Dear Lola,

Why is it that every single time my head hits the pillow at night, my brain races into overdrive with thoughts? All the advice I can find on the internet tells me to make lists before getting ready for bed so I won’t do it mentally. This advice doesn’t help because my thoughts are not focused on practical matters. Instead, one of my favorite brain activities is to wonder what the world would be like if only one historic moment had played out differently. My brain’s second favorite activity is to wonder which two animals could be combined to make an interesting new animal. Any thoughts on how I can end this cycle of mental brain games when it’s time to sleep?


Galloping Grey Matter

Dear Galloping Grey Matter,

I usually feel empathy for the people who write in for my help, but I must admit I cannot do that in this case. Being a canine, I was gifted upon birth with the magical power of being able to sleep in any situation, at any given time. Even during the most tense moments of a canine’s life, we are able to catch a quick snooze in order to restore our ability to fight off any baddies who come upon us.

The best I can drum up is a bucketful of sympathy for your plight.

It sounds to me like your brain may not be getting enough of a creative workout during the day and it isn’t too happy about the situation. In response, your brain has decided to attack when you are at your weakest and most vulnerable. Thus, you find yourself a reluctant passenger on the express train to a fantasy world of your own making.

This scenario sounds like one of the nine circles of hell with you in the role of Dante.

I think the rather obvious solution is to devote some time during the daylight hours to work on writing a novel. It seems your brain loves a wild dystopian future and so do millions of readers. If a novel doesn’t interest you, try a screenplay – Netflix will buy that up in a heartbeat! If you find that writing a novel is not to your taste, drawing the scenarios your brain conjures up could satisfy your brain’s need to flex its creative muscles. If you’re just not that into drawing, you could give epic poetry a shot.

It’s been over 200 years since the last runaway hit!

You could be the next Homer, taking your readers on a fantastical odyssey that will be read by humans for centuries. Centuries! Your readership would be in the billions and maybe even the trillions before it drops into obscurity. All because your brain liked to think more than it liked to sleep. However, there is one caveat that I feel I should mention before you get too committed to this plan.

One typically has to die a tragic death in order to achieve this sort of writer immortality.

Now I’m going to turn my attention to your brain’s other favorite hobby – creating a new species of animal. This is a very dangerous line of thinking and I’d like to ask you to stop now. For the sake of the entire world. When coupled with your brain’s propensity for dystopian societies, this can only result in something tragic being unleashed upon the world with humans unable to save themselves.

We’ve all seen Jurassic Park…


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