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I have terrorized the Fed Ex man so badly that all employees who deliver to my home are in fear for their lives.

It all started in 2012 when we moved to WA and I opened my infant home daycare. Everyone who knows an infant, knows that nap times are sacred events that must be honored by the adult actually shutting the fuck up enough so the baby may sleep. While my home is never completely silent, we do have certain sounds guaranteed to cause pandemonium for a sleeping baby.

Like the doorbell.

And guess who likes to deliver all their packages right in the middle of nap time?! Yep, those Fed Ex bastards. I posted a large sign with large font on my front door that says no ringing of the doorbell or loud knocking. Just drop it and leave. I mean, if that doorbell rings or Lola catches a shadow of the guy out of a curtained window, she’s going to make a hell of a racket.

The post office lady is amazing and obliges me.

Nope, not the Fed Ex guy. He drops it and rings the doorbell and then strolls off. Obviously, he doesn’t need my signature, he just walks away. So the third time this happened within two weeks, I lost my mind.

I ripped my front door open and spot the guy halfway back to his truck. I scream out “HEY!!! Do you know how to read?!?!!!!!!” And I point directly at the sign. The guy takes one look at my enraged face and runs, runs back to his truck.

He never rang that doorbell again.

This week we have a substitute driver and I learned this fact by the break in our package delivery routine. The new driver parked on the main road instead of pulling into my street, to which I paid no attention since I thought it must be a delivery for someone else. But he apparently snuck through my side yard, avoided all windows, and left the package on the side of the front door where he wouldn’t risk making the Lola bark like a maniac.

Had it not been for Amazon tracking telling me it had been delivered, I would have never known to go check around the corner on my porch.

That Fed Ex guy is a goddamn ninja!! He deserves a medal. His big truck didn’t alert Lola to bark, he avoided every window in the house and stealthily left that package in a secure location where no one would steal it.

All without waking the Littles.

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