Dear Lola,

My son and I had a lively debate about the odds of human survival if the dinosaurs came back to life. I am of the belief that humans would dominate because we have shelter, technology, and weapons on our side. My son thinks the dinosaurs would win because they are big and scary, and they have a lot of teeth. I know it’s wrong to admit, but I’d like to trounce my five-year-old in this argument because I win so few of them. Who do you think would win in a battle of survival, dinosaurs or humans?


Dino Dad Needs A Win

Dear Dino Dad,

It’s time to put on your Big Boy Pants because you are the one about to be trounced. After what I can only assume were hours and hours of cartoon dinosaur research in the wee hours of the morning, your Miniature Human concluded that dinosaurs would be a mighty foe to the human species. He was indeed correct about the natural pecking order if certain species suddenly sprang back into existence thanks to a devil-may-care approach to dino DNA.

Dinosaurs would displace humans at the top of the food chain.

Humans have 32 teeth. While a seemingly impressive number, very few of these teeth are sharp enough to do damage to anything more than a plateful of lettuce smothered in salad dressing. Heck, even croutons have been known to cause havoc in a human mouth if the eater is not careful in how they are biting down. Meanwhile, the Tyrannosaurus Rex has 60 teeth. In case you failed math, sixty is much greater than thirty-two. Did I mention those fancy dinosaur teeth happen to be serrated?!

By the time you lift your weapon, the T-Rex has bitten you in half.

The world’s most elite human runners have managed to reach speeds of 27 miles per hour. This is an extraordinary speed since I myself am only capable of 10 miles per hour. Unless there is bacon in the area, in which case I can actually levitate off the ground in my sprint to the kitchen. However, these speeds are not common amongst the average human population, who are most likely to achieve a sustained speed of 6-8 miles per hour. A Deltadromeus, whose name literally translates to runner, was capable of 40 miles per hour when hunting. While hiding in your house may seem plausible, the Deltadromeus was 26 feet long and 10 feet tall. One swoop of the tail and the walls of your home would cave in.

Your short human legs would never get you to the car in time.

The average IQ of the human species is between 85 and 115. This sounds very impressive, though I have to confess I do not have much to compare it with since canines are too intelligent to get caught taking a meaningless test when they could be napping. If human intelligence were instead measured by the length of time one could survive in a jungle without permanent shelter or grocery stores, I suspect that number would be significantly less impressive. There are no Amazon deliveries in the jungle, despite its name. Meanwhile, the Raptor family of dinosaurs used their large brains and intellect to dominate the world around them. They worked in groups to hunt, verbally communicated instructions to one another, and confused their prey until it gave up and waited to be cooked. Given enough time, I’m sure the Raptors would have developed their own written language.

The invention of the iPhone is not going to save you from the barbecue pit the raptors are building.

If you are still in doubt about who would win if dinosaurs came back to life, I recommend you rewatch the Jurassic Park series. In every movie, there is one common denominator to the human’s success. The humans fled from the island that dinosaurs inhabited… with far fewer humans than they started with.


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