Dear Lola – Greedy canine uses guilt to control his human…

Dear Lola,

Why do dogs need to have their belly scratched? My dog will demand that I pet his belly and when I stop he looks at me like I am the worst human in the world. It makes me feel so guilty, even if I have been petting him for an hour. Surely there must be a natural conclusion to a belly rub or we would all starve to death!

Sincerely,

Doggone Depleted

Dear Doggone Depleted,

Humans have no concept of the incredible joy that belly rubs bring to the canine population. You may think you know, but unless you are one of the species, you have no actual idea. There are very few places on a canine body that we ourselves cannot access and the belly happens to be one of them. Even if we contort our bodies into terrifying positions to see our belly, we still cannot do anything about it.

Canines simply cannot tickle their own underneathy bits.

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Have you ever wondered why canines will scoot themselves across an entire room on their belly, dragging themselves along with their front legs while their back legs trail uselessly across the carpeting? Contrary to popular human belief, we are not doing this for your amusement. Canines are in need of constant belly rubs to power our incredible brains and humans have a tendency to let us down in our critical moments. Thus, we have to act out a foolish scenario that leaves our delicate underneathy bits with rug burn. Meanwhile the humans in the area mock us with their commentary about our silly personalities instead of being the helpful hand puppets we need them to be.

Quit wasting those opposable thumbs you humans boast about!

As for your concern about starving, I assure you that none of my fellow canines will allow that travesty to occur. While belly rubs are the fuel that powers the mighty canine brain, snacks are what power the magnificent tail that we wiggle with absolute delight. We will allow you to cease giving us belly rubs in order to prepare snacks – which you will naturally share. Then we expect you to immediately resume showering us with affection.

Those underneathy bits aren’t going to tickle themselves!

♥Lola♥

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