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Yesterday I decided to mow my lawn since it’s been about 3 months since I did so. The grass wasn’t actually tall but there were a lot of leaves on the ground and mowing seemed easier than raking.

I turned the lawnmower on and headed towards a pile of leaves, when all of a sudden a swarm of spiders went running. There were easily 1,000 spiders running in mass panic. Lola runs straight for the back door and smacks into the glass. I run after her and get us both inside as we watch these things run everywhere. You could tell they were babies, each one was only about the size of a dime.

I had the emergency call number cued up in my phone in case things got worse.

After about 10 minutes, all the babies has scattered and I decided to risk opening the door to continue mowing. I stepped onto the patio when I see the big mother walking towards me.

She was huge. She was hairy. And she didn’t give one fuck that I was bigger than her. She just headed at me with a deliberate slow pace. Like the one a serial killer uses when he knows your dumbass is trapped since you ran up the stairs instead of out the back door.

Lola came and stood right behind me and she was eyeballing the spider making its way towards us. After about two minutes, the spider was within 3 feet of me and Lola decided she’d had enough. She sprinted back into the safety of the house.

Little traitor.

The spider stood still at the 3 foot mark and just looked at me while I stared back at it. Then it happened. The fucker sprinted straight at me and I freaked the hell out. I stomped that thing with so much force that I broke my slipper – that’s a flip-flop for you folks not from Hawai’i.

I calmly went inside to change underwear before finishing the lawn.


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