Dear Lola,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about six months and everything seems to be going great. However, she has one extremely annoying trait – she always calls to find out what I am wearing when we go out together so she can plan an outfit to coordinate with it. Not only is it annoying to be out in public in matching colors all the time, but she needs hours of notice while I like to pick out clothing just before getting dressed. I brought up how much it annoys me but she insists she just wants us to look nice in our photos. What should I do?


Costumed Companion

Dear Costumed Companion,

I thought I had it bad when my Mommybeast brought home a cow costume and shoved my adorably chubby body into it, in a futile attempt to get the perfect Instagram photo. I was born Instagram ready. You, sir, have shown me that the torture I endured could have been a whole lot worse. And to be fair, my Mommybeast bought me a dinosaur costume to make up for it and now I get to run around roaring at innocent humans who dare walk too close to me.

How do you feel about wearing a triceratops costume on your next date night?

The worst case result of this experiment would be shocking your girlfriend into silence. The best case scenario would be to have her wholeheartedly jump on board with your plan and get into a dinosaur costume of her own. Then you could enjoy a night on the town in your dinosaur costumes and likely have hundreds of strangers ask to take a picture with you.

You may even get free food and beverages at the local pub!

In the event that your girlfriend skips over the worst case scenario and heads straight for the End of the World option, you should have an exit strategy in place. This end of world option will be easily identified by a low and steady hum that gathers strength rather quickly.

The hum is your cue to flee for your life.

What follows will be a full-blown female tantrum that makes every other female in the immediate vicinity leap to her side in a show of solidarity. Your dinosaur costume will make you an exceedingly easy target so you’ll need to move as quickly as possible. Also, be sure to avoid taking shelter with any other males in the vicinity. This tactic will result in your being handed over by your brethren as they attempt to save their own lives.

It’s a shocking betrayal that has played out over centuries.

All joking aside, it seems like you may need to actually address the issue a bit more forcefully. You say that you’ve told her this bothers you. Say it again. If that doesn’t work, begin ignoring her pre-date clothing calls. Simply show up at the time and place specified and see how she reacts. This will tell you everything you need to know about a future with this woman.

Does she want a partner or a prop for her social media pages?


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