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Specifically, any food you love before the age of 4.

Kid food is always there for me. Like when I have to go to the doctor and the only thing motivating me through it is the ice cream I’m getting at McDonald’s. We can blame my mom for this since after every one of my childhood surgeries and follow-up appointments she would feel guilty and get me a treat to make it better. Poor mom, I really lobbed my muscular dystrophy at her. She did forgive me though, she said she lobbed the same emotional missiles at her mother when she had all her surgeries.

I love macaroni and cheese, in just about every style and flavor. Homemade with a roux based sauce, shredded cheese over pasta, Kraft in a box…all of it is welcome in my world. There is a reason that I almost always order Alfredo in an Italian restaurant (or to be honest, any restaurant featuring adult food I just can’t get behind). I get to pretend to be an adult to fit in with those around me and I get to eat my beloved macaroni and cheese at the same time.

I love squeeze cheese in a can….because, let’s face it, it’s fucking awesome! Pairing it with crackers can be good…but sans crackers is also perfectly acceptable. In private. I mean, keep it together in public! I also love all cheese not in a can. Except goat. Goat cheese is not okay. (In true 4-year-old fashion, I make yucky noises and pass it on to my more mature friends.) So I guess it isn’t really all cheese that is yummy, and once again, just like a kid; blanket statements followed by limitations put on said statements.

Eating with me must be a challenge.

I love Spam. I have never met a kid who was served yummy, delicious Spam and didn’t like it. Unless their mom was sitting next to them making horrible faces and then the kid wouldn’t try it for fear that mommy was trying to kill them. Mommies can be real bastards sometimes, you must be on guard.

I love pasta. Anything noodles. Those are two different things to you adult food eaters. Pasta is shaped and normally served with a thick cheese coating. Noodles are long and can be served with cheese or even just butter, you know, because kids keep it simple. It doesn’t matter when, where or who I’m with. If there is pasta, things will be fine.

I love corn dogs, chicken nuggets, french fries.…and I will SHANK my mother to get a good grilled cheese. On white bread, with American cheese. Those are the best. It’s embarrassing because at Panera Bread the ladies always assume that when I order the grilled cheese I want the adult version with 4 types of weird cheese on a funky bread. And then I have to inform them I want the classic, American on white. You know, the one on the kid’s menu.

It’s a sad state of affairs.

Recently I got an opportunity to spend 10 days with my favorite boy in the world. My 2 (almost 3!) year old nephew. Every single meal was like a dream. His mom had let me know that whatever food I was likely to eat, he’d be likely to eat. And she was right, that kid is my food mini me.

I was gifted with the great privilege of feeding him his first Twinkie in life.

dereks-twinkie

Because Twinkies are the ultimate kid food. Cake, with frosting inside, so your mom is more likely to feed it to you since it won’t make as big a mess as a regular slice of cake. He loved it and I am the coolest Aunt that has ever walked this entire earth.

And nothing, no food on earth, beats out the all-American favorite…

food-hotdog

A hot dog with ketchup. Shank You America, you’re fucking fabulous!!!

I will admit though, since I was born and raised in good old Hawaii, I will eat the hell out of sushi. As long as it’s simple. Because once again, even my sushi taste buds stopped developing when I was in Kindergarten.

And now we move on to the shocker that is my life. The Hubster loathes most cheese. He will eat mozzarella like a maniac. And he sometimes, just sometimes, tolerates provolone or swiss on a sandwich. My theory is that my subconscious paired me up with him so that I would never go to jail for shanking my spouse for eating the last of the cheese in the house. Because I would shank him for that.

It’s wonderful knowing I’m not going to jail (at least for that) and that I can make cheese for dinner and not have to watch him eat the last serving in the dish. There is one drawback, it is hard to cook for someone who hates the core component of your culinary palate.


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