I opened my email and found the universe knocking at my door with some advice. I received a pizza coupon and a weight loss coupon within seconds of one another. I need to scarf down a pizza and then rid myself of the muffin top it will inevitably give me. Which is a lot nicer…
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I was awake for hours…
Lola told me a joke last night. I was sleeping in bed and I felt a furry little face with pointy teeth right next to me. Right.next.to.me. I decided to play along and woke up enough to ask Lola what’s up. She said to me, “It’s night-time and I’m not tired.” And then she proceeded…
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I cashed out before any old ladies hit me with their purse…
This weekend I went to a local casino with some friends. The place had tons of new machines and I walked around in a neon daze while music from all the machines assaulted my ears. And then I spotted it, the mecca of slot machines – The Wizard of Oz penny machine. No one was…
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The people of Earth have been warned…
Lola woke up this morning with hatred, discontent and vengeance rolling though her veins. As I got Lola out of bed I started to hear the menacing music from Star Wars and realized that this is how Darth Vader probably felt right before he crossed to the dark side. Lola was halfway down the hall…
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Lola’s going for the kill…
“Okay, what’s the best way to conquer this ball? I could do a frontal attack with a 75% success rate. The hail mary might be the way to go here though. I have no idea what a hail mary is, but I assume it means the gods of war will help me out so I…
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Lola is having hallucinations…
Because the alternative to that is just too horrifying to contemplate. If it’s not hallucinations, it must be ghosts and I am not cool with ghosts hanging out in my bedroom. I love watching Ghost Hunters, but I’ll be damned if they’re in my home. Every night when we go to bed, Lola has this…
Read MoreDamn you peer pressure…
About a year ago, I was peer pressured into reading the 50 Shades of Grey series. I had held out because I loathe people telling me “you’ll love it” and then I hate it and I begin to question how we are friends. I finally read it because everyone was talking about it and I kept…
Read MoreThat joke eluded me for years…
There’s one joke on The Big Bang Theory that I never, ever got. I have watched the episode at least 25 times and it never made any sense to me. Sheldon says to Penny in a Valentine’s Day episode ‘at least I got you to say Valentine.’ I was stumped. Jason was stumped. I polled…
Read MoreThigh gap is out of control…
Today I saw a dude with thigh gap. Thigh. Gap. I almost got caught staring at the guy but I was able to snap my jaw closed and avert my eyes in time. I was half tempted to put one of my boxes on White Castle frozen cheeseburgers into his cart but I thought he…
Read MoreStep away from the social media…
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. People put way, way too much personal stuff up on social media. Today was quite the doozy for me. I learned one person has no sexual interest in their spouse. Another friend has a leaky ass. And a third person itches in places she shouldn’t. Why the fuck do they think we…
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Shank You Very Much 