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Dear Lola,

My name is Simon and I am 6 years old. I asked my dad to write to you, he has your book and he let me see the cartoons in it. Good job drawing them! I don’t like my mommy’s cooking. I don’t think my dad likes it very much either, but he works until it’s dark out so my mommy always cooks dinner. I like her macaroni and cheese, but everything else is gross. Chicken is the worst. I love chicken nuggets but she always gives them to me and they are soggy. I really like the crunchy ones from McDonald’s. I don’t want to hurt my mommy’s feelings because she is nice to me. Can you tell me what to do?

Sincerely,
Simon Says (Not the Nuggets!)

Advice for humans. They need all the help they can get.

Dear Simon Says,

Oh Simon, you are an absolutely wonderful Miniature Human. Night after night you eat food you don’t like, just to make your mommy happy. You even eat soggy chicken nuggets when there are so many other wonderful chicken nuggets to be eaten in this world! I prefer the chicken nuggets from Jack-in-the-Box more than McDonald’s – but they are much bigger.

Once you get your big people teeth, you can taste them.

It does sound like your mommy is a terrible cook. Chicken nuggets are one of the easiest things to make – you simply open the package and bake them. They should never, ever come out soggy. I suspect your mommy is making her own chicken nuggets instead of buying them in the bag. That would explain the soggy breading. It would also explain why you love your mommy’s macaroni and cheese.

I bet your mommy’s macaroni and cheese comes from a popular blue box.

That blue box is the yummiest macaroni and cheese and whenever my Mommybeast makes it, I drool all over the kitchen. Making macaroni and cheese without a box is much harder and it takes a long time, so most mom’s only do that on special holidays. Which is very great news for you, since you have to eat yucky food all the other nights of the week.

Hooray for the blue box of cheesy delight!

I think you should ask your mommy to take a cooking class with you. I bet it would be very fun to cook with her – you will learn how to cook and your mommy will learn how to make a proper chicken nugget. Make sure you ask the teacher to show you how to make pizza at home. Pizza is delicious and if you make it at home you can put as much cheese on it as you want.

There is no such thing as too much cheese when it comes to cooking.

If your mommy can’t find a cooking class for you to take, then you’ll only have one thing left to do. Tell your dad to buy hundreds of blue boxes and make one every night when he comes home from work. You will still have to eat your mommy’s yucky food, but at least you’ll have one yummy thing on your plate.

On the other hand…

You could pretend to have a belly ache that only feels better with the blue box or chicken nuggets from McDonald’s. Every night when your mommy gives you a plate of yucky food, grab your stomach and tell her it hurts too much to eat that. Make sure you groan really loudly – falling off the chair will also help prove that your belly hurts. Then when your mommy asks what she can do to make it better, hand her the blue box or the car keys (depending on which food you want to eat that night). Or even better, you can ask her to get you McDonald’s chicken nuggets and then make macaroni and cheese when she gets home!

That plan is diabolical and brilliant, but it does have one flaw.

Your mommy could decide to take you to the doctor and find out what’s wrong with your belly. What if the doctor says you can’t have cheese anymore?! I don’t think that plan is worth the risk – stick with asking your dad to make a blue box of cheesy delight every night.

A note to Simon’s dad – Maybe you should admit to your wife that her cooking is terrible. Simon can’t do it, he’s just an innocent child dependent on his mother’s good graces. If she becomes irritated with Simon, he may go weeks without seeing a plate of macaroni and cheese appear before him. Or worse yet, there could be double portions of broccoli each night. The horror! Simon is worth your sleeping on the couch for a night or two… or ten, depending on how irate your wife is after that brutal honesty. 

♥Lola♥

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