I accidentally left the television remote within reach of my son while I went to take a shower the other day. When I came back into the living room, a very questionable channel with rap music was blaring away. Not thinking much of it, I quickly changed the channel. I’ve just been informed that my son has now taught his entire preschool class how to wave hello… using only the middle finger. So, there’s that. I’ve already talked to my son but the parents are still quite irate with me. What can I do to smooth this problem over?
Middle of a Muddle
Dear Middle of a Muddle,
I have long wondered how great my life would be if I only had a bit more dexterity in my paws. I imagine a well-executed middle claw extended at just the right moment would notify all offending humans that I was peeved. Instead, I am forced to use my best side-eye paired with an indignant huff to get my message across.
Your Miniature Human is living his best life.
Let’s examine the situation for instances upon which you can improve. Obviously, you can never take another shower again while your Miniature Human resides under your roof. You must immediately throw out your television set and replace it with a record player. Then, you simply have to approach each parent individually and inquire as to which arm they would like you to amputate in order to appease their bloodlust.
Instead of smoothing things over, you should order a pizza.
Treat yourself to a lovely dinner that you do not have to cook. Then, sit back and enjoy your family’s moment in the limelight – because it is sure to fade quickly. Within a few days, some other Miniature Human will appear at school with a new word they heard and the shock and horror will pass on to another parent.
By the end of the school year, I predict each parent will have spent some time in the hot seat of humiliation.
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