Dear Lola – Out of control LEGO collection…

Dear Lola,

My daughter loves LEGO. She has many sets and they take up her expansive loft bedroom. The only problem is that she no longer plays with the sets. She simply puts them together and then places them up on her shelves for display. I know part of this is her age as she enters her teens, but it is becoming a problem as she has run out of room on her walls for more shelving. My daughter argues that my wife and I have an entire house to collect things and she should not be limited to a bedroom. She wants to display her LEGO builds in our family room but I want her to learn that all collections have to be limited when space runs out. The battle is on as I find LEGO appearing in other parts of the house and have to move them back to my daughter’s bedroom. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Burdened By Bricks

Dear Burdened By Bricks,

I feel the need to preface my answer to you with a disclaimer. I love LEGO. Not only do they come in a variety of shapes and sizes that make for interesting inventions, they are also extremely colorful and pleasing to the canine eye. I can also attest to the fact that they are rather tasty thanks to a few brief moments when I managed to get one in my mouth. I was promptly commanded to drop it and my LEGO eating adventure was over. However, I got the last laugh because my humans can never erase that delicious memory and I revisit it often.

If only LEGO were a food group, we could solve your problem in about a week.

Since that is not an option, we must resort to more standard solutions for a collection that has grown larger than the home it occupies. Next time your Miniature Human leaves the residence, gather her LEGO in the middle of the room and begin to dismantle every single set, brick by little brick. It is important to get all of the sets dismantled before your Miniature Human returns and begins to fight your efforts.

You may want to consider calling a few neighbors to help you with this effort.

Make sure to target the neighbors on your street with the youngest Miniature Humans because they have most likely been recently terrorized by a plastic LEGO brick under their foot in the middle of the night. These rage filled parents will likely enjoy shredding a few LEGO sets in retaliation.

If, however, your neighbors are decent, moral people, then you likely won’t get any help.

Fear not, I have another solution to dismantling the LEGO sets in record time. Simply drop them all onto the floor using a bit of muscle in the process. Thanks to their plasticky nature, they will break apart at the joints and spare the bricks from any real damage. Use a broom to quickly smash apart the remaining pieces until all you are left with is rubble. Sweep the pile up and place it into a large trash bag. Leave the bag of LEGO in the center of the bedroom and wait for the screeching to begin.

As your Miniature Human fills with rage, calmly explain that you are challenging her to a duel.

I feel I should mention at this point that the duel I’ve proposed is more theoretical than physical. Well, for you. It is definitely going to be physical for your Miniature Human. Wait, that sounds quite terrifying. Maybe I had better explain myself a bit more. Propose to your Miniature Human that she must now work to rebuild her collection one set at a time. Once she has rebuilt them all, you will allow her to showcase anything that doesn’t fit in her bedroom throughout the rest of the house.

I can already feel you sweating bullets.

Fear not, I’ve already thought this through and it’s a rather elegant solution. Your Miniature Human has been working on these LEGO sets for years. They were all boxed and bagged and sorted by set with detailed instructions for each. Sorting the thousands upon thousands of bricks is bound to take your Miniature Human at least a year. You can prolong this by peppering her with additional chores after school. Is it diabolical? Yes, it is.

Diabolical is the only method of defeating a Miniature Human.

After that first year or two of sorting, the rebuilding will truly begin. This will be less time-consuming than sorting so be sure to add even more chores at this time. You can even enroll her in some extracurricular activities after school to really slow her down. Be sure you avoid feeding her sugar late on a Friday night or she may finish multiple sets over the weekend.

The key here is to prolong this process until she’s off to college.

If you are looking for a more subtle solution, I’ve also got that covered. The next time your Miniature Human puts a LEGO set in your shared living space, provide her with an itemized bill for one-third of the mortgage and utilities. If she thinks she is entitled to use the home as she sees fit, she can help pay for the privilege.

My Daddybeast tried this with me once. I left a poop nugget by his pillow.

I doubt your Miniature Human would take it to this level, but I thought I would be honest with you about possible ramifications. Now that I’m really thinking about it, I doubt the legality of my solution. The last thing you need is your Miniature Human seeking a lawyer and finding yourself on the wrong side of this issue. Losing face will surely set you back in your argument over LEGO placement rights.

Now, before you grab the broom or generate a bill, I feel the need to share the possible ramifications of my solutions.

You may permanently destroy your relationship with your Miniature Human. There is also the small possibility that your Miniature Human will end up on reality television, spilling to the world what a monster your were to her over a beloved childhood pastime. There is the rather large possibility that your Miniature Human will take to social media and create a catchy dance to go along with her tale of woe. It will definitely go viral and you will find your face plastered all over the internet and morning shows.

They will most definitely not pick a flattering portrait with which to shame you worldwide.

On the off chance you may actually want a relationship with your Miniature Human, I have a compromise that may work. It will cause you some level of distress as you adjust to the changes, but I think its simple elegance makes up for that. Pick out several LEGO sets that you find the most fitting for display in the home’s communal rooms. Surely there are a few options that would retain that ‘grown up’ look you seem to be striving to achieve.

The Seinfeld LEGO set is a big talking point when people visit my living room.

Once you’ve selected a few sets to remove from your Miniature Human’s bedroom, the transaction is done. Any future LEGO purchases will need to be displayed in her bedroom. This means your Miniature Human will need to decide which set she is going to dismantle and store away for future use.

Just be sure not to buy her any LEGO sets before she moves out or she can file an appeal with the Court of Mom on the grounds that you are engaging in unethical and/or cruel gift-giving practices.

♥Lola♥

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