Dear Lola,

My child is driving me absolutely insane. We are attempting to potty train him, but the amount of puddles I am finding on the floor is beginning to make me doubt my worth as a parent. He is my first-born so I have never tackled this problem before. Can you give me any tips on how to move this process along faster? Please keep in mind this is a human child, not a puppy. (Though at this point we will take any help we can get!)

Piddler on the Roof

Dear Lola

Dear Piddler on the Roof,

Miniature humans and potty training. Never have words so traumatized a first time parent. I would like you to do one very important thing before we begin. Take a very deep breath. Now hold it – the urge to scream out loud is not going to get better! Unlike the canine species, Miniature Humans seem to find it difficult to go potty where they are instructed to do so. Therefore, you must employ downright trickery in order to achieve your goals.

Prepare for the battle of your life!

First, ready the throne for your Miniature Human’s tushy. The porcelain can be quite cold to such a delicate being, you should consider a toilet seat that warms before you sit on it. Let’s face it, humans had no chance of easy toilet training the moment the baby wipe warmer was invented. So invest in a quality toilet seat that will welcome a delicate bum.

Second, use food as a reward. Everyone loves food. I’ve heard great success stories involving tiny candies to lure the Miniature Human to the restroom. Line them up throughout the house and he will toddle after you until he gets to the end of the candy trail. This allows you to trap the Miniature Human inside the bathroom with you so you can deploy step three.

Step three: Begging and Pleading

This is what is boils down to. The Miniature Human’s willpower is a force to reckon with. He’s worn you down for two years through sleep deprivation and a cannot-do attitude. You will not win. Lean back against the door and take a nap – with any luck your little Piddler will use the toilet and you can resume the cycle again in two hours.

Have you considered a dog for your second child?


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64 replies on “Dear Lola – Piddler on the roof…

  1. Thank you for the giggle, love the post title. I am curious if there will be a follow up on this one. Once number 1’s are sorted I wonder if number 2’s will be a challenge. My eldest had no issues with doing number 1’s in the toilet, but number 2’s she was so fearful and insisted on doing them in a nappy… #DreamTeam

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, I didn’t know that kids fear going number two in a potty. I wonder if they feel like they’re pushing out internal organs that should not be coming out. I wish they were big enough to tell us why they didn’t want to poop in a potty. I’ll ask Lola to consider doing a follow up on this topic, she does seem to have mastered her poop skills.


  2. I’ve completely wiped the experience from my mind … And even if I could remember, if I shared memories my 14 year old would hunt me down. 🙂 This is so funny. I particularly liked the idea of a cannot do attitude!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes. As a father who is at the beginning of the dreaded potty training, that definitely helped… fill me with fear. #DreamTeam

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh gawd, potty training. So far any attempts are met with complete refusals. I’ve heard you can hire people for lots of money to do it for you?! #DreamTeam

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I shall be starting round two of potty training before long…this brought back so many memories and has made me question why I am doing it again??! I miss the walking round carrying a potty the most…! #DreamTeam

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not a travel potty! I remember a friend had to keep one of those in her car because her child would not use another potty when out in public. That has to be a brutal experience.


  6. Today I have cleaned up two errant poos and numerous puddles of piddle so I needed this giggle – thank you Lola! I am going to take your advice and try the trail of candy – sounds ingenious 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  7. How did we ever learn? The thing is we always do. I have wiped the memory of teaching our two from the memory banks, and the endless cleaning of little bums, and the “accidents” and all the rest! You gotta #TriumphantTales

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Some great advice for the human there Lola. I agree a reward system works well but I also like the toilet seat warmer idea. As I had girls who potty trained, it went easier than with my friends who had boys. My girls saw me going to the toilet and they wanted to do the same. Worked well with them wanting to wee but it took much longer for them to do a poop in the toilet. The joys of human motherhood – Lola I guess it’s much easier to train canines. No effort in just lifting a back leg or squatting #dreamteam

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Amazingly insightful this little Doggie! Surely takes after his mummy! 👍
    Yes all joking aside Potty training is the worst. We have two that needed training at the same time! It was great fun! 👌🏽 #DreamTeam

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ha! *Snorts with laughter. The thing is, Lola, that these tips actually work! No really, they do. Prepare the throne and ditch the potty… who wants to widdle on a piece of plastic? Pee means prizes – everyone’s a winner. Pleading that the throne is visited on entering and leaving the house is a given. Fab post Heather! Thanks for bring a brilliant #DreamTeam hostie xx

    Liked by 1 person

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