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Dear Lola,

Why do people push harder when the batteries in the remote control die? Why not save yourself the agony of two weeks of rage and frustration every time the buttons don’t respond, and just get up to put batteries in the remote control? I am beyond baffled that my husband and teenagers never seem to learn and spend so much time in a state of frustration.

Battery Betty

Dear Lola

Dear Battery Betty,

I am intimately familiar with your trauma due to my Daddybeast’s inability to replace his remote control batteries once they die. He will get into bed each night and then become irate that his remote isn’t instantly responding to his commands.

Mommybeast will not change the batteries because she enjoys making him squirm.

I am sensing you have a lot in common with my Mommybeast or you would just change the batteries and never write in to me for help. Fear not, I know why humans are so silly about their remote controls! Hopefully my insight will allow you to find the humor in the situation – just be cautious about voicing your mirth aloud.

The remote control user is liable to scream obscenities.

Humans are lazy when it comes to television. The moment their butt hits the cushion, they are no longer capable of standing up for the next 15 minutes. That is a brutal wait when the remote control won’t listen! No one ever thinks to grab batteries before their butt touches down, they’ve forgotten that the remote control is in a state of disrepair because it’s been so many hours since the last viewing. Instead, the user spends precious minutes just pushing the power button as hard as they can, hoping it will listen. When that fails to work, the user will then remove the dead batteries from the remote and try to put them back in a different order.

One battery must be weaker than the others and needs to be surrounded.

This solution usually allows the user to get the television to turn on, but they are left unable to get another button to work. If the show is something they want to watch, the user can happily sit there for the rest of the evening, never thinking about the battery issue. Until the next evening after a long day of work. However, if the television station is garbage or the volume too low, the user will then wait the requisite 15 minutes for their leg muscles to cooperate before fetching the batteries.

Of course all bets are off if they hear the word dinner during that wait. This starts the cycle all over again once dinner is over and the user returns to the couch. Food has wiped their memory clear of the battery problem until after their butt touches down again.


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