I would like to preface this letter by stating I’m generally a friendly person who finds it easy to get along with just about anyone I meet. However, I absolutely hate my coworkers. I don’t mean that in the sense I just don’t care to be friends with them. I detest them with every fiber of my being. I loathe that they sit around in their nest of cubicles and talk about people all day long. Snide comments just roll straight from their head to their mouth any time someone sends an email, calls their phone, or walks by on their way to another office. I like where I sit because I have a window but I’m now thinking of requesting a desk change to the windowless room next door. What do you think I should do?
Dear Friendly Fran,
I’m going to take you at your word that you are normally a friendly person who gets along well with others, because I’m generally a trusting canine who likes to take people at their word. Now that we’ve gotten all the prefaces out of the way, let’s jump into the center of this problem you’ve found yourself trapped in. Though I do wish you had included a bit more information, such as the profession you work in and your willingness to leave it for greener pastures.
Have you considered auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise?
Those women get paid to argue for a living over the most trivial topics you could ever dream up. It seems like your current workplace has been preparing you for a potential career which could see you earning a hefty sum per episode. All you have to do is get a manicure and then whine about how hard it is to find good help to clean your rented mansion. Oh, you also have to be prepared to pick an argument with your fellow cast mate when she greets you with one air instead of two.
The nerve of that cheeky wench not greeting you with respect!
Now, in the event that you actually do deplore drama and have no desire to achieve fame using petty insults and overly large eye-rolling, we may need to explore your other options. It sounds like you think you are stuck between a window and a tomb, but you do have another choice. Every time one of your coworkers pipes up with a rude comment, state ‘that’s not very nice’ in a clear voice, loud enough for the group of hyenas to hear over their snarking.
Their embarrassment will render them speechless for a few minutes, at least.
This technique will eventually lead to them snarking about you any time you leave the room, but I would bet you a year’s worth of my treat money that they are already doing that. In fact, I’ll double my wager based on my knowledge of the seedy underbelly of human nature. That pack of hyenas will have identified you as an outlier the moment you didn’t join in with their little group dynamic and instantly set upon you as fresh meat.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Not only will you keep your spot by the lovely window, but you’re very likely to get one or two of them fired when they switch to messaging their snarky comments to one another using the company computer.
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