Dear Lola – Shopper turns aggressive when asked to social distance…

Dear Lola,

The covid lockdown has lifted in the area where I live, and all citizens are being encouraged to follow the new etiquette rules for health and safety. I ventured out to do some clothes shopping and another customer repeatedly got too close to me. I had on a mask, but she did not. Despite my politely asking her to back up, she continued to hover within arm’s length. I repeated my plea for her to step back and she became agitated. I finally asked a manager for help and the lady became aggressive, claiming I was being abusive and the workers had no right to ask her to leave. I should note they didn’t ask her to leave until she refused to comply with the store’s new policy of one shopper per six feet. What could I have done differently in this situation to keep it from becoming a shouting match?

Sincerely,
Shocked Shopper

Dear Shocked Shopper,

I knew it was only a matter of time before the humans were in need of my guidance in this area. Etiquette has existed for thousands of years and yet every day I receive a call for help from those who are slightly befuddled on how to navigate society. A society they have long been members of, judging by the fact that they can spell words containing more than one syllable.

Humans are adept at many things – rapid changes in societal norms are not one of them.

Unfortunately, I sense this problem is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Humans have been caged up in their homes for months and many of them are eager to get back out into the world. Most will comply with the new rules for not killing their fellow citizen by breathing directly on them, but there will be a few who just cannot seem to get their act together.

Ironic, considering my species cannot enter most establishments for ‘health and safety’ reasons.

I think you handled the situation with the obnoxious shopper very well. You politely asked the shopper to give you space and then sought out help when she would not comply. You should be mindful of how long you are standing in a space. Choose what you need and step aside for the next person – you can always return to the area after allowing others a turn.

However, shit humans may require a tactile reminder of how to behave.

Wear a child’s hula hoop around your waste, using suspenders to hold it up by your shoulders. Should anyone touch your hula hoop, you merely shove* them in the stomach with it.

Carry around a can of silly spray and use it to temporarily blind** aggressive shoppers. This will give you enough time to run away and also provide the workers of the establishment with a story to tell for the rest of their lives.

If that fails, revert back to the ways of the early Homo Sapiens.

Hoist a six-foot-long spear*** wherever you go. Instead of walking upright, crouch down low and move slowly – giving the appearance you are stalking a saber-toothed tiger for dinner.

Fellow shoppers will happily give you the entire store to yourself.

♥Lola♥

*Do not shove other people, you will end up paying their medical bills.
**Do not blind someone, I hear the food in prison is not seasoned very well.
***Where did you find a spear?! I bet it was Amazon. Put the spear down, I was being facetious!

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