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I read a shocking news article about a lady (we’re calling her Linda) who lit a car on fire in a McDonald’s parking lot. Now, before you blame a poor fast food worker for Linda’s rage, I will mention that the car belonged to her husband (we’re just calling him Husband because Fucking Moron seems slightly harsh). I know there will be people who immediately discount Linda as crazy, but I think you need to understand the subtle nuances at play in this story before drawing conclusions. Linda’s been through a horrible ordeal, one I hope never befalls any of you.

Linda’s husband wouldn’t buy her a McFlurry.

For those of you who have never been to a McDonald’s (wow, where do you live?!) a McFlurry is not just your ordinary milkshake. It is a delicious blend of soft serve ice cream and candy pieces. In succinct terms, it’s nirvana in a cup.

Naturally, Linda did the only thing she could do. She lit her husband’s car on fire to make it clear that snacks are a hard limit in their marriage. Since this was probably not the first time Linda has been bitterly disappointed in Husband, I’ve been contemplating a few likely scenarios that led to this final, fiery outburst.

1) Poor Linda had just fasted for three days in preparation of a medical procedure. A medical procedure that was deemed unnecessary at the last-minute, leaving Linda hangry for days for no reason. Linda was so overcome by Husband’s refusal of a dessert, she lashed out on the only thing he loved more than her. Well, I hope this is the only thing Husband loves more than her because Linda’s shown she can be vicious when necessary.

A comic graphic showing explosions and blasts from the emergence of your spouse's alter ego.
2) Linda was experiencing pregnancy cravings but Husband was like “Hell no, we got a kid coming. We need to be frugal. Order off the $1 menu.” Silly Husband. You never argue with a pregnant person – survival of the fittest should have eliminated this Husband from the gene pool. Linda, so infuriated at Husband’s arguing over the cravings of a fetus, decided to show him what the rest of the pregnancy would be like.

Husband better run fast, run far, and never look back…that’s usually when you trip and the person chasing you catches up.

3) Husband was a big fat jerk. He got the cars, the video games, the clothes, and the TV remote. The McFlurry was the only thing Linda had until he refused it. Linda decided to burn it all down, starting with the nearest item. Husband better get home quickly, because Linda isn’t finished with you yet. The video games are going to get it next!!

All joking aside, the Hubster better not turn down my request for a snack because I took notes…

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