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Dear Lola,

I’m writing in for my 10-year-old daughter. She happened to see your photo on my phone and she needs a bit of help with her two younger twin brothers. No matter what she puts on the television, her brothers fight. She will try to appease one, then the other brother gets vocal. If she appeases her other brother, the first one ruins the show with his incessant talking. My poor daughter just wants to watch television and be able to hear it at the same time!

I would like to add a mom note that I cannot bring myself to tell my daughter – it would crush her. While she is in school all day, her brothers will happily watch the same shows.

Sincerely,
Saintly Sister

Dear Lola

Dear Saintly Sister,

Siblings can be quite a pain – they eat the last of the good snacks, stink up the bathroom, and ruin perfectly painted chalk art by riding their muddy bicycle wheels over the sidewalk. Television is sacred in this house and people interrupting my shows can lead to revenge in poop form.

Humans cannot use this method of revenge, but I have others for you!

First, hide all of the remote controls from your brothers. Their ruining your television watching should not result in them watching it while you are at school. Your mom was protecting your feelings by not telling you this secret, but I think it’s time you embrace your inner Darth Vader and take your brothers in hand.

Now that you have the power of the remote control, viciously hold it over their heads until they bend to your will. You are the eldest, if these heathens won’t listen to you then the rest of society is doomed. They’ll grow up to loot stores, race their cars on public roadways, and spit in the street near a group of well-dressed strangers.

Your revenge is actually a valuable public service.

If your mother suddenly realized that writing to a bulldog for advice was the worst thing that she ever allowed you to do, I have another solution. It’s simple and elegant, and will preserve whatever sibling love is left after all of this television bickering.

Send the twins to bed a bit earlier so that you can watch a show in peace.

Now, I’m off to finish bingeing on my latest Netflix obsession – in peace and quiet. My Mommybeast knew that getting me a sibling would result in absolute chaos that I would make her pay for tenfold. She’s a smart woman.

♥Lola♥

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