What’s on my mind…

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

I think it will come as no surprise to my regular readers that I am a ridiculous person who has thoughts that most people would hesitate to utter aloud. What you may not know, is that I unleash the full force of my thoughts on social media. There is no editing, no proofreading, no ‘sit on it and wait a few days’ like I do with my blog posts. Social media is raw, unfiltered brain sewage spilling out – reducing my followers to tears, and sometimes a piddle if they’ve had too much water to drink.

Since some of you are resistant to following me on every social media platform known to man, I’ve decided to share some of the juiciest bits here on my blog each week. Being the first week, I’ll start off with my most innocent thoughts.

Cheese

Lola Feral Hippo


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Advertisements

Fluffy french toast, a recipe for champion parents…

Tags

, , , , , ,

At 34 years old, I pretty much thought it was a given that french toast was taught to all children as a staple recipe they took into adulthood. I was wrong. After talking with a friend, I was shocked to find out the only french toast she had ever eaten came from a box in the freezer section of the grocery store. After recovering from this horror, I promptly gave her this recipe.

This week, I received confirmation that her children now thinks she walks on water.

Fluffy French Toast

Ingredients
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup milk
1 pinch salt
3 eggs
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 TBSP white sugar
12 slices of toast

Utensils Needed
Mixing bowl
Whisk
Frying pan or griddle

Combine flour, salt, ground cinnamon, and sugar in mixing bowl.
Add eggs and vanilla extract.
Whisk milk in slowly and stir until batter is smooth.
Preheat frying pan on medium.
Dip bread into batter until well coated on both sides, then place in pan.
Cook both sides of toast until golden brown.

Superhero Tip: Serve with syrup. Syrup is life. My favorite is cane sugar syrup, I grew up in Hawai’i surrounded by sugar cane fields and it tastes like clouds of happiness. Maple syrup will suffice – but it doesn’t taste like clouds of happiness.

Second Superhero Tip: Shake some powdered (confectioner) sugar on top for a special treat. Note, you should only do this on days when the kids are leaving the house or you’ll be stuck with the sugar overload coursing through their veins.

Witty- Recipe


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Dear Lola – The Clothing Police…

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Lola,

My child seems to be incapable of picking up her own laundry. I’m worried she will never learn how to pick up clothing from the floor and place it in our laundry hamper. Despite my placing 16 hampers between her door and bed, she cannot seem to get the clothes inside. Will she ever learn, or will I be stuck picking up the clothes when she is 25? I should note that my husband still leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor.

Sincerely,
The Clothing Police

Dear Clothing Police,

Thank you for your letter and I’m sorry to hear your Miniature Human cannot seem to pick up her clothing. Since it is a rather simple task, I must question why she cannot put dirty clothes into a hamper. I’ve discounted genetics playing a part in this, mostly because I haven’t had any formal schooling and reading about DNA gave me a headache. Your husband’s towel issues remain his own.

You didn’t mention to me your Miniature Human’s age. The lack of mental faculties associated with the drooling Miniature Humans under two years of age, could be one reason. However, I’m going to discount that reason since I’m sure you would have recognized that before writing me a letter.

Let’s move on to the physical reason she cannot put clothing away. Perhaps her thumbs are tired from all the cereal eating she does when you’re not looking. I would suggest hiding the cereal boxes and see if her picking up skills get better. Sometimes thumbs get tired, though I have none of my own so I can’t be 100% sure.

Another reason for leaving messy clothing on the floor could be psychological. She may very well view the hamper as a clothing monster, desperate to shred her favorite pair of pajamas. Since I find it difficult to find the perfect textile to drape across myself at night, I know exactly how your Miniature Human feels. There is only one solution to this problem – have her put the clothing directly into the washing machine. Everyone knows the washing machine is monster free, it would drown when the tub fills up!

I do have a final piece of advice in case none of the reasons I’ve listed are true. Kick her out of your house when she’s 24 and you won’t have to pick up a 25-year-old’s laundry.

♥ Lola ♥

Ask Lola


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Poll Tuesday week 23…

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

I have to be honest, last week’s poll result was a bit of a disappointment. Granted, I received death threats the week prior, but I also received 430 votes on that poll. Last week only 41 votes were cast. I do not blame you, my dear readers. I blame myself. I was playing with family who flew in for a visit and I forgot to pay attention to you all. Allow me to make it up to you this week. Not only am I running the poll, but Lola is heavily interested in the outcome as well. If you’re not going to vote to make me happy, do it to make Lola happy. I mean, look at this face.

Lola

Now, put down the Lola and go cast your vote on Twitter. My handle is on the bottom of every blog post. Just click it. Yep, right there. Click it.

Twitter Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

When peace talks become crucial…

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

I’m not sure if you noticed, but I almost fell off the face of the Earth last week. I was visiting with my sister-in-law and nephew, Derek, who is an entire year older than the nieces who visited in June. A year makes a huge difference – to me and to Lola.

While I enjoyed the pleasures of the English language spoken by my nephew, Lola took his larger body mass as a challenge to her food stealing prowess. We can never forget that the nieces were casualties in the food war Lola has waged against the tiny humans. Never forget the banana.

My nephew was a much stronger opponent than Lola’s previous foes. Despite having almost no dog skills, Derek was able to thwart every effort made by Lola to obtain human food. There was string cheese that he held precariously high when not shoveling it into his mouth. Cheerios were picked up by tiny hands as quickly as they hit the ground. Even the pop tart, who’s very molecular make up invites it to break into pieces as you lift it, did not end up in the mouth of Lola.

I’ve decided to commemorate the peace treaty negotiations in cartoon format. As usual, Lola gets the first word in.
Derek & Lola 1
Derek & Lola 2Derek & Lola 3
Derek & Lola 4


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Poll Tuesday week 22…

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

This week I’m on a vacation with my 6-year-old nephew and his mommy. I was going to skip the poll but I thought you would all want a follow-up since last week’s poll brought out the trolls. The poll devolved into the worst sort of online mayhem and resulted in my receiving death threats. All because I asked about robots.

However, I had the last laugh. The troll lost his Twitter account and my poll received 430 votes on it! So, let’s try to hit that number again without the death threats, shall we?!

Head on over to Twitter and vote on this week’s shenanigans!

Twitter Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Poll Tuesday week 21…

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

Every week I look forward to releasing my Twitter poll. I always think of questions that I think my readers will have fun with, nothing is intended to be serious. It’s just a group of people contemplating the oddest of circumstances, and deciding which ridiculous decision they will choose. However, there are people in this world who believe all fun should die a slow death. To these trolls I say, go fuck yourself.

Last night I posted my weekly poll and it quickly grew a life of its own. Within 2 hours, it had been voted on and retweeted more than any of my previous polls. Everyone was having fun with the choices and enjoying the brief respite from what can be an annoyingly difficult world. No one was worrying about North Korea, no one was debating who voted for who in the US elections, it was all fun.

Then the troll had to voice his opinion.

Within minutes I was involved in a battle of wits. Sadly, the troll didn’t have any of those and my retorts just upset him further and further. Other people joined the fray, a bit to defend me at first, then to just sit back and watch the troll be served a cold dish of ‘I owned your ass’ when I let loose. The troll couldn’t even come up with any response after a few minutes, apparently his vocabulary wasn’t up to scratch.

I think he may still be googling some of the big words.

I may have also used some of his previous tweets as evidence to his daring hypocrisy in lecturing me on my finding amusement in a post apocalyptic scenario.

So to all the internet trolls I’d like to repeat how I feel about your useless, joy-sucking, dreadful lives – go fuck yourself.

Everyone else should head on over to my Twitter profile to vote because you can appreciate that life doesn’t always have to be so serious!

Twitter Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Ask Lola…

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

Over three years ago, I started this blog. A few months after that, Lola began demanding space for her own Bulldog thoughts to be added for the reader’s delight. I started the series called Ask Lola.

Ask Lola

I’m ashamed to say that I failed to keep up with this series. Lola has reminded me of my failings weekly, until I finally decided I had to bring it back. So, send me your questions. Life questions, relationship questions, questions about cheese, and even questions about squirrels – Lola has information and she’d love to share it! You can email them to me, send them on the blog through the comments, find me on social media and shout the questions in all caps – however you can get them to me, I want them. I promise to read them all. I’ll even make sure Lola spends more than 2.5 seconds answering them between chasing a wild bunny in the backyard and pondering the meaning of a hummingbird’s life.

Now, since we live in a litigious society I feel obligated to mention that your questions are being answered by Lola, the English Bulldog who lives with me. She does not have a medical degree. She does not have a psychology degree. She does not have a degree in any field of study, unless you count her cheese tasting hours. She does have a degree in English Bulldogery and she’s ready to make you laugh.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:


Image HTML map generator

Poll Tuesday week 20…

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

Death has decided to pay a visit. He’s wearing that hideous black robe and holding his ridiculous weapon. As if he wouldn’t just carry a shank concealed in a pocket. Come on death, get with the times already! Death is allowing you a slight reprieve – you get to choose one thing to do on your final day. What will you choose to do?!

Yep, there’s the scenario. Now get onto Twitter and see what choices I’ve given you. Hint: there are meatballs.

Twitter Poll Tuesday


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

The scary recluse of the neighborhood…

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

Crazy Dog Lady

I often wonder when I will hit that moment of no return and become a hermit. Ever since retiring from the daycare world, I’ve been venturing out of the house less and less often. I used to drag the Hubster out each evening after he returned home from work, desperate for human interaction. He would complain that he wanted to relax and watch some television, but I am a social butterfly and would bend him to my will. Dinners, movies, shows, people! The world was my oyster.

After a few months of this, I would only drag Hubster out on the weekends – forcing him to participate in the most mundane of adult household activities. We would wander the home improvement store while I tried to convince Hubster that knocking an entire wall down was easy, and I could do it with this one tool! Luckily, he always managed to distract me with a shiny object as he shuffled me through the exit.

Then I only left the house for the dreaded grocery shopping. You know, that time suck of two hours where all you do is spend $400 on cookies. Then you sit around for the next two weeks and wonder why you are hungry and just where did all your money go?! Then I found the grocery delivery service and I’ve stopped even doing that. Now I just order them online and a faceless person loads them into the trunk of the car while I sit in comfort listening to the radio. I think we exchanged 6 words on my last trip and they were weather related. FYI, it was raining – I know, shocker. (For those of you unfamiliar, it rains here over 300 days each year. It wasn’t a shocker.)

The monthly journey to Target eventually became the only time I left the house. I never dragged the Hubster with me, Target is a sacred place where I must be unfettered of people rushing me to leave. I need to inhale the smells, exhale my life’s stresses, and purchase ridiculous amounts of stationary because they have whales, and anchors, and flamingos, and bulldogs! The list continues on until I pass out from exhaustion in the back of the store…right where they display the furniture. They knew you’d need a nap from pushing that 600 pound cart you can no longer see over!

Now, Hubster complains that he never gets to go out any more. It is becoming such a problem that he’s resorted to bribing my friends to drag me out in my pajamas if they have to. Just this weekend Hubster was telling my friend that I must be walked weekly, and returned home well-fed, or he’s not sure what will happen. There were some manly mutterings about my growing into the couch, perhaps eventually just being forgotten by all the humans.

So, when exactly should I worry? I still shower everyday. I play with Lola all day long. We even journey around the backyard just to see if any other creatures are trying to make it their own territory. I venture out in the dark of the night and bring home my delicious Taco Bell cheese, exchanging more than a few words with the workers. In fact, I spend so much time with them that they’ve taken to testing out comedy bits on me when I pull up. Once, they all took turns using accents through the microphone to see if I could identify who was who. And I did! So what else do the humans have on the outside that I must participate in?!

Nothing.

I’d like to add this closing thought – if people forget about me, what’s the likelihood they’ll remember me when they become zombies and are looking for a food source?! Exactly!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: