Terrible things happen once the Hubster goes to bed at night. As soon as his head hits the pillow, I emerge from my bubble of sanity and unleash Night Heather onto the world. Usually Night Heather only affects those on the internet, but sometimes she ventures out into the real world and makes her presence known to the people of her community. Those poor, unsuspecting people of her community.
Taco Bell employees get to see a lot of Night Heather. Police officers on the night shift get to see a lot of Night Heather. Sometimes they inadvertently become just like Night Heather – these nights are the best.
Here’s the story of one such night.
It was 2300, or 11pm if you don’t know how to work a 24 hour clock. Night Heather could hear the snores of a contented Lola, followed by the slight arm shuffle of Hubster as he tried to get free of his brindle cuddle buddy. It was a balmy 70 degrees in the house, but to Night Heather it felt like 90.
Night Heather was not happy.
As she prepared for her expedition into the deep abyss that is the nighttime drive-thru, Night Heather decided to prepare a special music playlist to celebrate the day’s achievements. The blog had hit high stats and Day Heather had dazzled her own mind by thinking of ways she could save the world from an alien population that no one but she and Lola could see.
Rewards were being handed out and Night Heather’s belly was calling dibs.
But first, her ears would get a treat in the form of Fall Out Boy. As Night Heather drove to the Taco Bell, she listened to her music as loud as she could physically stand it… and as loud as the radio would play. It was so loud, Night Heather could barely use her rearview mirror with all of the shaking. She wanted to preserve some hearing for her Taco Bell order, so Night Heather backed the volume down just a little – but it was too late!
There, just in the darkness ahead, a police car sitting on the road.
As Night Heather passed the officer, she wondered if tonight would be the night she couldn’t talk herself out of trouble. For some reason, the police in Night Heather’s neighborhood are awfully concerned about her late night Taco Bell visits. While not conclusively related, Night Heather’s state has passed a law making marijuana legal – maybe they think everyone heading for food late at night is driving under the influence?! Those pot smokers must get snackish late at night. Night Heather wasn’t worried though, she doesn’t smoke marijuana and was well within the speed limit.
Night Heather had not done anything wrong. Or had she?!
The officer approached the driver’s side window and leaned towards Night Heather. Ahhh, he was subtly smelling the air for any hint of legal, but not while driving, substances. “Nothing here officer, do you like the air freshener that smells of ocean water?!” Night Heather tends to be sardonic at the most inopportune times. The officer asks where she is headed and Night Heather proudly states her destination.
The cheesy waterfalls created not by nature, but by people.
Apparently, when people describe the Taco Bell cheesy goodness to a police officer instead of just stating the name of their destination, he wonders if his nose failed him and you are in fact high on drugs, or drunk. This was the moment that Night Heather realized that being a wordsmith was not in her best interest and she should answer all further questions with one syllable.
This was not what Night Heather should have done. In fact, it hurt her case.
Night Heather ended up using yes and no about five times before the officer asked if she would perform a field sobriety test. She asked why and the officer said he couldn’t tell if Night Heather was ok to drive because she answered the first question in an odd format (damn you cheesy waterfalls!) and then clammed up and would only answer with one word.
Here’s where honesty became Night Heather’s best friend.
She began to string together every word that her brain was thinking. Night Heather began talking about Day Heather’s blog, then launched into a big explanation of why she couldn’t pass a field sobriety test even if she were sober, which she most certainly was. This is where the officer seemed to want to call for help but decided to ride out the call for a few more moments. Night Heather continued babbling.
Night Heather can’t walk a straight line. Literally can’t do it. That’s the primary purpose of a sobriety test. Sure drunky, you touched your nose, but you tipped over when you tried to walk a line. FAIL!
Well Night Heather can’t walk that line!!! (Day Heather can’t walk that line either, she’s given it her best shot.) She has tried her whole life but Night Heather’s muscular dystrophy, coupled with her inner ear troubles, have made her a stumbling mess that is lucky she lives to see each day. Day Heather had to wear kneepads to school as a child and if that’s not a medical problem, I don’t know what is!
That’s when the officer asked why Day Heather had to wear kneepads to school.
Ah, Night Heather had him hooked on the story! She showed off her scarred kneecaps from the many attempts to defy gravity and run like the other children. Then Night Heather showed him her scarred up feet from all the surgeries that apparently made her feet less likely to topple her onto the ground… according to the doctors. Night Heather doesn’t believe the doctors, but obviously she can’t undo anything to see if she would fall more often had she skipped the surgeries. But that isn’t important to this current story.
The officer became engrossed in the conversation, asking Night Heather how old she was before she could stop wearing kneepads. Before he knew it, the officer had her life story, could find her blog online to read about this incident later, and he gave Night Heather a little advice to hopefully make her Taco Bell runs easier. Keep the radio low enough that they don’t hear her coming for a whole mile.
Stayed tuned for When Night Heather Goes to Taco Bell Vol. 2 – what happens when she gets to the drive-thru.
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Lola and I opened a store so we can sell our funniest blog sayings on cool stuff. Check it out at Shank You Very Much or click to see a special collection below: