Thanks to the pandemic, my company has permanently switched my schedule to allow me to work from home. My husband was also working from home, but his company has returned to their regular office schedule. When we both worked from home, we each had an office space that the other did not enter. Now, my husband invades my office space whenever he is not working at his office. He’ll wander in with random questions while I’m on the phone, look for items he’s lost, and even place household paperwork on my keyboard so that I can ‘handle it’ when I have time. I am beyond frustrated that he is no longer following the boundaries that he helped to establish when we both worked from home. I’ve tried casually reminding my husband to stay out during my working hours, and I even returned the paperwork to his now unused office area, yet he persists in bothering me. I really need the Lola method of getting through to my husband.
Working Woman Turned Waspish Wife
Dear Working Woman Turned Waspish Wife,
I can sense from the short paragraph you wrote that you are mere days away from exploding all over the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. I wonder if you are now thinking that one of those lives is going to have to be much shorter than originally anticipated.
Do not answer that question without a lawyer present.
If I’m reading between the lines correctly, and I do believe I am, you are in search of a completely over-the-top solution to your current problem. I believe you called it the Lola method. While that phrase is quite catchy, it is missing a bit of the gravitas that I add to my kookier plans of forcing humans to bend to my will – hence, I will be changing it just a bit.
The Lola Method. Trademark pending.
As you can see, the capitalization of the words have now lent it a more serious tone. A more Morgan Freeman-like approach, so to speak. However, unlike the ever honorable Morgan Freeman, I ditch the gravitas after a few minutes as the solutions I provide descend into anarchy and chaos.
By the time my plan is complete, your enemies will rue the day they annoyed you.
You will need to commit to seeing your spouse as the enemy in order for my plan to succeed. Dig down deep and remember each time he has annoyed you in your marriage and I’m sure it won’t take long for those tiny annoyances to fester into full-blown rage. Rage leads to retribution and that is the avenue we will be cruising down today.
Begin by calling your spouse every 10 minutes at his office.
Sure, this will effect your work day quite dramatically. Think of it as time well-spent in the grand scheme of the rest of your working life. Can you really tolerate having your husband annoy you every single day until you finally reach retirement? I sincerely doubt it! So take a day off work and prepare to barrage him with telephone call after telephone call until he begs you to stop. Be sure to leave him excessively long, rambling messages that use up his voicemail inbox.
Send random text messages every 10 minutes, staggered between the phone calls.
What we are aiming for is maximum distraction. Yes, your spouse can put his phone on silent, but we all know that soft buzzing sound from the desk drawer will drive him to distraction. I predict he will be calling you at lunchtime to beg you to stop messaging him. This is when you ramp up the program. Increase the frequency and stupidity of the text messages. Ask him where your favorite sock is – the one with purple stripes that you know you threw out when they got a hole in them a year ago. Remind him he has a dentist appointment in four months. Tell him that his coat is back from the dry cleaner but you think it is a different color than the one that went in. Argue with yourself about the color of the coat, sending each sentence as its own text message. Then follow up with photos of the food you eat that day. Every.single.grape.
Print out your favorite novel and throw the pages into the air.
I know what you’re thinking – this plan has gone too far. No, no, my little bumblebee, this is when the plan descends into chaos and anarchy. This is when we break the fools around us to our wills. You will collect all of the pages and leave them in a chaotic mess. No rearranging pages back into order, no straightening them into a neat stack – we need your spouse to realize you will go to any length to crush his spirit. You will plop this plethora of pages on his side of the bed, under the covers, for him to find at the end of the day. Then you can tell him to ‘handle it’ because he isn’t busy at the moment.
Commit his stunned face to memory for your future grandkids.
If the three step process I have outlined doesn’t work to cure your husband’s annoying habit of interrupting your work day, you will have to resort to what I lovingly refer to as The Extinction Phase©. I won’t lie to you and tell you it sounds worse then it is – if anything, I’ve made it sound kind and gentle. You may want to hire a lawyer before you enter this phase so that you have his phone number committed to memory.
Place ghost peppers into all of your husband’s food.
All of it. Rub those peppers on all the fruit in the house. Boil down a few peppers and sprinkle drops into all the beverage containers in the refrigerator. Make sure to give the milk extra attention, your husband will run to that to calm the burning. Just when your husband is seconds from a fiery death, present him with a glass of uncontaminated milk you hid and dare him to drink it. After he refuses, due to fears of a double-cross on your part, drink the glass with a smile on your face.
Your husband will have no choice but to cave to your diabolical will.
He will also have no taste buds for the remainder of his life, so dinner time just got easy in your house! That’s the real secret to The Lola Method™ – you start out with one goal and fulfill others along the way.
Lola wants to hear from you. Send in your questions today by clicking the link in the menu at the top of the page. You can also reach Lola at any of my social media channels.