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I was eating those tiny pretzel hot dogs and watching a scary movie with a friend this weekend. It wasn’t supposed to be a scary movie so I thought I was safe to eat. I have a few movie safety rules. No scary movies while the Hubster is gone. No scary movies when there is any thunder and lightning in the sky.

No scary movies while eating foods on the kids choking list.

This movie slipped right past me. My friend recommended it during one of our girl’s nights. Sadly, she forgot how much she hated it when she said we should watch it. I’m not really sure I believe that excuse.

I think she wanted to make someone suffer since she had to suffer.

During one particularly tense moment, I happened to suck in some air sharply while eating and it all went wrong. I immediately started coughing while trying not to die. My friend had a mild panic attack before managing to thrust some Coke Zero at me. She was screaming ‘You have to be ok!’ like that was going to make the choking stop. All it did was make me choke harder because I started laughing.

There I was, trying to cough up a hot dog chunk out of my lung, take a breath, and drink some soda. At the same time. Then all of a sudden, the coughing stopped. I was so relieved. My throat was on fire, my voice was hoarse. But I could breathe again. I took a deep breath…and started screaming.

What’s going to happen to me?!?! What can happen?!?! 

Just like when George Costanza swallowed that fly in Seinfeld. With every deep breath in and out I could feel this little rattle in my lung from a piece of hot dog. So my friend, being the diligent Heather tamer that she is, googled what happens when you inhale a hot dog in your lungs. Google said you could develop bacterial pneumonia and die. It’s a damn good thing George Costanza didn’t have the internet available to him, he would’ve went insane with worry.

I ended up deciding to sleep to see how that went. Obviously, it went poorly since hot dogs shouldn’t be sitting in your lungs. I eventually called the hospital and they told me that I should be fine. I’m a healthy individual with no real lung issues and my body should take care of the problem. The nurse did seem to get great joy in telling me she could retrieve the hot dog if I came in for a visit.

I know what that means.

I have a friend whose one year old choked on a popcorn kernel that went into her lung. She had to be sedated and they went in to get it out. I’m going to take my chances.

Breathe through the pain.

It’s been two and a half days since this happened. I am completely congested and am hacking my lungs up. I’m a little worried. I’ll let you know if they need to retrieve the hot dog. And you can bet your ass I’ll ask to take it home as a souvenir. 

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