I’ve indulged in a new candy – sour Skittles. They were delicious!  I do, however, think they should come with a warning label on the back.

This will burn your tongue off.

Your tongue will be numb for days.

Your tongue will be so traumatized that it will hurt for days and you will have a slight lisp due to the swelling as it tries to heal.

Frankly, any message of warning would have been greatly appreciated.

Skittles did not give me that warning.

Obviously, they’re trying to weed out the stupid people who should not walk this Earth from the ones who are capable of carrying on the human race. Sadly, I am not sure which side I fell on – so let me tell you how these candies work and you tell me which side I fell on.

Unlike the soft Sour Patch Kids, these are rock hard Skittles covered in a delicious amount of sour powder. It’s coarse, not a fine powder, so it really rubs on your tongue. Then, once you rub your tongue raw with the coarse powder, you have to actually chew the candy. As the hard coating breaks apart, the tiny fragments sear into the gaping wounds that your tongue has become. It becomes more and more painful as you eat.

Then the coughing begins.

The sour coating begins to sear your throat by about candy number five, so you start guzzling drinks to help it. Of course, I had soda and the carbonation really hurt my chances of survival. I recommend drinking honey straight from the bottle to help you finish the bag of candy.

I clearly knew all of this was happening as I was eating the candy. I’m not ignorant, which leads me to believe that I am not part of the stupid people who needs weeding out group. But, how stupid must I be to keep eating these candies?!? And then lick the bag of sour powder at the end?!?!

In my defense, I am a fat kid and these things are delicious. I’m getting another bag as soon as my tongue is whole again.

It’s been four days, I’m not very hopeful.

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2 replies on “I’m wounded, send in Superman…

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