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I love dinosaurs. Who doesn’t? They are cool to think about, running all over the earth. I mean, cool because it’s not actually happening. Let’s face it- I don’t have a gun to bring down a T-Rex so I sure as hell don’t want a live one running around on the planet. But let’s switch the topic to the dinosaurs who still exist and scare me shitless.

Dinosaurs of the ocean, to be exact.

I was born and raised in Hawai’i so obviously I have a healthy fear of sharks coming up to eat my ass. It started after boogie boarding with some friends and getting stuck while a hammerhead mommy and her baby were swimming around underneath me. I know, what’s so scary about a hammerhead you ask?!? Well, it’s got teeth and I didn’t want to find out how sharp they were. I was unfortunate enough to see the movie Jaws with a much older friend, and in my pea-sized child’s brain that hammerhead became a great white.

So there I am, scoping out the new Jurassic Park trailer (again!) and I realized I must not have seen the full one before. Either that or I missed the two second part that made me shrivel up and die on the inside. The Mosasaurus comes out of the water and eats the Great White Shark that is dwarfed in comparison.

What.the.fuck. I can’t, I just can’t. Even bathtubs are no longer safe. Sinks look scary now. Why? WHY, for god’s sake? Stupid movie producer. He’s an asshole. And he better not use the Jaws music or anything like it. I can’t handle that.

Now, in Jurassic Park 3 there was a dinosaur in the water- but he was a land dinosaur that was just standing and wading in a shallow river. Shallow compared to his height, that is. He never bothered me because I figured if he could swim all that well, he would have already migrated to other places to wreak his havoc. The fact that he stayed on the tiny, tiny island he was born on proved he couldn’t swim.

But this- this is a whole new ball game. I am terrified and excited all at once. A giant dinosaur shark that could eat Jaws…

I’m going to go watch Jaws tonight to say goodbye to the frightening asshole of my childhood so that I can prepare to welcome the frightening asshole of my future.


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