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Dear Lola,

My wedding was a few weeks ago and I’ve been thinking long and hard about how to address a guest’s breach of etiquette. Her phone rang in the middle of the ceremony and it completely ruined the entire event for me. Not only that, but it also utterly destroyed the video memory of my big day. It took me two years to save up for my wedding and it all feels tainted now. My friend did apologize to me during the reception afterwards, but I just feel like she should have reached out again now that I’ve returned from my honeymoon. How would you suggest I get this conversation started?

Silence is Golden

Advice for humans. They need all the help they can get.

Dear Silence,

I can see it now – a woman in white, a man in black, a preacher standing between them with the experience and gravitas needed for such a momentous occasion. The joining of two people in holy matrimony is at stake as the preacher says, ‘Is there anyone with a reason these two should NOT be joined in…’

Then the blaring sounds of Carrie Underwood’s ‘Before He Cheats’ begins playing in the audience.

I could see how this would be embarrassing for you. I could also see how it would be hilarious to everyone else in the audience. I’m reading a bit between the lines of your letter and guessing something similar may have actually happened. Why else would a phone ringing completely ruin the entire event and utterly destroy the video memory of this precious day?

Surely your marriage vows are more meaningful than that!

I have a feeling my lighthearted reply will not sit well with you, so I’ll offer a second solution. Save your money for the next two years. Instead of using it to build on your married life – traveling, buying a house, experiencing adventures – you should instead use the money to host a whole new ceremony and reception. Make sure you send out the same invitations, have the same florist, wear the same dress, and serve the same dry chicken with sad side salad. Also require the guests to wear the same outfit, just for your memory book.

Then sit and watch the video of the event for the next ten years… alone.

Let’s be honest, your new husband will run far away and your family will drop you like a cell phone loses signal in the underground tunnel to your secret lair.

Wait! You don’t have a secret lair?! Oh… umm… neither do I. Let’s just forget I said anything.

Your friend didn’t mean to utterly destroy your entire life through a series of dastardly plots and plans – it’s time to let this go. In fact, there may come a time when you have a bit of fun with this incident – provided you wait until the malice in your heart fades a bit. Give her a gift card to the app store this holiday season and be sure to jot a few ringtone recommendations in the card. Or wait until you’re at her house for a dinner party and have your ringtone set to ‘Better Than Revenge’ by the popular Taylor Swift. The ultimate cherry on top would be waiting until there is a funeral and setting your ringtone to the entirely juvenile, but oh so funny, “BA-NA-NA” shouted by the yellow Minions. Then, as your friend desperately tries to hold her tears at bay as she delivers the eulogy, you use your husband’s cell phone to call your own.

That eulogy would be immortalized amongst your social group!

Mommybeast is now lecturing me about taking my profession seriously. In light of the scolding she has just given me, I should point out that the last suggestion was JUST A JOKE. Do not ever go to a funeral just to zing a girl with a revenge phone ring. I say go with the gift card option and enjoy the wedding video, ill-timed ringtones and all.


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