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Yesterday I wrote a blog about buying boxed foods from the UK that were made by American companies but had far fewer unpronounceable words in the ingredient list than their American counterpart. I was going to order from Amazon UK and I was swimming along fairly well. And then I hit a roadblock.

You can’t have groceries delivered outside of the UK. Even if it is just a boxed meal that won’t spoil. I have a few theories on why this may be so.

One, the US companies don’t want us to know how inferior our version of the product is and demand we get the same thing.

Two, the American companies are actually owned by British people who are secretly poisoning American citizens with these unidentifiable ingredients that are banned in the UK. (Hey, countries say they are friends all the time…what if they are lying?!?!) Be on guard people.

Three, and I think this is the most plausible explanation, the UK is stopping the US people from stockpiling all of the world’s groceries for the coming zombie apocalypse.

Now stop laughing and hear me out.

The US already owns all the good guns – our citizens are definitely at an advantage in that area. Those poor British people are going to be using croquet mallets to keep the zombies at bay. As if a mallet is any match for a zombie… Face it, if we have guns and groceries, those zombies have no chance.

America for the win.

I’d like to take this moment to say I’m sorry to any British people who live in America and have no friends or family back home to send them special treats. It must be rough to know that if not for the zombies, you could easily set up an automatic shipment of your favorite biscuits and crisps.

I’d also like to point out to those of you Brits who do have someone to mail them treats here in the US, now would be a good time to start having your loved ones send you some groceries…hedge your bets that the apocalypse happens while you’re on our land.

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