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Dear Lola,

Why do Americans call the tiny versions of a candy bar a “fun size” bar? What makes it fun? I don’t understand if it is the small size that makes it fun, or some other attribute we in Scotland have never been able to experience. I know you’re an English Bulldog, but I’m hoping your adopted home of America will lend you some insight into this odd naming of candy.

Not Feeling the Fun in Fife

Dear Lola

Dear Not Feeling the Fun in Fife,

While I have spent many hours pondering the odd workings of human behavior, I have never pondered this curiosity before you posed the question. I’m also very afraid of chocolate because Mommybeast tells me it will kill me, while using her very serious tone that brooks no argument from me. I’ll never stop asking for cheese though, she never gets her serious tone out when I eat that!

Back to the matter at hand though! The name of these tiny candy bars is definitely an oxymoron. While that explains the verbiage, I suspect you want to know why someone would choose an oxymoron when naming a candy.

For that, we must blame the Hominid Wrangler.

(Note from Lola’s Mommybeast: a Hominid Wrangler is the parent of a human child, or as I call them, Miniature Humans.)

The fun size candy bar was named thusly so Miniature Humans are fooled into thinking the small bar is far superior to the “regular” candy bar sitting just next to it on the shelf. Instead of eating a boring candy bar, the Miniature Human will naturally gravitate to the fun candy bar. The Hominid Wrangler gets three benefits from this con artistry.

First, Hominid Wranglers don’t have to tell their Miniature Humans no. Hominid Wranglers can confidently say yes to the tiny candy with all the glee that my Mommybeast displays as she tosses cheese towards my face. During my observations, I’ve noticed that Hominid Wranglers are bound by a clause where they can only use the word no in extreme cases where death may result. It seems counterintuitive to my own species’ technique of teaching. My guess is that humans have not evolved far enough yet. Be patient, your time will come.

Second, Hominid Wranglers get to save a bit of money. Unlike a luxuriously priced regular candy bar, the fun size candy is much more economical. This is a necessity because the Miniature Human will see a balloon later in the day and screech for it until everyone around them wants to poke their ears out just to make the noise stop. Save your ears, buy the fun size candy.

Third, the Hominid Wrangler will not have to contend with a vicious sugar high as a result of the meager sized candy bar. While that initial sugar high seems like a party, the Miniature Human will eventually come crashing down with a bang. Then the Hominid Wrangler is left with a screaming Miniature Human who suddenly forgot how to work their legs, arms, and ears.

This all leaves me wondering if Miniature Humans are worth all the effort one must expend to make sure they turn out properly. Well, that’s a topic for another day!


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