My husband and I have been engaged in a long running argument for the past five years of marriage. Neither one of us is willing to concede defeat and believes the other person is completely out of their mind. It has gotten to the point of daily passive aggressive actions that cause the other person to curse each time their tush hits the toilet seat. I believe the toilet paper roll should come over the top of the roll, falling within easy reach. My husband believes the toilet paper should come off the back of the roll, forcing the user to grasp blindly until finally locating the end. My husband and I have agreed that we will abide by whatever method you advise in an effort to stop the war. Which way does the toilet paper hang on the wall?
Battle of the Bums
Dear Battle of the Bums,
There are very few tenets in society that are worth waging a fierce, lifelong battle against your spouse. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your philosophical bent, your marriage has run headfirst into one of those basic principles. You are now left with only one option – extreme warfare until the other person concedes defeat. Or finds themselves softly sobbing in a corner of the room while they eat a tub of ice cream. Either way, the war will be resolved.
You, madam, have married an utter barbarian!
I only wish you had identified this terrifying trait before marriage so you could avoid the unpleasantness that has befallen your life. You see, toilet paper psychopaths are impossible to change. It is not in their nature to make the call of nature any easier on themselves or the people around them. They enjoy the struggle of trying to find the end of the roll. They thrill at the cursing they hear when their loved ones spend minutes rolling the paper, uselessly searching for the end. It makes them absolutely giddy to see the toilet paper roll dwindle to almost nothing, before falling to the floor in a useless heap of broken dreams.
You could accurately liken these toilet paper maniacs to axe murderers.
An axe murderer is similar to other serial killing psychopaths in that they all want to kill people. Yet the axe murderer has chosen one of the most difficult methods of carrying out their goal. Not only do they need to conceal a giant axe from their potential victims, they have to then heft that heavy weapon over their head in order to get the job done. Meanwhile, other psychopaths carry a gun or a knife and expend minimal effort for the same result. Your spouse enjoys making his toilet routine more onerous than necessary, just like that ludicrous axe murderer.
Sleep with one eye open – your husband is not to be trusted.
Since your spouse went on the record in agreeing to abide by my decision, I will take care to write it in clear and concise words. Should he default on the promise he has given, you should write to me immediately for further advice. I know many ways to hide a body thanks to the invention of the television and I even have a few handy hints of my own.
I also know which countries have the best food and no extradition treaties.
Toilet paper should always be placed on the holder, with the roll coming over the top in a delicate curtain. Civilizations will crumble if the roll is positioned in any other way, including standing uselessly on the counter near the toilet because the holder was empty.
The people who commit that atrocity make axe murderers look like harmless cherubs.
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