What not to say at a funeral…

Every funny person knows that there is a time and a place for humor. Onstage at a comedy club, good time. Waiting for the police after a home invasion, bad time. Out with friends on a Saturday night, good time. Sitting at the funeral of a loved one, bad time. Unless you know the crowd very, and I mean very, well – it could lead to an utter shit show.

You may end up in a casket of your own!

So, I’ve put together a handy list of things that you should not say when you are at a funeral. You shouldn’t even think about them because you may inadvertently chuckle and then someone will ask you why you are chuckling at a funeral and then you’ll have to quickly come up with a little anecdote about a time the deceased was amusing. It’s hard to think that quickly while you’re laughing over your last joke.

I’ve got the shovel, I’ll meet you in the backyard.

Unless the funeral is for a gardener, that statement is not going to go over very well. You know what? Even if it’s a gardener, let someone else say it. Then you know who to take out to the bar that night for a good laugh.

Why did                 cross the road? She didn’t…

I’ll admit it, I cracked up when I thought of this one. So obviously you absolutely cannot say it at a funeral. Especially not at your grandma’s winter funeral. We get it, the reindeer ran her over – now your relatives are going to disown you. (I’ll meet you at the bar!)

Anyone know when his Last Will is going to be read?

Funny guy. I bet you get a lot of laughs at the chuckle hut! You should run there right now because I can see the angry mob lighting their torches on fire and heading your way. We’ll have chicken wings waiting for you and we promise to laugh at all your jokes since we didn’t know the deceased.

I told her the poison was undetectable.

Congratulations. You’ve just joked your way into a murder investigation. Let me know how your prison pajamas fit, maybe I can smuggle you some socks for warmth.