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Dear Lola,

How come toasters get hot enough to burn? Every morning I put toast into my toaster and, despite my best efforts each day to lower the cook time, I end up with a burnt piece of bread with which to start my day. I just don’t get it, are the people who make toasters secret breakfast haters who are trying to convert the rest of us?

Baffled Breakfast Buff 

Dear Lola

Dear Baffled Breakfast Buff,

Ahhhhh, a fellow breakfast lover. I agree with humans who say it’s the most important meal of the day. Followed closely by dinner because going to bed hungry feels terrible, or so I’ve heard.

In order to properly answer your question, I prepared a six step science experiment for the Mommybeast to perform with my supervision. We used a standard two-slot toaster and 3 types of bread. I had her adjust the knob with the numbers several times, while internally wondering exactly what the purpose of that knob was.

We burned five out of six pieces of toast.

Now I know exactly how toasters work. They heat up to a preset temperature, designated by the toaster scientists. Once they reach this temperature, they cook until the time on the knob runs out. However, instead of using a real timer, 1 means one minute, 2 means two minutes, and so forth, the toaster scientists just randomly selected a time and assigned it to a number. Our toaster boasted a 1.5 minute number one setting. This would lead you to believe that number 2 would also be in an even increment of time, such as two minutes or possibly even 3 minutes if we base it on doubling the number 1 setting. You are wrong to assume that! The number 2 setting was a random 98 seconds. Eight seconds longer than the number 1 setting.

Eight seconds – the only difference between toast and scorched Earth for breakfast.

I wondered why the toaster scientists don’t just turn down the predetermined heat on their invention. Surely using even a third of the heat would produce a nice piece of toast, even if it meant waiting another 20 seconds to eat it. As I was pondering this, I left the Mommybeast alone for a minute while I went potty. Normally I would make her come with me in order to ensure her mischievous antics were not leading her to certain death, but I decided to risk it this once.

When I returned to the kitchen, I found the Mommybeast exactly where I left her. Staring at the toaster in concentration so she would finally get a piece of edible toast. The answer hit me in the face. Toaster scientists are obviously canines who needed to find a way to manage their humans during those stressful morning routines. Instead of chasing our humans around the house and hoping they will get it together to be at work on time, the canine leaves their human guarding a piece of toast. Since that takes all of their concentration, this leaves the canine able to have a decent breakfast bowl and indulge in a back scratch using the living room carpet. Once the canine morning routine is completed in peace and quiet, we are able to direct the silly human whose paycheck we rely on, into work appropriate clothing and a sensible lunch.


This is a note from Lola’s Mommybeast. It has just occurred to me that Lola feels like she is the parent in our relationship. Much like a mother would give an iPad to a screaming child in the morning, I am put in front of a toaster until Lola takes it away and gives me a new task. I would be offended over this thinking, except my species has no other way to explain why toasters get so fucking hot that they burn a slice of toast in 4.2 seconds! It’s basically the surface of the sun in there.

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