Dear Lola,

I’ve read your letters for years and honestly wondered if I would ever find myself in need of your help. It seemed that I was not going to be so fortunate and then a simple car ride with my children left us all bewildered. There was a scuffle amongst siblings in the back seat that resulted in our calling a truce until we had safely parked the car.

So, let me tell you what mayhem has been dropped at my feet.

My youngest child asked what happens when people die. My oldest quickly responded that good people go to heaven and bad people don’t. She further explained to her younger sister that good people get to see each other in heaven and have fun forever, while bad people end up sitting in a sauna with no water. Oldest was smugly gloating over her knowledge when my youngest asked how the people find each other if they don’t know what the other person looks like. Oldest, still feeling smug, retorted that they knew each other in life so they would recognize each other in Heaven.

That’s when youngest hit her sister with the most vicious bit of logic ever.

If you die first, you don’t know what your loved ones look like when they finally die after you and get up to Heaven. Thus, the great argument began. Youngest thinks you die and look exactly like you did on your last day alive. Oldest thought you died and got to pick how you look from any point in time in your life. She reasoned that she gets to design her characters in video games so Heaven would probably be the same.

I couldn’t argue with that logic but my youngest sure did. Please settle this debate, it’s been days and they still bring it up in heated conversations.


Car Conversations

Dear Car Conversations,

When I go on a ‘simple’ car ride, I find myself dreamily staring out the window. Gazing up at the clouds, basking in the warm sun, even grabbing a quick nap are all wonderful activities to partake in. With the music turned up and the car snacks in abundance, my car rides have never resulted in my engaging in a brawl over what someone looks like when they die.

Perhaps you need to rethink the routes you drive with your Miniature Humans.

Now let’s move on to the question that has been posed. This may be shocking to hear since I’ve never said it before in all of my canine life, but I have absolutely no idea what you look like when you die. I do not know if you enter heaven in the state of your final moments, or whether you can choose a previous age like a video game avatar. Unfortunately, I don’t think anyone has ever been to Heaven and then come back to report what happens.

Obviously, we cannot share this information with your Miniature Humans.

We also cannot reaffirm one of their ideas as being correct or the other Miniature Human will declare World War III in retaliation. You would never, ever have another peaceful car ride home from school again. Unless you sedated the occupants of the car. However, I advise you against that as it could be considered immoral, if not outright illegal.

Which leaves us with very few options left to solve this sibling squabble.

I think it’s time to call in the big guns. I am deducing that somewhere in your history of raising Miniature Humans, church has been attended. I would otherwise wonder how your Mini Humans even knew the concept of Heaven and Hell and burning in a hot sauna for all of eternity. If you do attend a church or religious school, tell your Miniature Humans to ask their religion teacher to solve this argument.

Not only do your Miniature Humans get an answer, you avoid a migraine at the same time!

If you have not attended church or a religious school and your Miniature Humans merely picked up this concept from society as a whole, then I have great news. Simply tell them that Heaven and Hell are fake and you turn into butterflies when you die. Then your Miniature Humans will be off on another stream of thought trying to figure out what colors they want their wings to be. This discussion will eventually filter out to all their tiny friends and imaginations will run positively wild.

Crisis averted, plus you’ll get some interesting notes home from their teachers.


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