That victory lap made me hungry…

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Today I’d like to touch on a few newsworthy items happening in the world…or just in my world. Lola and I have been having a blast!

-I celebrated my birthday with friends since the Hubster is all but a figment of my imagination at this point. I vaguely recall what he looks like, but I’m not sure I could recognize his voice again. Deployments suck everybody. Luckily, my friends made sure I drowned my sorrows in a four course feast at the Melting Pot. There was melted cheese pots, pots to cook piles of meat, and pots of melted chocolate ala Wonka Factory. And a salad course. That one is basically just a throwaway course when you consider the other three, but it is included in the price so I ate it.

-I still haven’t overcome my fear of ferry rides and I have an event requiring a ferry in a month. If a ferry disappears between now and then, you’ll find me hiding in my closet.

-I completed more writing jobs, some of them were about celebrities. Too bad the celebrities are lame and practically unknown. I wonder if the people hiring me to write about them are actually their publicists? Am I just encouraging those stupid Kardashians to put out more articles about themselves to counteract the articles I’m writing about other celebrities?! I must think on this before I do anymore of these celebrity jobs…who am I kidding, they’re paying me and I love the smell of money.

-Lola had a major meltdown outside. I’ll write a full post about it once I recover from the trauma of having to haul my bulldog into the house at 1am. She is heavy and awkward and she pulls that jello move that all kids perfect by their first birthday. I wonder what my neighbors think of the crazy dog lady who lives next door?!

-My blog was the most viewed last week on a very popular linkup I participate in. And by popular, I mean the blogger has well over 10,000 followers. I’m at about 500, what does that tell you?!! Anyways, as the most viewed blog she gave me a ton of free publicity and I’m proud to say I didn’t let the accolades all go to my head. Hahahahahaha. I lie. I went on a social media victory lap while laughing and squeezing Lola so hard that she decided to fill out her last will and testament. (She left everything to her Daddybeast, as if that guy even exists anymore.)

If you aren’t following me on social media you are seriously missing out on Lola’s high jinks and my personal thoughts. So follow us or cry, or choose both options.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

 

 

Guess who waited six weeks…

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By now most of you know the plight of my new lawn. It is huge. It requires mowing. The Hubster is not here so apparently that mowing falls onto me. And it rains, a lot, so the grass is growing freakishly fast.

Did I mention that my current lawnmower is a battery-powered toy we used in our previous townhouses?!?!

After weeks of tracking down landscaping bids and then having heart attacks over the cost of mowing, I found an unsuspecting teenager who likes money. Sadly, this isn’t a random teen. This teenager belongs to a great friend of mine and I worried incessantly over losing that friendship due to the jungle warfare I was throwing her kid into.

Apparently, she’s okay with losing a kid; she sent him to me anyway. 

So the JungleTamer (JT) shows up and looks in disbelief at the lawnmower I present him with. It is tiny. It is plastic. It is battery-powered. I have to give that kid credit, as a teen I’m pretty sure I would have run off the moment I saw that thing. Luckily for me, JT is made of much sterner stuff. He loaded the battery into the machine and starts off on the mowing. I watched the first two passes in shock…while laughing where JT couldn’t see me. The mower would barely move and he had to keep lifting it to get it to actually cut.

I knew it. The grass was too long, the mower too underpowered. But JT was committed and he takes that commitment seriously. That or he had a hot date and needed the cash I was giving him. Either way, I was winning.

Then the battery died. The battery that should last 4 hours. It died in under 15 minutes.

Okay, nobody panic!!! We have a second battery. Maybe that old one was worn out.

JungleTamer replaces the battery and with a smile on his face, he starts up the mowing again. It’s at this point that I start texting JT’s mom, hoping she’ll forgive me if her kid gets lost in the yard.

Then the unthinkable happens. Battery number two dies. What the hell are we supposed to do now?! That’s it, the front yard is the tiny yard and we used up two batteries to do half of it, I’m doomed. I’m already planning on how to burn the grass with a propane torch when JT steps in as the voice of reason. He’s going to return to his house and bring back a bigger, gas-powered mower.

Gasoline. Good idea. If that doesn’t work, we can pour the gas on the ground and light a match.

Yard: taken care of.

JT arrives back to the lawn from hell and he starts the mower up. One pass in, the mower stops. Once again, nobody panic! (At this point I just sat down on the porch and decided I was useless for the rest of the day.)

JungleTamer puts gas in the mower. Mower won’t start.

JT starts playing with things on the side of the mower. Mower won’t start.

It’s official, I’m burning down the house and starting over somewhere new.

JT asks for a screwdriver. I consider giving him a Bic lighter, then hand him the screwdriver thinking he can stab the engine with it if needed.

JungleTamer jams that screwdriver into something and then leaves it there while he mows.

After paying JT extra money for all the trouble (and hours) that kid put in, we agreed to not wait so long in between mowing so it would be easier next time.

If you didn’t note the title of this post, go look at it now…JungleTamer may not come back.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

I am officially a professional writer…

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It’s official, I am now a paid professional writer. Holy crap! I know I’ve been saying for the past six months that I’m a freelance writer, but honestly that was mostly just a cover for me feeling like useless log admitting I just enjoy sitting at home watching trashy TV. But now, it’s finally official, I am a freelance writer. I was accepted onto a writing platform, graded, and given a pretty awesome star rating considering I’ve got no resume to speak of in the field. Then I thought I would sit back and wait. According to the forums, it can take a while to build up a client list and make money.

Well, I didn’t have to wait. My first client chose me from a casting call within 24 hours and I was given 18 orders to complete within 3 days. My brother was visiting but as a man who enjoys money as much as I do, he told me to buckle down and get that cash. And get that cash I did! Ten of my 18 orders were pulled into the random Editor arena and all of them came out smelling like roses and needing no revisions. I was, quite frankly, on a high. Then I got a message from the final Editor for the tenth piece pulled. I was nervous and worried they would take one of my stars away, which seriously hurts the amount I get paid.

I don’t know why I doubted myself. The Editor said I was doing awesome and was happy I met the deadline with such a ridiculously large order for a newbie!!

Yay me!

And now I’m off and running with new orders just about every day. If I’m not posting here, it’s because “the man” is giving me jobs…and money. God I’ve missed money. I think my eyes are more sparkly when I see money.

I’m going to go stare at my bank account balance…again.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather


So I’m beyond excited to announce that on last week’s link up over at Domesticated Momster, my blog was the most viewed. This week I got a shout out and it is wonderful! Check out the blog where I spend my Thursdays, there are cool people over there.

Domesticated Momster

 

It was his last day and I almost blew it…

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My brother has left, his vacation with me is over, and I am bereft. But it’s probably a good thing that he left or I may be dead.

Allow me to explain.

As you all know, my brother lives in Alaska and scenery is king there. A trip to visit me in Washington state means I don’t have a lot of options on things to amaze him with. I’ve got mountains, his are better. I’ve got ample wildlife, he has more. So honestly, the only thing I had for this kid were casinos and food.

I did great at the casinos. I was ahead and loving life. It was the food that tried to kill me. Things were going great, until Friday night. We decided to return to a restaurant we had already been to and I ordered with gusto.

I love that gusto sounds like fatso, it kind of elevates my status when I tell a story involving too much food.

By 5am on Saturday morning I had given up the fight. I stopped counting the number of times I vomited when I reached 24. I asked my brother to kill me, he wanted to do so many times in our youth, but as an adult I guess prison doesn’t look as good. He declined and bought me medicine.

I thought my brother had surely matured and was officially an adult.

Then he abandoned me to go to a casino. In all honesty though, I would have done the same thing.

Siblings are the best!!


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

Good thing he’s a chef…

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Apparently I need to work on my time management. I haven’t posted a new blog in two weeks, but it’s not all my fault. My baby brother decided to pop in for a visit since we haven’t seen each other in almost seven years. Since I only had one day’s notice of his arrival, things like scheduling blogs to post in my absence just floated away as I planned the most important part of my brother’s visit:

What restaurants we needed to eat at to fulfill our lives.

Yes, I’d love to admit I’m showing him the amazing scenery that Washington state holds so dear. But I’m not. I’m showing him the inside of restaurants as we drive from one meal to another. I also showed him the inside of a mall.

Here’s the thing, my brother lives in Alaska. I drove two and a half hours to the Olympic Mountains and we only stayed for 15 minutes. Then I drove the two and a half hours back. It’s very, very hard to impress an Alaskan resident with scenery. Especially when you consider that as kids we RV’d our way across America. More than once.

So yeah, restaurants are what I had to impress him with. I’m not sure I succeeded but he did get to eat a Dork burger so that’s a win. Now, I’ve got to go buckle down and plot out the last few days of meals.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

I’ve added a link to one of my favorite bloggers, she lets me bombard her with my tweets and links and never once bit me. Between her threatening to bite people and me threatening to shank people, I’m pretty impressed the blogging world allows us. But we’re funny so apparently people are willing to take the risk! Click the teeth if you want to read.

Domesticated Momster

10 things that fat girls know…

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A true fat kid has experienced all 10 of these things. A chubby kid scores a 5 out of 10. A skinny kid will deny even knowing what cake is.

  1. Eating cake over a sink means there are no calories…and it is much more delicious.
  2. Taco Bell tastes so much better at 1 a.m.
  3. Ordering two meals so you can have a “buffet” is a real thing.
  4. Leftovers rarely make it to the next day; that 1 a.m. mealtime is calling our names. (See #2.)
  5. Pants shrink in the closet.
  6. Pants shrink in the dryer.
  7. Pants shrink just by being pants.
  8. There is never enough cheese on a pizza. More cheese please, sir!
  9. Walking around the house for 10 minutes is exercise for that cookie on the counter that will be eaten.
  10. Even within the same brand of clothing, you will have a variety of different sized pants. We don’t know why. We blame it on cake delirium suffered by the clothing manufacturers.

    Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

    I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

    You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

     

I am not explaining another accident to my doctor…

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I think I may have broken my index finger. I was trying to adjust my kitchen aid bowl the other day and I foolishly opted to ignore the instruction to “unplug the unit.” And you can guess what happened next.

As my hand slid on the machine, it knocked the lever and turned the mixer onto its fastest speed. My finger got caught between the bowl and the flat beater.

That 1.3 horsepower sounds little but your bone is no match for it.

Now, I’d like to give a few pointers in case this ever happens to you. First, unplug the unit. Nobody needs a hero, just do what they say. Second, please don’t try to pull your hand free. All you really end up doing is lifting up the entire mixer by the one finger trapped in the jaws of the machine.

And that mixer is very heavy!

It’s been over a week and it hurts worse than it did before. A bruise would be decreasing in pain, wouldn’t it?!

I’m going to go make a splint out of popsicle sticks and tape. Thank god I keep a well-stocked first aid kit.

Update: The popsicle stick was working well but I finally went to the doctor when the finger swelled up. It is fractured so I get to pretend I’m Colossus from Deadpool while it heals.

Colossus Hand

I wonder if I automatically get super strength powers?!


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

Cake eating is complicated…

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The other day I was talking to my friend on the phone when I used the phrase, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

She instantly wanted to know how anyone got to eat cake if you couldn’t have it and eat it. Apparently this expression has escaped her notice until now, or else no one has been able to answer it for her.

She knew exactly who could answer random questions about cake.

I told her you can eat cake you don’t have. Basically, you have to steal cake if you want to eat it. That way it’s not yours to have and you can eat it.

She immediately replied that she had to go, her husband was holding a cupcake.

My last bit of wisdom to her was to be stealthy. If you steal the cupcake and then he steals it back, he gets to eat it.

Twinkies

People say these are fake cake, so you can have them AND eat them without all the theft involved with real cake.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

Lola had the fur scared off her….

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This morning Lola and I made the command decision to clean the house. We couldn’t find a maid that we liked and could afford so we’re doing all the heavy lifting ourselves.

Stupid dreams of a maid, it really made us complacent this week.

So there I am, moving all of our furniture, when I get the bright idea to steam clean. You know, freshen up the entire house. I wish my OCD would allow me to do one task a day. The “have to do it all at once or nothing at all” mentality can wreck your weekend.

So there I was, knee-deep in wet carpets with furniture strewn about, when Lola came bounding towards me like the demons of hell were behind her.

Or Jaws, it was kind of hard to tell.

I march down the hall, prepared to find something tipped over or maybe even a puddle on the floor in protest of the very loud steam cleaner.

Nothing.

I continue cleaning and two minutes later Lola comes flying from the back of the house again.

Check again, nothing.

Exhausted Lola

Then Lola lies down and shakes.

As I’m checking her out I spot what demon has been tormenting her.

I yell out, “that’s a big motherfucking spider” as I sprint away from it.

The Hubster is on duty, not returning until tomorrow. It’s up to me to kill this thing.

I collect my spider killing gear. Gloves, check. Paper towel, check. Toilet seat open, check. Vacuum nearby just in case that spider gets rowdy, check.

I return to the hallway….and it’s empty.

Shank my life! You know that thing is off making spider babies to hatch in my house. Now I HAVE to move everything.

I will find him!

Expect updates to follow if I can’t…..and prepare Lola and I a bedroom in case we wind up at your house.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

Foam….just foam….sigh

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Note: I wrote about this problem two and a half years ago. The foam is already soft again. Where’s my fucking rock?!!!!

So I have this fabulous couch that is amazing except for the fact that I am already griping that I need foam cushion replacements to sit on and it is less than three years old. The Hubster assures me that I have a super low tolerance for any softening of any item in the entire world.

Case in point:

We bought the world’s firmest mattress and within half the life of it I was whining that it was too squishy and was hurting me as I slowly drowned into it like a Freddy Kruger movie come to life. And the poor Hubster said he was just breaking it in and getting comfortable.

We then bought our new mattress which you have to rotate in a circle every six months to ensure that one person doesn’t wear out one side while the other person is living it up on the other side. I make the Hubster rotate it every other month because I feel like I am dying a slow, miserable death where Unicorns and glitter come to life and shank you.

Which is an unpleasant way to die, in my opinion.

Hubster also pointed out that I refuse to sit on our couch in the man room due to the tilting of the world on its axis when you try to sit upright. Jason says he can sit up just fine, meanwhile I’m in a prone position wondering why foam hates me so much.

What makes this whole situation sad is that I even project my dislike of foam onto Lola. While ordering custom foam for my couch I decided to order a replacement foam cushion for Lola’s chair. Why? Because it looked squishy and she hasn’t been sitting on it enough recently so she must hate the squishy.

Conclusion, I need to sit on a rock. It’s the only solution. And maybe Lola needs to join me.


Check out my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shank-You-Very-Much/844635398954894

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter https://twitter.com/HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @shankyouheather

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