me on their own websites. It will be the post that never ends since I plan on becoming more and more famous and having more and more and more people write that I’m awesome until the entire internet is filled with every page talking about the awesome sauce that my blog is made up of.

The base of that awesome sauce is probably Taco Bell cheese!

Go check out my new page! If you’re on my mobile site you need to click the menu button in the top left corner. If you’re on the desktop site it will be located just above the giant picture of me and Lola at the top of each page. Don’t get distracted by our good looks, check out the page! People are raving about me and I need you to see it.

Village Raise Blogger

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

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This is a desperate plea for your help…

25 Thursday May 2017

Posted by in My Poor Friends and Family

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I really hate asking people to do things for me, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Please, please, PLEASE, nominate me for this award! I really, really, REALLY want to win it. I’ve never won a single blogging award and these are a big deal.

Please.

Now, I went ahead a put this button below, just click the photo and you’ll be able to fill in the info. I want to win Reader’s Choice, because everything else is really not suitable for my blog. I am not new, sadly I’ve been blogging for almost 4 years and was hardly noticed by the blogging community before this year. I am not a mom, because those kids never go home and I need a lot of sleep! I am not a food blog (unless a Taco Bell diet now counts) and I’m certainly not a lifestyle blog – because it would be dangerous to have lots of me running around shanking people and slaying tender feelings with sarcasm.

Reader’s Choice it is then!

So please consider taking a few minutes to nominate me, even non-bloggers can do it and I really, really, really, REALLY want to win.

BritMums

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Poll Tuesday week 11…

23 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by in Twitter Poll Tuesday Series

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Another week, another poll on Twitter. Still recovering from the nightmare inducing tie, I’ve decided to ask a very simple question. What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Head on over to Twitter to vote and if you choose option D you are officially dead to me. You must stop reading my blog for the rest of your life.

Just kidding, but you are messed up and may need a tongue transplant.

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: