First off, let me just say that you are a genius! I look forward to your column each week and I nod along with all of your ideas – especially the ones requiring subtle warfare against the other humans. Today I fear I will begin a campaign against my own fur baby – a very fat cat. How can I get my overweight kitty to drink pink milk, when all she’s ever had is the delicious fatty milk that is white?
The Claws Are Out
Dear The Claws Are Out,
You have my deepest sympathy, what you are about to experience will be worse than a trip to Florida in the summertime. The humidity, my god the humidity! Your cat is going to loathe you, there’s no getting around that fact. And due to the nature of the feline species, nothing you can do will prevent the injuries you will receive at the paws of an enraged cat.
Get your bandages ready to stop the bleeding.
I would like to offer you a ray of hope, since I myself was put on a strict diet when I was just a baby bulldog and had to command my humans to please me… or else. Offer an abundance of toys to your cat overlord and hope that is enough to appease the mighty beast. Sticks with string, tiny plastic mice that rattle, a few baggies of catnip – they will be your only hope.
I would also like to take this moment to commend you on your utter devotion to your cat’s health and well-being. It takes a very strong fur parent to stare into the adorable eyes of a pet and tell them they can’t have a snack.
Meanwhile we have to watch you eat cake while watching Netflix!
You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Humans suck! Put us on a diet because we have no thumbs to see to our own meals. Meanwhile you’re snacking it up like every day is the last. I want compensation for my pain! Where is the Mommybeast?! She’s going to regret this treatment, I’m done with the diet food. I’m going to leave one last message to the cat who is about to be traumatized ‘for her own good.’
Make sure the humans feel the need to sleep with one eye open.
I’m going to go charge some toys to the Amazon account before my bedtime – it’s the least these humans can do after all my trauma.
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