The ice cream cone melted…

30 years ago.

Such an innocent statement, but it is proving quite distressful to my generation. My brain hears that phrase and instantly thinks about 1970. Not that I was alive back then, having been born in the early 80s when everything became cool – you’re welcome for that, by the way. We had Nintendo. We had neon clothing. We had MTV.

We had normal Tom Cruise who hadn’t gone all Scientology on us.

Yet whenever I hear the phrase 30 years ago, I immediately skip over two decades of time while calculating what decade someone is referring to. Perhaps my brain decided that 2000 was the easiest starting point to calculate time. Instead of thinking about 2020 and then having to subtract 30 years, my brain saves itself the work and just thinks about classic rock and the sheer number of serial killers who went unnoticed before the digital age.

Imagine a generation of potential victims who cheerfully picked up hitchhikers!

There is another more sinister reason that may explain why my brain (and those of my peers) cannot get it together. Perhaps the year 2000 was really supposed to be the end. Computers were supposed to have overthrown us during that terrifying moment in history known as Y2K. The fact that humans survived was an unexpected outcome. Survival wasn’t our only accomplishment – we actually managed to get our computers to change their date and join us in the new millennium!

Obviously someone messed up the Matrix by spilling ice cream on the keyboard.

So here I am, awake in the middle of the night, wondering how I’m going to factory reset my brain so that I can relate to all the young people who attempt to talk to me.

I’ve never felt so old in my life.