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Dear Lola,

My daughter is getting married in a few weeks and she asked me if I have any tips or advice to give her. I’ve never been married so the question took me completely by surprise. The best thing I could think up was that she should never go to bed angry. I know you aren’t married, but I was hoping years of living with a couple might give you a unique perspective. What advice can you give my daughter?

Mother of the Bride

Advice for humans. They need all the help they can get.

Dear Mother of the Bride,

You are right in that I’ve never been married, but I do think I can help you navigate this tricky situation with three key tips. Before we do that, I’d like to clear up something – your daughter will go to bed angry at some point. Every married couple on Earth owns a couch that doubles as a bed for whichever spouse is currently the bigger idiot. The only other solution may well be murder, which certainly seems a bit more dire than sleeping while angry – and usually results in huge legal bills! Which brings me to my first marriage tip.

Pillows are only to be used for sleeping.

No matter how hard your spouse is snoring, pillows should not be placed over their mouth to muffle the sounds. It seems so simple, but this is often the hardest rule for all married couples to remember. By night of snoring number three, the sleep-deprived partner loses their grip on reality and then all manner of terrible things will happen. This is when you take your pillow and move to the couch.

Never ask what’s for dinner.

The spouse who asks this question is implying that their partner is responsible for feeding them because they obviously can’t be bothered to move into the kitchen and sort their own meal out. This in turns leads to the partner opening the refrigerator, pulling out a lone orange, and lobbing it at the idiot’s head. This is when you take your pillow and move to the couch.

No good can come from loading a dishwasher together.

Let me repeat, no good can come from this! No two humans have ever jointly inhabited the space around a dishwasher and loaded it the same way. You are in a room dedicated to sharp objects and those objects are actively being moved from counter, to sink, to dishwasher – this is not the time to test your ability to hold onto your sanity. Best case scenario is that someone gets lightly stabbed with a spoon. This is when you take your pillow and move to the couch.


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