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I was recently sitting next to a girl, very early twenties, and after about five minutes she must have felt me staring at her with the most perplexed look on my face.

She looks at me and asks what I’m looking at. Without missing a beat, I ask her why her lips are pursed like that. (I know, didn’t my mother teach me ANY manners?!?!?!)

At this point I realize I’m all in, so I one up myself.

Me: Why are you making duck lips?

Girl: What do you mean?

Me: Well, it looks like you are making duck lips.

Girl: Uuuuummmmm, I guess because men like pouty, full lips and I want to look attractive.

Me: How attractive can it be to look like a duck?

Girl: Well, everyone makes duck lips in selfies and on TV and eventually it just feels natural so I guess I do it without thinking about it.

Me: I’d start thinking about it. It’s not natural and it will eventually give you lines all around your mouth like a smoker.

And you look like a duck…..

Girl: Do you think I should do injections to make them fuller?

Me: I wouldn’t. What if they mess up and you end up with the top lip that looks like a bottom lip put on upside down? You’ll have a huge top lip and everyone will secretly think you look ridiculous but tell you how great you look. And you’ll have spent money to be mocked by your own friends.

And might I add that you probably don’t want to be friends with people who mock you behind your back instead of to your face. I mean, who needs friends like that?!

Girl: So, the first time we meet, you decide to just broach this topic?

Me: Yep, what if we become friends? I can’t look at duck lips! I mock reality TV for their duck lips. I can’t in good conscience allow a friend of mine to walk around looking like one of the idiots I make fun of.

Girl: Okay then.

There’s a very real likelihood that I should never be allowed out in public.

Several days after this happened, a friend of mine was watching TV with me and she became flabbergasted by the person on the screen. Her exact words were “Why does her face look like that?!?!”

I look up and it’s an obvious duck lips person on Bravo – the ultimate reality TV station.

Duck lips are not good. Yes, we are making fun of you.

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