Lola is such a drama queen. Last night I started packing up Christmas, not because I necessarily wanted to, but because I knew if it stayed out much longer I would be trying to dust tiny baby Jesus and would most likely break the little guy. And since he tried to murder Lola earlier this…
Read More126. That was the number that redefined my life. One-hundred motherfucking twenty-six. The moment I managed to hack into encrypted data in my Apple accounts. Data I was told was unrecoverable by Apple after a two-hour support call. I find this story is best told in George Costanza’s voice, so channel him as you read…
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For really early group text messages. And I mean early. My clock still showed 5 as the first number. And I didn’t recognize anyone who was sending me the messages. I tried muting the conversation but it failed and I kept getting alerts. After the fifth person chimed in with the exact same response I may…
Read MoreYou know what they should call appointments for your car? The ‘sit and wait for hours so we can leave your car in the parking lot while we work on the other 100 cars we gave that appointment to’ club. Even though there are only 6 mechanics on duty. Someone should be shanked. As soon as…
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I am currently on vacation from my home daycare. I packed the Tiny Little up and sent her across the country, just to make sure her teething didn’t keep me awake at night. I sent the Big Little to another provider with a detailed listing of his likes and dislikes. Pooping and eating pretty much…
Read MoreToday is one of those days where I want to peel my face off and go do something productive as someone else. Anyone else feeling that way?! No? Okay. Awkward silence. Today I have dealt with the most inept people, incapable of seeing logic and fulfilling a simple request. I wish everyone was Amazon. Amazon…
Read MoreLast night I was finishing up the last of my Christmas newsletters when I began to sweat. As I lifted an envelope to my mouth, I realized I was probably licking toxic glue. I ignored my paranoid side and kept sealing envelopes. Ten minutes later, I was still sweating. Paranoia won out and I went…
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Today has been a hell of a Monday. The Littles are losing their minds in daycare and I am trying to get Christmas stuff done while they nap. It is not working. I went to my back up plan. Screw Christmas. You’ll get your presents and newsletters when they show up. I’m going to eat…
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Poor, tiny, baby Jesus sleeping in his manger. I bet he never saw it coming. That giant, wet, bulldog mouth with a tongue the size of a dinner plate… Lola was sniffing the new Christmas decorations and when she was done I noticed that baby Jesus was missing from his mother’s embrace. I walked over…
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It’s that time of year again. December. The time of the year where people start dropping dead from exhaustion and overeating. Also the time of the year when an above average amount people fall off their roofs and electrocute themselves. I was this close to being one of those fools for the first time in my…
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Shank You Very Much 