Poll Tuesday week 2…

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We’re back with our second week of tough decisions. Today’s poll finds you an hour late for a party and everyone is angry that they’ve been waiting for you so long. You must choose one of three items to bring to the party. PICK!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Join in the conversation by heading to my Twitter profile now!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

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When those you love are no longer quite themselves…

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Well, she’s done. After painstaking hours, upon hours, upon hours, I have finally created a cartoon Lola that perfectly reflects her endearing personality with a touch of rascal mixed in for even greater lovability. Or as the Hubster sees it, a cute face with the heart of a terrorist; we either give in to her or the poop gets laid in the house.

Lola Cartoon

Look at that face. How could anyone resist her darling commands requests?!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

My sweet goodbye to the world…

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Well, I unleashed a Twitter storm upon myself. I had planned on being extremely productive yesterday and today- writing new blogs, getting a chapter in the book done, finishing the Lola cartoon that has been painstaking in its creation. I did none of it. Instead, I put up a poll on Twitter and fell into the rabbit hole. Hundreds of tweets were exchanged. Hundreds. To put this into perspective, I rarely get more than 10 comments/retweets when I put something on Twitter. I was unprepared for the Twitter response to my poll and I’ve been having a blast trying to keep up with all the replies. I’ve put the poll below, for those of you not on Twitter.

My Twitter followers worked out how to have everything they need for the rest of their lives on the island. They worked out the way off the island as well, but since they’ve got cheese, wine, books, hammocks, and Lola, they decided they weren’t coming back any time soon. Maybe when their kids turn 18 and vacate the house. Maybe. Heck, they lured me to the island with the Taco Bell they promised me so I’m not sure any of us will ever return.

Now, I’m off to play on Twitter some more, because my followers are awesome and their brains never stop coming up with brilliant things. I also need some more British insults to use when people around me are stupid. Like I said earlier, it’s a rabbit hole and you never know what you will find!

Deserted Island


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:


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All the things you didn’t know you knew…

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I wrote a post called All the Things You Didn’t Know You Knew and it ended up being so popular with my fellow bloggers that they asked me to turn it into a tagging post. So if you’re not a blogger, you may not care about what I have to say today (though I still invite you to read on in case you missed the original post).

all the things you didn’t know you knew

  1. Read through my post. I know, that seems like a given.
  2. Start your own blog post.
  3. Fill your alphabet in with things that describe you. Or just random thoughts that start with that letter if your brain decides it doesn’t feel like cooperating.
  4. Tag the person who sent this to you and two other bloggers that you’d like to know more about.
  5. Copy and paste these directions above your post so people know what to do.
  6. Use this photo to jazz up your post!
  7. Shank You Very Much
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    Here are 26 things you may or may to know about me. If you know them all, you probably need to have someone ready to post bail since you obviously spend too much time with me and will inevitably end up in a Taco Bell related incident at some point.

    A- ALWAYS talking. Seriously, do I ever take a breath?!

    B- BANANAS are awesome. For exactly one day. I don’t care how many strange looks I get at the store, I only want the one banana from the bunch.

    C- CATS suck big time. I used to like them as a kid, you know, when you’re naturally fearless and think you’ll live forever. Now I’m terrified they will claw my eyes out and bite me just for walking past them. Also, CHEESE is my best friend.

    D- DOGS are the best. See L for more info.

    E- EARS. I’m deaf and I hate wearing my hearing aids, I’m not trying to yell at you. Unless you stole my cheese, in which case I am yelling at you.

    F- FOOD. Enough said.

    G- GYOZA. How many gyoza can you eat in a meal? My record was 17 and I had to lie down afterwards. I’ll never do it again due to the very real risk that I’ll end up hating them for life.

    H- HUMOR. I live it, love it, breathe and eat it.

    I- ITALIAN food. Get in my belly. Also, I’m Italian so I guess this one is dual-purposed.

    J- JAMMIES. Also know as pajamas, PJs, or sleepwear. Hubster is convinced I want to be a stay at home writer just for the wardrobe. He’s right, but I can’t tell him that!

    K- KETCHUP. It should be a food group. Sometimes I base an entire dinner around my desire for ketchup. The worst moments (for those around me) are when I order a steak at a nice restaurant and then put ketchup on it. Hey, I am paying for that meal and if all I really want is ketchup then maybe consider making it socially acceptable to eat it with a spoon. Until then, I need steak to dip in it!!!

    L- LOLA is pretty much all that matters. That and oxygen.

    M- MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY. Even my anatomy demanded it be an individual!

    N- NACHO CHEESE. They invented cheese. It was good. Then they made it drinkable…entire paychecks have been lost to Taco Bell and their cheesy concoctions.

    O- ORGANIZED. Do you remember the Nintendo game guides I made, back before game guides existed?!?! More spreadsheets please!

    P- POLITICIAN. Judging by my Heatherisms, I’m sure I would have saved the world from itself by now.

    Q- QUIZZICAL. Because nosy sounds rude.

    R- READING. I read so much that I wore out the page turn button on my first Kindle and had to buy a new one.

    S- SHANK. Have you noticed the title of this blog?! Also SPAM.

    T- TACO BELL and TWINKIES. I can’t live without either. I once had to choose between the two until the Hubster finally gave in a bought me both. He said adults shouldn’t cry when making food choices, but I disagree. Adults shouldn’t have to choose, that’s why we all turn 18- food freedom!

    U- UNFORGETTABLE. You know how you meet someone and you can’t quite place them so you have to ask them how you know them? Yeah, no one has ever said that about me. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but they don’t run away screaming so I’m going to assume the positive.

    V- VICTORY. Because no one wants to lose, even if they say it’s ok. Inside, they are burning up with hatred and becoming the world’s next supervillain.

    W- WHITE CASTLE. I miss you tiny hamburgers from New Jersey.

    X- X-RAY. I’ve spent a lot of time taking pictures of my bones thanks to feet that try to kill me every time I stand.

    Y- YOUNG-ish. Someone called me ma’am the other day. I would be upset about it but he was handing me my Taco Bell order. Nacho cheese solves every world problem.

    Z- ZAZZLE. Thank goodness I opened my own Zazzle store or I wouldn’t have known what to put here.

    I’m now tagging a few bloggers to get this ball rolling.

    The Single Swan

    The Mum Reviews

    The Daydreamer Mum

    The Squirmy Popple


    Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

    I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

    You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

    Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much

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I’m happy to be subservient…

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I would like to apologize in advance, I didn’t mean to start the robot uprising, but now that it’s here I think we should all just embrace it. Let’s face it, the people who fight back against the robots are always the people who die first or suffer great personal tragedy. Since dignified suffering has never been my cup of tea, I plan on being subservient and selling out the human race hard! I think that’s why the robots chose me to start their uprising.

Robot

Last night I was scrolling around Facebook; watching videos, commenting on posts, making witty puns, I was having a good time. Then I clicked on an Ellen video and the whole night went sideways. The video started and was tremendously loud even to my deaf ears. Hubster was sleeping one thin wall away, so I immediately clicked out of the video until I could adjust my volume settings. Except the video kept playing. (I had a fleeting moment where I pondered if the movie I watched earlier in the day was coming true- it involved ghosts in the electrical system that could manipulate machines. I threw the thought out because my phone wasn’t actively plugged in…not because the theory was implausible, it could totally happen!)

Not one to panic, alright, I am one to panic. I may be one to panic, but this one time I did not panic because this has happened to me before. I’ve clicked on a video and unwittingly went into the YouTube app automatically in order to view it. Then when I leave the video, I think I’ve closed it, but I really haven’t. These apps work in mysterious ways and I’ve learned not to question them. (Yet another reason for the robots to choose me?!)

I opened the YouTube app and realized the video had not been playing there. But I could still hear the video so it was playing from somewhere. While I was going from app to app trying to figure out where it was playing from, I started to feel a niggle of panic in the very back of my brain.

I reentered Facebook, feeling a little bit wary of what was happening. I realized the video was at the top of my news feed. Nobody’s mouth was moving. The video was not playing at all! But the sound of the video was still playing. I did that cool thing you do on an iPhone, and I actually closed the Facebook app for the first time since I got this phone two years ago.

The sound kept playing.

I didn’t panic, I held myself together and worked on the problem; no one ever got anywhere by panicking. (I had to keep reminding myself of this!) I decided to close every app on my phone because obviously one of them was playing this video and I just wasn’t aware of it.

I closed the final app…the video sound was still spilling out of my phone. It was at this moment that Ellen and her entire studio audience happened to burst into laughter, like they planned this whole thing to see how many people they could freak out. Undaunted, I decided to give them the final blow and I put the phone into sleep mode.

Ah, black screen, now I can relax.

The sound of the video continued to play. It was at this very moment that I heard this music in the back of my mind. As I slowly looked down at my phone in disbelief, I realized my brain had composed its own horror movie music score just waiting for this very moment to play on loop. I decided to do what any reasonable person would do.

I threw my phone on the ground and ran away from it.

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

The Patriotic Anchor Collection
The Patriotic Anchor Collection
by Heather Keet


These are the linkups that I participate in, click an image to check it out!

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The (Tragic) Life of a Writer…

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I haven’t written a blog post in a few days. I’d like to say I was working very hard on them, but that would be a lie. I was playing internet based games and snacking on potato chips while my brain protested any sort of labor. I also watched a lot of SyFy original movies involving winter storms with ghosts and electrical wiring that wasn’t up to code. That last part might have actually been the HGTV home renovation shows that I was watching until Hubster made me turn it off so I would stop trying to convince him to remodel our bathrooms.

Apparently, I have to actually earn money if I want to spend it…

Last night I made some critical decisions regarding my future. I have finally, finally, decided on a topic for my book. Finally. The Hubster actually cracked a smile and felt a little ray of hope that his starving artist wife might have a direction in life. I know what you’re thinking, hasn’t she been writing a book for over a year now?! Yes, you are correct. However, I was just writing stuff down. Life stories, funny happenings,  and things that enraged me, causing me to become the person that I am today. It was 14 books all mixing into one incoherent jumble.

Apparently, that’s not acceptable to most readers.

I’ve picked out a few tentative titles and I’m going to put sticky notes all over my writing command center (otherwise known as two iMacs sitting side by side) that remind me to stick to the subject I have chosen. Which is already making me want to stick a pencil in my ear and swirl. Sticking to a subject is not something I excel at. Anyone who’s had a conversation with me knows it changes from the best toilet paper brand to alien life on Mars without even a breath in between.

I’m not going to tell you what the book’s subject is yet because I don’t want you to decide to not buy my book. In fact, I may just sell a book with no title and a black cover. It will have a random picture that will pique your curiosity so much that you have to buy it just to see what’s happening inside.

And look at that, not only do I have my book subject down firmly, I have my marketing plan in place!

The (Tragic) Life of a Writer


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:


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All the things you didn’t know you knew…

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Here are 26 things you may or may to know about me. If you know them all, you probably need to have someone ready to post bail since you obviously spend too much time with me and will inevitably end up in a Taco Bell related incident at some point.

A- ALWAYS talking. Seriously, do I ever take a breath?!

B- BANANAS are awesome. For exactly one day. I don’t care how many strange looks I get at the store, I only want the one banana from the bunch.

C- CATS suck big time. I used to like them as a kid, you know, when you’re naturally fearless and think you’ll live forever. Now I’m terrified they will claw my eyes out and bite me just for walking past them. Also, CHEESE is my best friend.

D- DOGS are the best. See L for more info.

E- EARS. I’m deaf and I hate wearing my hearing aids, I’m not trying to yell at you. Unless you stole my cheese, in which case I am yelling at you.

F- FOOD. Enough said.

G- GYOZA. How many gyoza can you eat in a meal? My record was 17 and I had to lie down afterwards. I’ll never do it again due to the very real risk that I’ll end up hating them for life.

H- HUMOR. I live it, love it, breathe and eat it.

I- ITALIAN food. Get in my belly. Also, I’m Italian so I guess this one is dual-purposed.

J- JAMMIES. Also know as pajamas, PJs, or sleepwear. Hubster is convinced I want to be a stay at home writer just for the wardrobe. He’s right, but I can’t tell him that!

K- KETCHUP. It should be a food group. Sometimes I base an entire dinner around my desire for ketchup. The worst moments (for those around me) are when I order a steak at a nice restaurant and then put ketchup on it. Hey, I am paying for that meal and if all I really want is ketchup then maybe consider making it socially acceptable to eat it with a spoon. Until then, I need steak to dip in it!!!

L- LOLA is pretty much all that matters. That and oxygen.

M- MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY. Even my anatomy demanded it be an individual!

N- NACHO CHEESE. They invented cheese. It was good. Then they made it drinkable…entire paychecks have been lost to Taco Bell and their cheesy concoctions.

O- ORGANIZED. Do you remember the Nintendo game guides I made, back before game guides existed?!?! More spreadsheets please!

P- POLITICIAN. Judging by my Heatherisms, I’m sure I would have saved the world from itself by now.

Q- QUIZZICAL. Because nosy sounds rude.

R- READING. I read so much that I wore out the page turn button on my first Kindle and had to buy a new one.

S- SHANK. Have you noticed the title of this blog?! Also SPAM.

T- TACO BELL and TWINKIES. I can’t live without either. I once had to choose between the two until the Hubster finally gave in a bought me both. He said adults shouldn’t cry when making food choices, but I disagree. Adults shouldn’t have to choose, that’s why we all turn 18- food freedom!

U- UNFORGETTABLE. You know how you meet someone and you can’t quite place them so you have to ask them how you know them? Yeah, no one has ever said that about me. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but they don’t run away screaming so I’m going to assume the positive.

V- VICTORY. Because no one wants to lose, even if they say it’s ok. Inside, they are burning up with hatred and becoming the world’s next supervillain.

W- WHITE CASTLE. I miss you tiny hamburgers from New Jersey.

X- X-RAY. I’ve spent a lot of time taking pictures of my bones thanks to feet that try to kill me every time I stand.

Y- YOUNG-ish. Someone called me ma’am the other day. I would be upset about it but he was handing me my Taco Bell order. Nacho cheese solves every world problem.

Z- ZAZZLE. Thank goodness I opened my own Zazzle store or I wouldn’t have known what to put here.

things-you-know


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

 

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The Earthquake Survival Strategy…

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We have had some excitement here in my area of Washington State. Two days ago we had an earthquake. Now, generally we don’t get squirrely about earthquakes in this area because we get tiny rumbles every so often. However, in the five years I’ve lived here, I’ve never felt a rumble at all. Sure, the news tells me it happened after the fact, but I didn’t actually know it was happening at the time. This was not the case this week.

It all started during TV time with Lola and the Hubster. Everyone was snacking and enjoying life to its fullest. And then a ghastly event began to unfold. We felt what we thought was a big truck humming by our house. But the big truck jiggly feeling increased until we were leaning forward and looking about us with a “DO WE RUN OR DIE HERE” look on our faces. Luckily, before Lola and I could completely devolve into a panic, we were distracted by a dull groaning noise.

It wasn’t the Hubster. He was sitting calmly next to us as Lola and I worked ourselves into a frenzy. We were ready to pack our go gear and evacuate for new lands.

The groaning noise sounded like the Earth was opening up to swallow us whole. Hubster claimed I was hearing the curio cabinet right next to me as it rattled away. But to that I say NO! I heard that rattling noise, and it was distinctly different from the groaning- not to mention one sound came from the left and one came from the right. Hubster may say I’m crazy, but even Lola whipped her head from the curio cabinet rattle to the other side of the house at the same time I did and began to ferociously bark a warning.

I may be partially deaf, but the dog backs up that my hearing did not fail me this time.

As Lola frantically barked and growled to warn the Earth not to fuck with her family, it all stopped. I immediately set out to see if the Earth had opened up a chasm into another realm right in my front yard. Which would be unfortunate since my septic tank is there. If there was a portal into another realm though, I had serious decisions to make. Like should I pack Twinkies before Lola and I stepped into another realm, just in case they didn’t have those on the other side.

earthquake-survival-strategy

A note from your fearless author: If you aren’t following me on any of my social media accounts, you really should. I decided the only way to plan my Earthquake Survival Strategy was to watch San Andreas starring The Rock. I live streamed all my witty humor as I tried to learn how I was to survive if the big earthquake hits. Though I feel like the movie didn’t prepare me for one big roadblock in my survival plan: I live between two volcanoes and scientists have said when the big quake hits, both volcanoes will erupt. So if Mount Saint Helens and Mount Hood could please hold it together, The Rock says I’ll need about 2 hours to survive the Earthquake Apocalypse.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:


These are the linkups that I participate in, click an image to check it out!

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The true cost of childhood…

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I made a critical error when ordering my Girl Scout cookies this year. Each year I order cookies just after eating a large, usually pasta centric, meal. The mighty belly is satiated and I can think with the rational side of my brain when calculating just how many boxes I need to order in January to last the entire year. Because as you all know, if you run out of cookies before the year ends, those Girl Scouts are nowhere to be found and you resort to buying cookies off your friends and it ends up costing more than cocaine.

I myself have purchased a $3.50 box of cookies in January and resold them to a strung out, hangry friend in November for a cool $20. With the current cost up to $5 a box in January, shit’s going to get real if I exhaust my supply and have to buy them on the street in July.

Back to that critical error. I decided to order online this year from a an adorably curly-haired little lady who had dreams that needed fulfilling. The only way to ensure she didn’t become a resentful, bitter adult with evil in her soul, was to ensure her dreams came true as a child. I bought cookies. A lot of cookies. So many boxes of cookies. Did I mention I was also hungry when ordering?! So there I was, trying to abort an evil tyrant in the making, while viciously hungry and waiting for the Hubster to come home for dinner.

It was a terrible combination of fear and hunger that drove me to spend so much money.

Since the Hubster and I are on a strict we bought a house and now something awful will happen that costs us thousands of dollars and a kidney budget, we have to find a way to cover that cookie bill without using our emergency money. I consider a budding evil dictator in need of pacifying an emergency, the Hubster disagrees. And because murdering the Hubster is frowned upon by polite society, I have to go with my option two- find a place in the budget to pay for these cookies. So many boxes of cookies.

I’ve turned to the only section of the budget that makes sense, considering Lola’s section is already hiding my pedicures and the clothing section disguises any shopping sprees that my frugal it’s on sale! brain cannot resist (Amazon, I’m looking at you). I’m going to pay for the cookies out of our grocery section. The section that is almost always over budget thanks to my Twinkie and Coke Zero habit. Sure, it means we can’t eat meat for two months or even think about popping a shrimp in our mouth for the entire fiscal year, but it will all be worth it when we’re having Tagalongs for dinner in December…

witty-girl scout cookies


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

The iPhone ruins lives…

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I had big plans for you all today. For the past several days I’ve been working on a new post about things that keep me awake at night. It was so entertaining that I’ve spent nights laughing and waking up just to jot down notes. Today was supposed to be the day I finalized my witty banter and introduced my comedic delight to the world.

That was all ruined by the ringing of a phone at 5:30 this morning. You see, I’m not the kind of person who can be awakened before I am ready. And anything before 9am is the kiss of death. I spend the day cranky, stomping around the house, wishing death to anything that moves counter to my pleasure. The Hubster adorably tried to run from the bedroom with his phone to avoid waking me up, but what he failed to realize was that I was not in the bedroom. I had fallen asleep on the couch after a late night of writing, snacking, and television bingeing.

He walked right into my napping zone and woke the beast. 

The look on his face was something I’ll never forget. It was part horror, part wishing for his own death, and part “if I murder her to stop the impending rampage, would that be considered my great contribution to mankind?”

I decided to muster every ounce of compassion, kindness, benevolence, forbearance, graciousness, and humanity that I could find, and I made the Hubster cinnamon buns for breakfast. There the Hubster sat, slyly contemplating if the breakfast was poisoned, poking with his fork to find hidden metal shards, listening to me talk. That’s where all of the good in me died and I morphed into the beast who didn’t sleep. I didn’t want a response, I just wanted a body to listen and nod as I shared my sage thoughts. Hubster missed that subtle cue…poor bastard.

After 10 minutes trying to put out the fire he had started, the Hubster decided to save himself by running out of the house as if the hounds of hell were chasing him. Thanks to Lola’s ability to read my mind and lay waste to my enemies, she was making sure Hubster got the message to not come home for a very long time.

witty-nap

If the nap fails to fix me, I’d like to apologize in advance…and warn you to get your zombie gear ready in case I move towards your direction.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

 

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