A drunken weekend ends well for no one…

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Every so often the Hubster talks about wanting to get Lola a sibling. He has his hopes set on a French Bulldog that Lola can show the ropes to. He has this delusion that Lola will teach it to go potty outside, not chew any furniture, and only bark if someone comes to the door.

Witty- Get a Puppy Lola

I have saved a few pictures of Lola’s most awful puppy moments to use as a reminder that the humans are the ones who suffer when the puppy is in training- I show them to Hubster when he is at his weakest. The pictures all involve puddles of Poop Soup that Lola lovingly made from her body any time she was left alone in the crate. Or left alone in the house. Or left alone in the living room for two minutes while I went to the bathroom a mere two feet away from where she was standing. Why Lola never figured out that she could walk forward to see me was beyond all my human comprehension skills. Lola had an irrational puppy fear that we would leave her and never return, rendering her incapable of maintaining even the simplest of bodily functions. This fear instantly receded when she turned 9 months old and has not reared its ugly head since.

Until this weekend.

This weekend the Hubster needed no pictures to remind him of the horrors of puppyhood. Lola had to be sedated so that the vet could give her a thorough teeth cleaning. As a result of the sedation, I was warned by the vet that Lola would be drowsy and clumsy. I could handle drowsy and clumsy. What I got instead, was so much worse than that.

Lola’s butt became a weapon of mass destruction and my house was its target. Every nook, crevice, and cranny were enemies in need of rousing and Lola was ready to answer that call. As I frantically ran around trying to throw plastic on everything, Lola stumbled around like a drunken sailor on a 3 day leave- eyes at half mast and bumping into all the furniture.

The first hit was the dog bed. Lola managed to violate that while she sat semi-upright with drool running down her chin. She stared at me, stupefied, when I lifted her limp body so the Hubster could replace the biological disaster with a fresh pillow. This time, we managed to secure a plastic layer between the bed and the rug, though it mattered not since the rug had already been desecrated. As we laid her listless body back down, I realized that all those rowdy years in my early twenties were just preparing me for this moment.

The laundry cycle began and the laundress was working so hard that she asked for a raise. Hubster denied my raise and made me put another load in the wash! As I tried to keep up with the influx of dog beds, pillows, blankets, and towels, I prayed for the machine to break so that I could justify throwing it all in a pile and lighting it on fire.

Hubster was valiantly attempting to hold himself together while I savagely threw poop laden cloth around. I found him in the fetal position, in his man cave, whimpering as quietly as he could. He wasn’t getting away from the horror show that easily!

Bathing a drunken Lola was not something previously on my bucket list, but I tell you this, add that to your bucket list! It doesn’t have to be a drunken Lola, any drunken animal should suffice- though I recommend it weigh less than you do. Elephants would be a larger challenge than most people could handle.

As I was desperately lathering up Lola, who had violated her own person while she slept blissfully, I realized that Lola no longer recognized me as the Mommybeast. I had somehow morphed into her captor and I was intent on abusing her person. And in true “hold my beer” fashion, Lola commenced to escaping her prison.  

Wild thrashing of the canine body ensued because the water was in fact acid, and I was using it to burn Lola’s skin from her bones. For some reason Lola was shrieking “brindle skin coat” at me while she snapped her teeth together. I hazard a guess that I was Cruella de Vil trying to make a coat out of Bulldog? Lola kept trying to run away but her inebriated attempts were hampered by the slick ceramic tub she was standing in. I was feeling smugly victorious…then the shampoo was opened. This was no ordinary shampoo according to drunk Lola. This shampoo was a blinding agent that I was using in order to force Lola to submit to my rule. Lola’s only goal was to make sure all shampoo ended up on the tub floor. This was achieved through the Blind the Human tactic which involved vigorous shaking of the furry body and sneezing into the human’s eyes.

By the end of the bath, Lola’s ass end had become a hindrance and she attempted to flee her ceramic prison using just the front half of her body. Have you every wanted to know what a zombie cut in half acts like? Bathe a drunken animal.

The day’s end brought no relief, just a numbness deep within our bones, and a dawning realization that we had another day of this behavior before it would hopefully end. Some individuals, namely Lola (though a little bit the Hubster also), were filing appeals for the Hague to convene war crime trials.

No one in this house will ever ask for another puppy.

Lola is doing fabulously today, though we had another poop incident in our dog bed while napping. I’m pretending Lola is still recovering because her seeking retribution would be more than my fragile psyche could handle after this weekend’s literal shit show. I’m also feel guilty about Lola’s missing toys. Turns out, Lola has a hell of a bite. She has multiple chips in her back teeth and a tremendous amount of enamel that is missing. Lola has now been reduced to two toys in her bin, and she’s no longer allowed to have anything that isn’t rubber or fleece. The look of betrayal as she hunts for her missing toys is intense and I’m a bit in fear for my life when I close my eyes.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

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Pasta Carbonara recipe that will make you happy dance…

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I woke up this morning convinced that it was Wednesday. I kept checking my phone calendar in disbelief and after the third time checking, I realized that it was still Tuesday; no amount of thinking would change the date. Damn universe refuses to bend to my will. I’m blaming this breakdown of my brain on the power outage of yesterday. Yes, I have a generator so I had electricity, but I didn’t have internet and that was torment enough. My brain obviously feels like it aged two days yesterday.

Since my gray matter is having a tantrum, I’ve decided to skip creating the Lola cartoon I had planned and will instead give out a recipe. This is one of my favorites, it is the closest thing I can get to alfredo without the Hubster complaining. I make it with mozzarella when he is home since Romano would make him launch vehement protests against the reign of cheese in our household. I recommend the Pecorino Romano if you love cheese and want a better flavor, it’s truly a delicious treat for the taste buds.

Pasta Carbonara

Ingredients
2 eggs separated
3 TBSP olive oil
4 ounces pancetta or center cut bacon
1 tsp minced garlic
2 TBSP white wine
1/2 cup heavy cream
1 tsp white pepper
16 ounces(dry) thin spaghetti
1 cup shredded cheese (Pecorino Romano or mozzarella)

Utensils Needed
Large pot
Colander
12 inch nonstick sauté or frying pan

Cook pasta according to package instructions, pasta should be al dente. That means slightly firm, but not crunchy! Drain pasta in colander, mix in 1 TBSP of olive oil, stir and set aside.
In frying pan on low heat, combine remaining olive oil, pancetta, and garlic. Cook until pancetta is crisp. Be careful not to burn it, it is a quick cook!
Once pancetta is crisp add the white wine, heavy cream, and white pepper to pan. Allow sauce to thicken and stir often.
Add cooked pasta, half the cheese add 2 egg whites to pan. Mix GENTLY until ingredients are combined.
Add egg yolks and remaining cheese, give a gentle toss to coat pasta, and serve immediately.

recipe


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click the photo below.
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And the winners are…

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Well, I’ve had an exciting day! We were hit with a mighty snowstorm last night and it carried over into today. I spent the day with no electricity….aaaahhhhh! But wait, was I without electricity for days at a time, reminiscing about how much this winter was like the previous one?! No, I was not!! That whole home generator the Hubster demanded we install in November was worth every single penny we spent on it.

You remember the tale, I spent an entire season with intermittent electricity while the Hubster was deployed and then he came home and after a 3 hour period without electricity he lost his mind and demanded change. Read about it here.

I spent 14 hours today in a well-lit, warm home with access to all my important things like a refrigerator, stove, television, and full iTunes library to watch. What I didn’t have was almost more traumatizing- the internet. Yep, my perfect plan to never suffer a moment of discomfort in my life was thwarted by a tree branch, or 30. So there I sat, desperately wishing to blog, with only a single bar on my cell phone. Blogging was out, but Facebook and Tweets were possible if I put in the effort to hold my phone up to a single corner of the house about three feet above my head.

Lola and the Hubster are still mocking me with their eyes.

On to the contest winner! Last week I announced a contest to win an apparel item from my Zazzle store. Today it is finally time to announce the winners. The grand prize winner is….

Katherine over at Twin Pickle!!!!!!

I was going to give away one prize only, but my readers were so awesome with the social media shares that I decided to award two more prizes. The second place winner is…

Heather Claridad!!!!!

And the third place prize winner is….

Lisa Pomerantz!!!!!!

Congratulations and thank you to everyone who entered the contest!

Contest Winners


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much

It’s not a demon…

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You need to say that title like Arnold Schwarzenegger said “it’s not a tumor” in the movie Kindergarten Cop.

We recently put up a new fence in our backyard and Lola is still having trouble adjusting to it. When we first installed it, Lola was completely intimidated by the fact that it’s taller than the previous fence, and it smelled funny. She wouldn’t get close to it. Every time she walked into the backyard to use the bathroom, Lola would stare nervously at the fence before running directly inside, as if the fence was a demon that would come to life and inhabit her furry body. I thought this paranoia would get better over time but Lola’s fear has manifested into a different beast altogether.

And the Wild Bunnies of the Backyard Gang are terrified.

I let Lola go out to use the potty and the wind was blowing, rendering extra smells that accompany the new fence. It’s a cedar fence, so it smells amazing and woodsy…to a human. To a bulldog, it smells like impending death.

Lola spotted a member of the Wild Bunnies of the Backyard Gang and this was the last straw in her bulldog brain. As Lola charged the bunny, I desperately called out for her to stop. She was running so fast that there was a very real possibility she would catch this bunny and I did not want to watch the aftermath of that. To date, Lola has never killed a single living thing, including spiders found in our home. I did not want to start with a baby bunny. And to be frank, I was afraid once she got the taste of bunny blood she would become Lola the BunBun Hunter.

My calls for Lola to stop became more frantic as she closed in on the edge of the property line. And then I just held my breath and watched the show in front of me. The bunny made it underneath the fence, and it was at that moment that Lola realized she was next to her biggest foe..the villainous fence.

For the next 10 minutes I got to enjoy the site of a bulldog running the perimeter and barking at every single piece of wood that makes up our fence. Some pieces got barked at twice, because they looked more suspicious than their neighboring planks. The big dog next door added some barks of his own, which Lola used to remain steadfast in her quest to bark at all 365 feet of cedar fence line.

Lola has successfully conquered her fear of the fence, she’s conquered her fear of the bunnies, and I’m a little worried what fear she’s going to conquer next.

lola-rainbow


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click the photo below.

New zazzle products

 

 

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Freebie time, because you need my new shirt…

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I’m reposting this in case you missed it! Three days left until I pick a contest winner!


Well, yesterday turned into a nightmare of a blog post! I had to add two updates just to clarify what I had written. I’ve learned that drinking (nacho cheese) while blogging is not a good mix. That, or my readers are really technologically challenged and therefore none of it is my fault.

You know what? In the interest of preserving your dignity and self-worth, I will take the blame. I was drunk on nacho cheese from Taco Bell and you all are technological geniuses who were thwarted by my confusing links. I promise to always blog before I cheese.

Now on to today! I’ve got nothing. I spent the past 24 hours talking with Zazzle support to find out why my Duck Lips t-shirt shows up on my collections but not on my store product page. For all of you not familiar with the workings on my store, it should be on both pages…and it’s NOT. No one can figure it out and the support techs and I are baffled by the very technology that we embrace.

Here’s where the benefit for my readers comes in. I am giving away a Duck Lips apparel item for FREE! Anyone can win, I’ll be giving you a choice between a women’s shirt, men’s shirt, or a baby/toddler item. But regardless of what you choose, one reader will get a FREE Duck Lips item.

How do you win? Simple, comment on this post with your name and then share this post to either Facebook or Twitter. (The share buttons are on the bottom of this page!) Make sure you tag me in the post so I see it, you can find my social media tags below. (If I haven’t acknowledged your post within a day, you may want to yell at me again since it didn’t pop up to tell me how awesome you are for sharing.)

I will randomly draw a winner on February 5th.

Here’s where it gets even better! You can share me once a day on Twitter and once a day on Facebook for a total of two contest entries per day. AND you can enter again each day. That’s a total of 22 entries in the contest if you share me once on Facebook and once on Twitter every day until February 5!!!

Good luck everyone!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click the photo below.New Zazzle Products

 

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When hugging crosses the line…

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I didn’t post a blog yesterday so that goal is officially dead in the water. I wish I had a good reason but I do not. Unless you consider binge watching Seinfeld and eating ice cream a valid reason to abandon my goals. Now that I’ve typed it, the reason does seem pretty damn valid. Name one thing that would have been better than sitting around with a TV and ice cream. You can’t name it, because it doesn’t exist. It was perfection, just like the name of the town in the movie Tremors. Which I also watched yesterday.

All of yesterday’s activities have left me feeling depleted of energy so I decided to draw you guys a blog today. Yes, I drew it. You can tell because it looks like a 4-year-old child was holding the markers.

eliza-hugs

Then I decided to really test my creative abilities (and redeem myself after showing you my terrible stick figures) and do the cartoon digitally. I told a story a few weeks back about how hugging my 4-year-old niece is like wrestling with a boa constrictor. You are terrified, but incapable of running away. You can read about it here. And now I present to you:

Eliza Hugs

eliza-hugs-1 eliza-hugs-2 eliza-hugs-3 eliza-hugs-4 eliza-hugs-5 eliza-hugs-6 eliza-hugs-7 eliza-hugs-8

I’d like to add a little note here for the public to consume. All the artwork displayed on my blog is my own. I made it from scratch, I own it, the words are mine, and you shouldn’t steal it from me. I make my living off the designs I sell online and it makes me cranky when people snatch it and put it on their own website- even if you “give me credit.” I’m not giving permission and you’re stealing.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click the photo below to see a special collection:

Coping when Utopia disappears…

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Well, I failed. I was going to blog for 30 straight days but on the very first Saturday of the challenge I just lost it. I dropped the ball…and picked up a taco. That’s right, I didn’t hit my goal because I was eating tacos with friends and playing Yahtzee over the weekend. I didn’t actually manage to get a Yahtzee so the night was a bit of a disappointment.

I know it doesn’t seem like that should take up an entire weekend, but it did…I may have also watched a lot of Netflix and eaten Taco Bell while wearing my pajamas and bingeing on Bravo’s TV app.

I’ve decided to turn attention away from my inability to set a goal and keep it (cough Taco Bell and blogging goals cough) by awarding another person with the highest achievement you can get on this blog.

Worst Person Award

This award belongs to the guy at Taco Bell. Let me clarify since I went there twice since my last blog post. (Don’t judge me, the cheese is addictive!) The award goes to Sunday Taco Bell guy. Yeah, you, Sunday Taco Bell guy! You destroyed all my hopes and dreams. I went to my Utopia, the Taco Bell, and I left feeling bitterly disappointed and completely disillusioned with my life. Like the moment I found out Santa Clause was a sham and Mickey Mouse was just a dude in a costume, you too were a false promise that never materialized. You, Sunday Taco Bell guy, were the final nail in my childhood coffin. Life is now just a series of real and non-magical events, never again can I return to Utopia.

What happened, you ask? Well I’ll try to tell you my dear readers, but I’m still pretty fragile. Forgive any misspellings as I weep over my keyboard at the travesty that unfolded.

I ordered two burritos and only got one. *cue uncontrollable sobbing at keyboard* Because only the drive thru was open at that time of night, I had to go around the line again when I realized my burrito was missing. As I sat silently sobbing, in the longest drive thru line I had seen in recent years, I realized my other food was getting cold. I could not bring myself to commit the fat kid crime of eating food while sitting in a drive thru to order more food. It was an invisible boundary I knew I could not cross because I would forever be that girl.

That girl who eats her food while driving, instead of returning home and eating it while watching television. That girl who gets out of her car with food stains on her clothing because she thought she could successfully eat while driving. That girl who causes car accidents because the nacho cheese makes her steering wheel slippery. No, no, I couldn’t become that girl!

So I just drove home, one burrito short of happiness.

I’ve already forgiven you though, Taco Bell man. I called the restaurant and they’re going to give me two free burritos on my next visit. Which is one more burrito than you forgot to put in my bag. You messed up, but I now get another trip to Taco Bell without spending my airplane money…which is fantastic since I used the last of my gift cards on that burrito disaster. So while I can never return to my previous utopia, and Santa Clause and Mickey Mouse are still fictional, I can at least enjoy two delicious burritos…as long as you put them both in the bag this time!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click the photo below.

I will not fail at one more thing…

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I set a goal for myself to blog for 30 straight days. It is now 9:32pm on Friday night and I haven’t posted anything today. Considering my Taco Bell counter has looked abysmal for the past week, I cannot fail at my blogging goal.

Taco Bell Free 2

Every day for the past week I have tried to get that number above zero and every single day I have failed. But tomorrow is another day and I’m hosting taco night at my home. I’m hoping between good friends and almost as good tacos, maybe I can avoid midnight runs to Taco Bell for a week. Hey, I hit a record of 82 days before I collapsed, I can get there again!

So there, I’ve met my blogging goal for another day.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much 

or click the photo below.

New zazzle products

Why apples, why not plums…

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I’m a night owl. Sure, I love a good sleep just like anyone else, but I prefer that sleeping to be done during the day. I’m not sure why I like the night so much, but I think it has a lot to do with television shows without interruptions from a delivery driver, Taco Bell lines that are short, and the blissful hours of reading a book without someone disturbing me about it being “time for dinner.”

The night people get their meals when they feel like it, they don’t need a schedule!

And never forget, the lack of traffic. While one can postulate that there is no traffic due to everything being closed, I beg to differ. Taco Bell is open until 3am. Then they reopen at 6am. That’s only a three-hour window of depression until you can be happy again. The internet is also open. Everything that isn’t at Taco Bell can be delivered to my doorstep, so I don’t really need to worry about them being closed.

Why did I tell you all this?! Well, because I got sidetracked on the night owl tangent and had to let it out or I would physically burst open. My new blog series is going to be called Things That Keep Me Awake At Night. I’ll post on this topic once a week, or once a month, it really depends on how much my brain ponders.

awake-at-night

Do actors who develop Alzheimer’s believe that they actually were the characters they played on the screen?

Take for example, Matt Damon. Will he one day actually believe that he lived on Mars all alone and farmed potatoes? Was he really Captain Blondebeard and the fastest man in space? Did he outsmart every U.S. intelligence official and break a lot of arms while doing it? Will Matt believe he was a mathematical genius who also robbed Las Vegas casinos? (Hey, he needed some spending money I guess.)

And most of all I wonder this, will he ask everyone if they like apples?!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click the photo below.

Heatherisms, sarcasm, and witty sayings
Heatherisms, sarcasm, and witty sayings
by Heather Keet


These are the linkups that I participate in, click an image to check it out!

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Freebie time, because you need my new shirt…

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Well, yesterday turned into a nightmare of a blog post! I had to add two updates just to clarify what I had written. I’ve learned that drinking (nacho cheese) while blogging is not a good mix. That, or my readers are really technologically challenged and therefore none of it is my fault.

You know what? In the interest of preserving your dignity and self-worth, I will take the blame. I was drunk on nacho cheese from Taco Bell and you all are technological geniuses who were thwarted by my confusing links. I promise to always blog before I cheese.

Now on to today! I’ve got nothing. I spent the past 24 hours talking with Zazzle support to find out why my Duck Lips t-shirt shows up on my collections but not on my store product page. For all of you not familiar with the workings on my store, it should be on both pages…and it’s NOT. No one can figure it out and the support techs and I are baffled by the very technology that we embrace.

Here’s where the benefit for my readers comes in. I am giving away a Duck Lips apparel item for FREE! Anyone can win, I’ll be giving you a choice between a women’s shirt, men’s shirt, or a baby/toddler item. But regardless of what you choose, one reader will get a FREE Duck Lips item.

How do you win? Simple, comment on this post with your name and then share this post to either Facebook or Twitter. (The share buttons are on the bottom of this page!) Make sure you tag me in the post so I see it, you can find my social media tags below. (If I haven’t acknowledged your post within a day, you may want to yell at me again since it didn’t pop up to tell me how awesome you are for sharing.)

I will randomly draw a winner on February 5th.

Here’s where it gets even better! You can share me once a day on Twitter and once a day on Facebook for a total of two contest entries per day. AND you can enter again each day. That’s a total of 22 entries in the contest if you share me once on Facebook and once on Twitter every day until February 5!!!

Good luck everyone!


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click the photo below.New Zazzle Products

 

 

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