This is a desperate plea for your help…

25 Thursday May 2017

Posted by in My Poor Friends and Family

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I really hate asking people to do things for me, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Please, please, PLEASE, nominate me for this award! I really, really, REALLY want to win it. I’ve never won a single blogging award and these are a big deal.

Please.

Now, I went ahead a put this button below, just click the photo and you’ll be able to fill in the info. I want to win Reader’s Choice, because everything else is really not suitable for my blog. I am not new, sadly I’ve been blogging for almost 4 years and was hardly noticed by the blogging community before this year. I am not a mom, because those kids never go home and I need a lot of sleep! I am not a food blog (unless a Taco Bell diet now counts) and I’m certainly not a lifestyle blog – because it would be dangerous to have lots of me running around shanking people and slaying tender feelings with sarcasm.

Reader’s Choice it is then!

So please consider taking a few minutes to nominate me, even non-bloggers can do it and I really, really, really, REALLY want to win.

BritMums
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Poll Tuesday week 11…

23 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by in Twitter Poll Tuesday Series

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Another week, another poll on Twitter. Still recovering from the nightmare inducing tie, I’ve decided to ask a very simple question. What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Head on over to Twitter to vote and if you choose option D you are officially dead to me. You must stop reading my blog for the rest of your life.

Just kidding, but you are messed up and may need a tongue transplant.

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

4 simple lines nearly ruined my self-esteem…

22 Monday May 2017

Posted by in Are You Shanking Me?!

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GOOD MORNING!

Sorry, I felt compelled to yell that at you because it’s just about 5am as I write and I haven’t been to bed yet – I’m getting a bit punchy. It’s my big blog link up night so I usually only catch a cat nap from 6am – 11am. I basically party with the Brits all night and call it work. Lola loves Sunday nights because she sleeps with the Daddybeast and then wakes up, eats, and falls right back to sleep with me.

It’s good to be a Lola.

Now, I’m going to make this post short and sweet. I’ve been doing some improvements to the blog and those of you reading from a computer or tablet should see a vast improvement. (Phone people, don’t get offended, you’ve been enjoying all these changes since day one.) I’ve changed fonts, a feat that was easy…until I realized my page was sized for a skinnier font and now everything was garbled. This resulted in a very tiny new font, but I knew it could be perfect with a few tweaks.

I will find them

Two hours later, I learned how to change the CSS to accommodate the new font and the new size for easier reading. If you don’t know what CSS stands for you are already winning at life. I want to punch myself silly because “they” tell me it’s easy to learn but I still don’t believe “them.” I passed fucking calculus but four simple lines of code nearly ruined my self-esteem and caused the downfall of mankind.

So, go and marvel at the wonder that is my new font style and size, it’s never going to change again.

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

Image HTML map generator

Poll Tuesday week 10…

16 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by in Twitter Poll Tuesday Series

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Wow! I made it to week 10 without missing a beat. Last week we had some strange results so I had to appeal to my blog readers to be the tie breaker. You can still vote here on the blog and read the perplexing results that I’m convinced my Twitter followers planned out just to see what would happen to my brain.

Spoiler alert – my brain shorted out and had to reboot.

This week’s poll is all about aging. I vowed this week to never age gracefully, because that is overrated. I turned 34 and while my elbows might be tired, my belly still thinks it is 20. So I plan on going down kicking and screaming about milkshakes and the 1900s until the day it all comes to an end.

Aging

So head on over to Twitter and join in on the voting, the comments should be fun this week!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

I don’t want to age gracefully…

15 Monday May 2017

Posted by in My Poor Friends and Family

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Today I turn 34. Now, some of you may find the prospect of aging to be scary, but I don’t. I find myself eagerly awaiting old age and all its glorious benefits. In case you are depressed about your own aging, here’s a list of a few things I’m looking forward to.

I could say whatever was on my mind and people would chalk it up to my being senile. Think about that for just a moment! I could finally tell people what I think about their haircuts and clothing choices without risk of being throat punched. Because throat punching a crazy old lady is wrong and most people in society realize that.

I could drool on myself as I binge on Netflix. I would just watch and chew, watch and chew, watch and chew. Drool would be on my shirt and I could blissfully ignore it because I was born in the 1900s and who are you to judge me?!

The best perk of aging is definitely going to be the milkshakes. I plan on requesting milkshakes at every meal and when someone tells me to be healthy, I will snap back that I’ve made it this far and give me a damn shake.

It’s going to be so exciting! And to ensure I don’t feel a moment’s hesitation over my new age, I went to Taco Bell at the stroke of midnight and made sure my first older lady meal was the nacho cheesy goodness that always make me happy.

Aging

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

So you’re a perfect parent…

14 Sunday May 2017

Posted by in Are You Shanking Me?!

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Recently I was challenged by another blogger to pick a group of “internet people” to obliterate on my blog. The goal was to offend them to the point that I went viral. I considered for a moment that there are so many groups of people who have it coming to them. The people who use terrible grammar and ridiculous spelling – because words are hard. Or the people who hate animal photos on Facebook. (You are the worst!)

Then I got to thinking about these degenerates and what would happen if I went on a verbal rampage against them and I obviously said no. Not because I’m a good person – I think that shipped sail when I laughed at the little kids falling down in daycare – but because I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of heat.  My social media would get hacked, my blog would crash, and all those skeletons in my closet would spill out.

And it is really hard to shove those skeletons back in!

I decided to put together a few words that convey my thoughts and feelings on those Judgey McJudgersons who can do no wrong on the parenting front. Since this was what made my blogger friend want to rage against the machine, I decided to fight her battle while she cleaned up macaroni and cheese from the floor and wept softly.

To all those parents who are perfect (Yes, yes, yes, I see you are only feeding your kid organic, filtered air and the purest of coconut water – you are indeed amazing and all other parents suck. Please tell me again on Facebook…) I will leave you with these words:

Perfect Parents

I’m not a parent, but feel free to judge my parenting skills all you want. I’m positive you’ll find something to critique, like that time I held my dolly wrong and that’s why I suck as an adult. Or that one time I put a blanket over my Barbie and she died!

Since it is Mother’s Day here in the US, I wanted to leave you with a gentle reminder in case you decide the gifts you receive from your children this year are not good enough and retaliation is in order. (Mostly because I’m 33- until tomorrow- and I don’t think my mother is going to appreciate the macaroni art I did for her this year.)

Got you good, fucker!

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below:

I broke my Twitter followers…

12 Friday May 2017

Posted by in My Poor Friends and Family

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Well, it’s finally happened – I drove my Twitter followers crazy. They spent this week bumping into walls and getting nowhere and it’s all my fault. If this were a human experiment on the effects of psychological stress on the collective psyche, I’d say we’ve reached the point where my polls are doing maximum damage. Not only did I get significantly fewer votes this week, despite the intriguing question posed, but we had a tie. Not just a tie, two ties. You see, there were 4 choices and two of them tied each other and the two remaining also tied each other, just with fewer votes than the winning pair.

Now, I’d like to mobilize my placebo group (that would be you!) and have the poll run here since Twitter gave me such perplexing results. If this poll doesn’t work out I may have to make next week’s poll less brain aneurysm inducing…like asking what your favorite color is and only listing two choices. I don’t know, it might be too late for that.

I’m so sorry, I knew I shouldn’t have unleashed my curious brain on the rest of you but the internet gave me a place to do it. If we’re being fair, I think we can blame this solely on twitter…and cake. Cake made me do it!

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

Poll Tuesday week 9…

09 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by in Twitter Poll Tuesday Series

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It’s Tuesday and the 8th week of my Twitter polling. People are starting to realize that my mind is warped, but as long as they keep voting, I’ll keep asking questions. This week sees us visiting history. You get a once in a lifetime opportunity to meet with an influential person and chat with them. Now, nothing seems odd about that…

Until you realize that the activities being paired with these figures can quickly get complicated.

Head on over to Twitter to see your choices and vote now!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

May movie event…

08 Monday May 2017

Posted by in Movie Nights

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It’s time for another movie event!!! Last month I planned the start time too late for many people to join in, so I’m going to do better this month. Well, I hope it’s better. Frankly, it couldn’t be worse so there’s always that ray of sunshine.

To pick out this month’s movie I posted a poll on Twitter. The choices were a classic 80s movie, a pop icon of the 90s, an action thriller starring a man with a very particular set of skills, and a sob fest that makes us eat, pray, and love – despite our best attempts at drowning in misery.

I’m happy to report we won’t have to cry together while tweeting for two hours this month. Clueless, the pop icon of the 90s, beat out the competition. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was hot on its heels so we may just make that the June movie. Now, mark your calendars and join me for commenting using #SYVMovie.

The movie is available to stream on Netflix UK. Sadly, all my US followers will have to either own it, borrow it, or steal it….from a friend. Please don’t actually go to a store and steal a movie. I’m not loaning you bail money if you do something stupid – I reserve that for myself because until I’m 90 there’s always potential for trouble.

Now, for those of you who are new to this whole movie/tweeting/commenting game, I’ve posted some instructions below the picture. See you all there!

May movie night

Follow me on Twitter or Facebook. I’ve included links to my profiles, click on them and make sure you’re with me! I will do two viewings of the movie each month so that my UK followers and my US followers can both participate.

Show up at the time and date I’ve listed. By show up I don’t mean jump in an airplane and come to my home, you just have to navigate to a television and have your Twitter or Facebook with you. I repeat, stay at your home!

Have a copy of the movie. No, I cannot provide you with a free copy, that’s illegal and I’m already risking an arrest when I go on late night Taco Bell runs. You should also have snacks and a beverage of your choice.

Use #SYVMovie and comment along with me! We’ll all have some fun watching terrible and/or awesome movies featuring people who make a lot more money than us. And we get to do it in our pajamas. What a win!

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below:

Poll Tuesday week 8…

02 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by in Twitter Poll Tuesday Series

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In honor of my brain coming up with Heatherism #34 this week, I’ve created a Twitter poll so everyone can provide their input on this very important topic. I’m not saying your input will change anything, and it most certainly won’t change my Heatherism which is perfect as is, but at least you felt needed for the tiniest moment before you finished this sentence, right?!

So head on over to Twitter and let me know you thoughts in the poll!

Twitter Poll Tuesday

And just in case you missed it yesterday, here’s Heatherism #34 in all its glory.

Heatherism 34

Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather 

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much  or click to see a special collection below: