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I was eating those tiny pretzel hot dogs and watching a scary movie with a friend this weekend. It wasn’t supposed to be a scary movie so I thought I was safe to eat. I have a rule, no scary movies while the Hubster is gone and no scary movies while eating foods on the choking list for kids under 3. But it turned out to be a scary movie and my friend just forgot how much she hated it when she said we should watch it.

I think she made it all up and wanted me to suffer how she had to suffer when she was tricked into watching it.

So during one particularly tense moment I happened to suck in some air sharply while eating and it all went wrong. I immediately started coughing and trying not to die. My friend had a mild panic attack before managing to thrust some Coke Zero at me. She was screaming “You have to be ok!!!” like that was going to make the choking stop. All it did was make me choke harder because I started laughing.

So there I am, trying to hack up hot dog out of my lung, take a breath and drink some soda. At the same time. Then all of a sudden, the coughing stops. I’m so relieved. My throat is on fire, my voice is hoarse. But I can breathe again.

I take a deep breath…then freak out screaming, “What’s going to happen to me?!?! What can happen?!?!” Just like when George Costanza swallowed that fly in Seinfeld.

With every deep breath in and out I could feel this little rattle in my lung from a piece of hot dog. So my friend, being the diligent Heather tamer that she is, googled what happens when you inhale a hot dog in your lungs. Google said you could develop bacterial pneumonia and die.

FUCK YOU, GOOGLE!!!! I didn’t need to hear that shit! I’m already freaked out!

It’s a damn good thing George Costanza didn’t have the internet available to him, he would’ve went insane with worry.

I ended up deciding to sleep and see how that went. Obviously, it went poorly since hot dogs shouldn’t be sitting in your lungs. So, first thing in the morning, I called the hospital and they tell me I’m probably good. I’m a healthy individual and have no lung issues that would likely lead this to develop into pneumonia. I ask the nurse about the pain and what to do if it continues. She tells me I can come in but that they will have to “retrieve the hot dog.”

I know what that means. I have a friend whose one year old choked on a popcorn kernel that went into her lung. She had to be put to sleep and they went in to get it out. I’ll wait to try that until the pneumonia develops. Breathe through the pain.


Hot dogs and I are officially on a break.

P.S. It’s been two and a half days since this happened. I am completely congested and am hacking my lungs up. I’m a little worried. I’ll let you know if they need to retrieve the hot dog. And you can bet your ass I’ll ask to take it home as a souvenir. 

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