Today I saw a dude with thigh gap. Thigh. Gap. I almost got caught staring at the guy but I was able to snap my jaw closed and avert my eyes in time. I was half tempted to put one of my boxes on White Castle frozen cheeseburgers into his cart but I thought he…
Read MoreStep away from the social media…
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. People put way, way too much personal stuff up on social media. Today was quite the doozy for me. I learned one person has no sexual interest in their spouse. Another friend has a leaky ass. And a third person itches in places she shouldn’t. Why the fuck do they think we…
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Even my marinara sauce is sad…
There’s a small possibility that I am wandering around my world with pneumonia or bronchitis. I’ve been feeling pretty beat for a few weeks but on Sunday, the coughing really started to get fun. Now with every breath I take in I am fearful that a rib bruising round of coughing will follow. I’m sucking…
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Rewrite a movie in 5 words…
Twitter likes to play games and I stumbled upon one this week that was a hoot. A hoot and a half once I got done adding to it. The object of the game is written in hashtag, this one happened to be #ReWriteAFilmIn5Words. Do you get the point of the game? Okay, then let’s do…
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These cowlicks are going to be taught a lesson….
I made the bad decision to take a night shower and woke up with the worst hair in the country. One side of my hair was fluffy and free-flowing, loving life in the fast lane. The other side was flat and depressed, praying for some Zoloft. And then we get to the back. The cowlicks.…
Read MoreWe need new movie plots…
So this weekend I watched The Boy Next Door in theaters. It was garbage. And I mean complete garbage. My friend took two phone calls during the movie and I tried not to bludgeon myself to death by making fun of the plot the whole time. Out loud. In a theater with other people. The…
Read MoreWhen adults get cranky…
So a lady goes to work one morning and when she returns home, her house has been bulldozed. By her husband. And everything was still inside. He’s in jail and she’s homeless. Hopefully crafting something from the rubble to shank her husband with. This is why quality childcare is so important!!! This shows what happens…
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I am Darth Vader….
On Friday I was awakened at 0300 with a throat on fire and a burning in my soul that no water could quench. Fevers can really be the worst. I had to cancel daycare for the day and the Littles had to stay home with their beloved parents, back up care was non-existent. Once you…
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This marks my 300th post…
Good god almighty! Are you people still with me?!?!?! In honor of this auspicious occasion, let’s all enjoy a Twinkie. Or a chocolate covered Twinkie. Or a chocolate and bacon covered Twinkie. Or any other Twinkie variation you concoct. Now that I’m thinking on it though, if I have 11,800 viewers and they all eat…
Read MoreSparky strikes again…
Remember how a few months back I electrocuted myself by unplugging my computer and earned the nickname Sparky, thanks to the Hubster and his quick wit? Today I was hanging out at the stove, cooking some lunch, and I decided I needed more light. I reach up to the above stove switch and flip it,…
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Shank You Very Much 