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Dear Lola,

My child is driving me absolutely insane. We are attempting to potty train him, but the amount of puddles I am finding on the floor is beginning to make me doubt my worth as a parent. He is my first-born so I have never tackled this problem before. Can you give me any tips on how to move this process along faster? Please keep in mind this is a human child, not a puppy. (Though at this point we will take any help we can get!)

Piddler on the Roof

Dear Lola

Dear Piddler on the Roof,

Miniature humans and potty training. Never have words so traumatized a first time parent. I would like you to do one very important thing before we begin. Take a very deep breath. Now hold it – the urge to scream out loud is not going to get better! Unlike the canine species, Miniature Humans seem to find it difficult to go potty where they are instructed to do so. Therefore, you must employ downright trickery in order to achieve your goals.

Prepare for the battle of your life!

First, ready the throne for your Miniature Human’s tushy. The porcelain can be quite cold to such a delicate being, you should consider a toilet seat that warms before you sit on it. Let’s face it, humans had no chance of easy toilet training the moment the baby wipe warmer was invented. So invest in a quality toilet seat that will welcome a delicate bum.

Second, use food as a reward. Everyone loves food. I’ve heard great success stories involving tiny candies to lure the Miniature Human to the restroom. Line them up throughout the house and he will toddle after you until he gets to the end of the candy trail. This allows you to trap the Miniature Human inside the bathroom with you so you can deploy step three.

Step three: Begging and Pleading

This is what is boils down to. The Miniature Human’s willpower is a force to reckon with. He’s worn you down for two years through sleep deprivation and a cannot-do attitude. You will not win. Lean back against the door and take a nap – with any luck your little Piddler will use the toilet and you can resume the cycle again in two hours.

Have you considered a dog for your second child?


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