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Dear Lola,

I was recently out to tea (lunch) with a friend and we had a disagreement over how to politely decline something that is offered to you. The server offered me a wine sample and I replied with a simple ‘no, thank you’ and he walked away to do other things. My friend told me that I was rude and should say ‘thank you, no’ in the future. I was baffled by this because they are virtually the same exact thing, said in a different order. My friend believes that leading with the negative is offensive so you must start with the thank you. 

Sincerely,
Tea Time Terror

Advice for humans. They need all the help they can get.

Dear Tea Time Terror,

You are a menace to society! Next we’ll see you swinging from the restaurant chandeliers while wearing underwear on your head. To follow your friend’s thought pattern would mean that the negative is left for the end and could be perceived as rude or offensive since it’s the last impression the person has of you before walking away.

Your friend needs a hobby if this is the only thing she could talk about.

I can think of 30 topics that would be more fun to dwell on and that includes a veterinarian visit where they needed to wear rubber gloves! Terrible things have happened to me and I would still rather revisit the trauma than dwell on the simplest statement you will ever make in your human life. It’s not like you muttered ‘thank no you’ or the even more weird ‘you no thank.’

Tell the waiter to fuck off, that should liven up the next luncheon conversation!

When your friend’s mouth drops open in shock, try tossing a few treats in. Double points if it doesn’t hit her teeth on the way in! If that doesn’t work then I think you need to seriously consider bringing up your most recent pelvic or prostate exam. If you still need help with her, write me back and I’ll tell you what happened to me after the vet put on her rubber gloves. Spoiler alert – it wasn’t to give me a cookie.

โ™ฅLolaโ™ฅ

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