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I was talking to a friend today and I guess I was speaking in big words with strange sounds. Specifically, I used the word auspicious to compliment the name she had chosen for her future child.

I’ve gone ahead and changed names so she can continue to hold her head up in society without the mocking of Facebook and Twitter.

Mary: I’ve decided I’m going to name him Kennedy.

Me: That’s a very auspicious name.

{Complete silence on the line.}

Mary: Why is it suspicious?

Me: Auspicious. It’s an auspicious name.

Mary: Heather, I think you mean suspicious. You’re pronouncing the word wrong.

{And now I’m flabbergasted and I’m desperately trying not to laugh and injure a pregnant woman’s feelings. She’s psychotic enough, let alone with all those hormones raging right now.}

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Auspicious and suspicious are two different words!

So much for holding in the laughter.

Mary: Well what the fuck does auspicious mean?!?!

Me: It means favorable to success, or future success. Like your kid is going to land a major job one day and be able to hire a houseful of servants for your mansion. And maybe I can live there with you and have my whims fulfilled by someone named Jeeves who wears white gloves.

Mary: Or maybe we’ll build you a shack out back since you’re laughing at me.

And this is why you don’t laugh at a pregnant person. They get nasty and take away your mansion, and your butler named Jeeves who brings you Twinkies on a silver platter that he’s holding with white gloves.

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