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Dear Lola,

Wedding season is coming and I am dreading it more than the thought of growing old and dying alone. I in my late twenties and as all my friends began tying the knot, I’ve found myself wondering how seemingly normal people think it’s okay to badger a fellow wedding guest about their marital status, or lack thereof in my case. I went to six weddings last spring and summer and at every single one of them I was grilled by strangers as to the lack of ring on my finger. I would love to blame it on older people who just need a topic to converse on, but these people are all of a similar age to me. What’s a good way to handle this situation in the future? I have four weddings to go to within the next three months and I worry about my liver’s ability to process the liquor needed for the inquisition.

Sincerely,
Stunned Spinster

Advice for humans. They need all the help they can get.

Dear Stunned Spinster,

Wow! You are almost thirty and still unmarried.

How many bottles of sour grapes have been consumed as you cry yourself to sleep on a Saturday night?

I hate to tell you this, but the prime of your life passed you by and you missed all the great things about it. You didn’t get to meet your mother-in-law and have an epic showdown over who is now the most important person in a certain man’s life. You didn’t get to have a nervous breakdown during financial counseling as you learned how to squash two people’s luxury needs and instead pay a mortgage on a crappy little starter house. You didn’t get to learn that your spouse is possibly the stupidest person on the planet because he breathes in a manner that you find offensive when you are in the middle of a great episode of your favorite show. You didn’t even get to negotiate the thermostat settings with a deranged spouse who loves heat like it’s a freebie handed out by the utility company.

Hmmmm, what point was I supposed to be making?!

Oh yes, that these wedding guests you’ve encountered have all drank the marital Kool-Aid and now they want to sucker you into their misery because we all know it loves company.

FYI, those Kool-Aid drinkers all died.

Let’s be brutally honest for a moment. Getting married young has its upsides and its downsides. Getting married when you’ve lived a bit of life has the same two sides. The only thing I can guarantee you is this – marrying someone for the sake of marrying is a recipe for disaster. I’m so glad you didn’t choose this path because I have a feeling you would be writing me a letter asking if murder is wrong when your spouse has ruined the ending of a movie you waited months to see.

Short answer, he totally had it coming and you will need a lawyer!

Now let’s turn to the actual task at hand, which is to save your liver from a lethal dose of sour grapes. What should you say to the nosy people at the weddings this year? Simple. Tell them you’re just waiting for your ‘people’ to arrive on planet and then you’ll quickly get to the task of spawning new beings. (You must use air quotes when you say people, it’s crucial to the plan’s success.)

Wedding revelers will walk away as fast as they can manage in their fancy shoes.

Your liver is now safe from harm and I do hope your ‘people’ will consider the English bulldog as the most treasured companion once you’ve taken over the planet.

โ™ฅLolaโ™ฅ

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