Lola was too exhausted from her weekend of eating barbecue pork and french fries to write her Dear Lola column this week. She apologizes for the inconvenience but knows you’ll understand that food is an extremely important part of a canine’s life. She hasn’t left you empty-handed, however. Enjoy this column from our archives!

Dear Lola,

I’ve often thought about a career change because I deplore my current profession. Since I want my job to be exciting and pay well, I’ve determined that becoming a ninja is the best course of action. I do need your advice on one aspect of the job, regarding payment. When hiring out my services, would it be unethical to imply that there will be dire consequences if payment is late? I could always charge a late fee, but that might lead people to assume I am not a competent ninja.


Novice Ninja

Dear Novice Ninja,

Yes, it would be unethical to imply dire consequences when pitching a client to hire you for your ninja services. It is very likely the client would hire another ninja to avoid possible death. I would simply recommend getting payment for all deeds, dastardly or otherwise, in advance of the job being completed. Or a 50-50 split if your client needs proof of job completion. Now that I’ve addressed the question posed, can I tackle the actual problem here?!

What color ninja suit do you plan on wearing to work?

Pink lycra spandex can be very flattering on the body, though I have always preferred purple. My Mommybeast bought me a pink harness when my purple one broke and I loathe it. But it has reflectors and my Mommybeast likes to repeat ‘safety first’ every time she buckles me into it. So, when picking out your ninja costume, think safety. Ninjas should not be reflective, it’s very hard to sneak up on people when they can see you coming from 100 meters. While red would cover up blood, ninjas should be skilled enough not to worry about this problem. Plus, we have amazing stain removers nowadays, in the event something terrible happens. You could also consider brown, though you really run the risk of looking like the poop emoji. Thanks to a well-known movie, that might draw too much unwanted attention to you during ninja missions. The most obvious choice of course, is black – I would advise against this.

A black ninja suit could look a little Batman-ish.

Batman works for free, you don’t want to confuse the clients! This is why I recommend you consider dark blue. Pair it with the right shoes and dark blue will be the perfect day look. I’m sure you’ll blend in on the morning commute. Then at night you’ll fade into the background, just make sure to move in quick ninja fashion. With luck, the citizens will merely assume that a very fast police officer ran by them.

I can’t wait to tell that rogue neighborhood cat that I know a ninja. He’ll need to find a new front porch to sleep on…or else.


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