I never thought I would live to see the day that toilet paper brought about the end of our society, but that day is indeed here. A popular US company has decided to plonk us all over the head with an invention that we all thought we needed – before we had given any thought to what it’s ramifications for our species would be.
This is our dinosaur extinction moment.
Okay, I think I’ve got the majority of the grandiose statements out of the way so that I can actually help you to understand the chaos we are about to be plunged into.
Charmin has introduced a roll of toilet paper that will last the average family an entire month. It may not sound so terrible on the first utterance, but say it again while imagining how many rolls you change in a month. The number is probably staggering, especially if someone in your house is over 35 or under the age of 10. For some reason the years between 10 and 35 are when we use the least number of squares per wipe. It’s probably the naivety of youth combined with our first taste of paying for all of our own bills.
Suffice it to say, this roll has to be massive in order to last a month.
In fact, the roll is so big that the company had to design a special holder to put in your bathroom. It stands tall in the center of the room, a beacon of hope that you will never run out of paper again – but also because the toilet paper roll is so round that it cannot fit anywhere else. They also offer a wall mounted option, but I can almost guarantee you will lose that wall the first time you have to access the toilet in an emergency.
And you may lose the kneecap that crashed into the roll – a minor detail, I’m sure.
Thankfully I’m here to weigh out the pros and cons of this life-altering invention that could bring about the end of humanity as we know it. (Oh, guess I had one more grandiose statement after all.) It’s probably best to bring this up in discussion at your next dinner party so everyone you know and love is aware of the danger lurking around the corner.
Pros of having a month long roll of toilet paper.
Cons of having a month long roll of toilet paper.
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