About a year ago, I was peer pressured into reading the 50 Shades of Grey series. I had held out because I loathe people telling me “you’ll love it” and then I hate it and I begin to question how we are friends. But I finally read it because everyone was talking about it and I kept missing all these inside jokes on blogs I read. In the interest of not looking like a moron, I decided to just read them.
And they were terrible! Sweet mother of God, they pissed me off as bad as that Bella did in Twilight. Weep, weep, weep, victim, victim, victim, whine, whine, whine. Shut up already before I shank your face into silence! I vowed to not watch the 50 Shades series to avoid being banned from the theater for screaming at the screen.
Yesterday I watched 50 Shades of Grey. Screw you peer pressure, and thank you internet community for all the inside jokes I didn’t get at all!
I sat down in the 21 and older theater and regretted not ordering some alcohol from the bar. I hoped the Icee would put me in a sugar haze so I could ignore the whining of a little girl who can’t do anything but let a man tell her what to do.
Then I was pleasantly surprised by the movie. It’s almost like the director and actors hated Ana’s personality as much as I did and they just changed it. I mean, she led Christian on a merry little dance and basically he became the whining, desperate, dork face.
The icing on the cake was Dakota Johnson, who played Ana. The actress had emotions. Real emotions. I was so happy I almost cried. I had no idea until that moment how scarred I was by Dead Eyes Stewart. A girl I had previously loved in Panic Room.
Thank you director. Was it the best thing I’ve ever seen? No. Did you take the dumbest, cringe inducing, serious lines from the book and use them as humor to your advantage? Yes. For that alone, you deserve some sort of award from your peers. Frankly, without you, we could have been staring at another series featuring a dead eyed actress and a guy deciding what is best for the girl and I would have run screaming from the theater.
To celebrate my not screaming out loud in the theater and embarrassing my friend, I’m going to gift myself with some new books on my Kindle.