The zombie apocalypse. For years we have joked about it. People have written books and movies about it. Heck, a small minority of the population even planned for it with a furor that made the rest of society a little uncomfortable. Mocked and ridiculed, this small group of people have been vindicated – they’re currently sitting in their fortresses, eating pasta and using vast quantities of toilet paper without a second thought.

Meanwhile, the rest of society finds itself unprepared for the rigors of doing absolutely nothing but sitting on a couch.

I’ve been unintentionally training for a zombie apocalypse lifestyle for years. I rarely leave home, order my groceries online, and I never open the windows for fear the sunshine will ruin the cave-like ambiance I worked so hard to achieve. Unfortunately, you do not have the luxury of time to learn to survive isolation while also retaining your sanity, so I will be your guide.

Grab a name tag and join the isolation party, which isn’t an actual party since those are currently banned by the government.

Day 1 – Woohoo! I have the day off work to sit at home on my couch in my pajamas.

Day 2 – Family time! We can play Monopoly and have lunch together.

Day 3 – Netflix! There is so much to watch. Oh goody, they added a new series about tigers and kings.

Day 4 – I love this kitchen! I never have enough time to make big meals after work.

Day 5 – Social media is great! These memes are hysterical.

Slowly, but very surely, the excitement starts to wane.

Day 11 – I hate this house. This house is a prison on planet Bullshit. Why do none of my pajamas have pockets for snacks?!

Day 12 – My family is so annoying. I love them, but I may need to kill them. Why won’t they shut up for two minutes?!

Day 13 – I’ve watched everything on Netflix. Everything. I didn’t think it possible and yet, here we are. Why didn’t I pay for a second streaming service?!

Day 14 – I am never going to cook again. If even one person says they are hungry, I may light the place on fire. Why does sitting at home make me so hungry?!

Day 15 – I hate everyone. I have to get out of here.

Then the descent into madness truly begins.

Day 21 – I’m going to build a miniature city out of LEGO. The people who inhabit the city will be m&m’s. Someone hand me the drill and some toothpicks!

Hubster actually handed me a drill, then stood back to watch as I began stuffing toothpicks into tiny candy pieces.

I will tell you this, in case you didn’t already know – the candy shell of an m&m is very thick. One might assume that you could pierce it easily with a sharp toothpick, but that is not possible. I found this out just before I had to bandage the thumb that had a bloody hole in it.

I just realized I might not actually have much sanity left.

You should find another guide and save yourself.

4 replies on “The doomsday preppers were right…

  1. Hahahaha!! It’s so true! We don’t have kids, and we really like each other…that said we are getting on each other’s last nerve! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and giving me a real belly laugh!!

    Liked by 1 person

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