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Lola and I have been studying the neighbors’ activities for the past week. Thanks to the 10 season spree we went on with Criminal Minds, we are both convinced there is a psycho killer in our midst and the only way to flush them out is to profile all of them.

I’ve been monitoring when the neighbors have their lights on because anyone who’s up at all hours of the night has to be a killer. I also listen for loud rock ‘n roll from the 1970s because all serial killers listen to that. I mean, really, how could you kill to 80s music?! It just makes you want to dance. But the final determination of a killer can be found in the kind of car they drive. It is something large that can hold a body and the windows have to be dark so no one can see the victim.

Well, I figured out who the serial killer in my neighborhood is, based on my excellent profiling skills…

It’s me!

I’m the one keeping odd hours while looking out the window suspiciously. (The paranoid glances out of my window are doing nothing to make me look more innocent.) I’m the one listening to rock ‘n roll from the 1970s because Bob Seger and Creedance Clearwater Revival are where it’s at. And I’m the one with the big car that can hold a body and has blacked out windows.

So I decided to do one of those before and after photos that Criminal Minds gives us. You know the one, it’s one photo of a grainy, smiling child from the pre-digital age followed my the current “crazy face” personality the psycho has devolved into.

Little Kid Heather

What a cute, innocent kid I was…

Crazy Heather

Holy shit, who is that?!?!

My hope is that the neighbors don’t watch any shows on psychopaths and profile me, I don’t want to have to move out any time soon.

P.S. My friend just pointed out that I can’t possibly be a serial killer because they kill animals and I have a Lola who I would die for.

P.P.S. I just told my friend that in the movie where the guy makes skin dresses, he has a fluffy white dog he loves.

P.P.P.S. My friend went completely silent. I wonder if she’s changing her name and subscribing to every newspaper so she can track my movements.


Check out my Facebook page @ShankYouHeather 

I also tweet like a bird on Twitter @HeatherKeet

You can also find me on Instagram @ShankYouHeather and @ShankYouDesigns

Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much 

 

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