I live in a house full of practical jokers. Every time I walk down a hallway I have to be prepared for something to jump out at me. Eating snacks in my house is fraught with danger – chocolate gets laced with hot sauce and salt is dumped on food for an unsuspecting mouth to find. I am tired of it! It would be nice to walk down a hallway without having to worry about breaking an ankle as I flee for my life. Or better yet, have a snack in peace without needing a gallon of water to wash it down.
Can you give me any advice on how to get my family to take this seriously?
Practically Out of Patience
Dear Practically Out of Patience,
I am sensing from the tone of your letter that you have never enjoyed the fine art of payback. A shame really, because it’s a wonderful tool to make even the most seasoned practical joker think twice. I will therefore have to fall back onto my second response for this scenario.
The fine art of revenge.
I know what you’re thinking – payback and revenge are the same thing. You have so much to learn, my innocent human. Payback and revenge are two entirely different concepts. Payback is meeting a challenger on his own turf and doing to him what was done to you as a form of retaliation. Revenge is meeting a challenger on a field of your choosing, and then laying waste to that person in a much more spectacular manner than anything that was done to you.
Revenge tastes like the sweetest dessert ever created, that is then topped with sprinkles.
Because your letter was pretty vague, I’m hesitant to offer up solutions of revenge – it’s unclear how old your Miniature Humans are and therapy can be costly. I’m therefore going to tell you to look deep inside yourself, to the dark center where the evil resides, and then allow your imagination to run wild.
Show no mercy!
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