Flowing rivers of cheese and the fall of a fat kid…

Well it’s over, it’s all over! After an 82 day streak my Taco Bell addiction was too much. Hubster went to bed at 11pm and I started plotting my escape to get nacho cheese. I tried to be strong. I even appealed to social media for help but everyone was sleeping. By 1am the strength had left my body and I found myself driving along a dark road on the way to the shining beacon of the purple bell.

As I pulled up to my happy place, my conscience began to bother me. What about your friendship? You need to save money for a plane ticket. What about your health? Your heart was practically singing with delight because it was no longer bathed in plastic cheese. What about Lola? She innocently went to bed with Hubster only to be betrayed by you eating Taco Bell without her.

She’ll smell the cheese on you in the morning, no matter how many times you brush your teeth.

I viciously ended all those questions my conscience was spewing. I had a gift card to Taco Bell, so I wasn’t spending my airfare money. The only reason I held out using it for this long was the fear that eating it would renew my appetite for the Bell and I’d end up needing it every night. But that plan is out the window because if I don’t have some cheese now, everyone I know is in danger.

I need cheese to maintain my pleasant persona.

As far as my heart was concerned, I managed to quiet my conscience with a promise to do some exercise. My plan is to walk around the yard five whole times just to make up for the cheese bath my heart was receiving. I know what you’re thinking, 5 times won’t fix it! Yes it will. See, right now I walk around the yard zero times and the commercials on tv say you have to start small. I could have committed to only one small lap around the yard, but I’m an overachiever so I said five.

I’m practically a fitness guru now.

As far as Lola, I couldn’t make my conscience accept the plan to eat Taco Bell without her. I’d like to say that Lola wouldn’t know, but I knew she would. I decided to get her a cheese cup and save it until she woke up. She’d get her puppy nose all worked up, smelling the trash drawer and demanding I be beheaded and then I’d surprise her and whip out a cheese cup from the refrigerator. By the end of my reasoning, my conscience was impressed that I became the hero in the story.

I had finally arrived at my turn on the ordering line and with my conscience quiet, I went completely over the top. By the time I stopped ordering my total was $13. To put this into perspective, my largest trip is never more than $10 because Taco Bell is the king of inexpensive. The fact that I hit $13 should have made me pause, but I was drunk at the thought of cheese. I’d also like to say I was embarrassed by how much I was going to eat, maybe I’d even protest to you all that I ordered too much and I didn’t eat it all.

But that would be a lie.

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One of the cheese cups was to be for Lola… Lola will never receive it. I was so drunk on cheese that I ended up consuming her cup as well. The worst part wasn’t that I betrayed my adorable Lola, it was that she knew I betrayed her. She was in the bedroom sleeping and as I ate I could hear her moving around on the bed and huffing loudly. She never moves, she never huffs – once she falls asleep she snores steadily all night long. She knew.

I’m going to find poop somewhere unexpected today and I’ll have deserved it. But I’d do it all over again if given the chance.

So goodbye 82 days of sober living and welcome the old and awesome me! I figure I have about a week before my personality slowly starts to slide back to the slug that I am when there are no cheesey waterfalls in my life. I’m going to try to reach 90 days before I use the gift card again and pray by that time I have enough airplane money so I’ll never have to give up Taco Bell again.

My name is Heather and I’ve been Taco Bell free for 0 days.

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