Dear Lola,

My wife is constantly losing the remote to the television and it is driving me absolutely crazy! I have found it in the couch cushions, under the couch, on the dining room table, in the bathroom, and even on the floor next to our bed!! I should mention this remote control is NOT(!) to our bedroom tv, but the household set we all share!! Every time I bring up the topic, my wife becomes angry and tells me I need to let it go. I wish she would let the remote go… on the table next to the couch so we wouldn’t have to constantly search for the blasted thing!! Help me!!!!

Reluctant Ransacker 

A cartoon rendering of Lola running across a television screen with the phrase 'previously on Dear Lola... a ball was chased for hours.' TV Lola is chasing a ball.

Dear Reluctant Ransacker,

I can sense that you are two seconds away from a complete meltdown based on the number of exclamation points used in your letter to me. Two dozen is definitely a record and I hope you aren’t upset that I removed half of them – I was afraid it would scare the other readers.

I was also afraid my book editor would scream if I submit this as a chapter in a future volume.

Book editors can be slightly touchy when it comes to punctuation and I currently pay mine in tacos – having to increase her wages would financially ruin me. I was especially impressed by the ALL CAPS word followed by the (!) for extra emphasis of your rage and frustration, so I’ve left that one alone. I may have to throw in a burrito when my editor gets the manuscript. Of course, none of what I’ve said so far is helpful to your situation but I hope these few moments gave you time to cool down so you could fully appreciate my suggestions.

Glue the remote control to a table in the living room.

Pros: Remote is always available. Remote is always pointed in the correct direction.

Cons: It is no longer a remote control since you have to move your body to it, instead of it moving to where you are seated. If you swap out furniture, you have to replace the tv. May not be able to replace batteries.

Hide the remote control when you are not using it.

Pros: You will always know where to find your remote control. Batteries will never be drained by other’s use of it.

Cons: Wife will be angry. Very angry. She may very well burn your clothes and smash your treasured collectibles.

Assign your child to harass your wife when the remote control goes missing.

Pros: Wife is not yelling at you. You are not yelling at wife. Marriage counseling not needed.

Cons: Your child will end up hating you both. You will have to pay for counseling bills to deal with child’s emotional trauma.

I’m just going to level with you, there is no solution to your problem.

People who lose remote controls are never able to fully reform. You can remind them, nag them, even yell at them until you are blue in the face, and they will never know where they have left the remote control. It’s time to resign yourself to spending hours of your life looking for the elusive scrap of plastic. If it helps, these hours will be broken up into small chunks of time over the next several decades.

Hope, even the smallest sliver, can carry a marriage for years.

At least your wife hasn’t gone on vacation and forgotten where she left the children.


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