I’ve been thinking recently that it would be nice to get my dog a sibling. I work away from the home and I think he would appreciate the company during the day. I am worried a bit about doubling my parenting workload, but I think my wife and I could handle it. The most concerning issue is if Sir Barkerton would actually like having a sibling. Try as I might, I cannot seem to translate his response to my questions on this issue – though I deduce there is much talk about cheese and biscuits.
Sir Barkerton’s Human
Dear Sir Barkerton’s Human,
I applaud you on coming up with such a regal name for your canine. I myself was named after the British race car manufacturer and I’ve lived up to my name – careening around the living room at top speeds, before slamming into my Mommybeast and knocking her over. I hope Sir Barkerton has lived up to his name and makes every neighbor within 200 feet aware of his domain. I also hope he has a mustache and a plaid sweater – it would be very fitting.
Now on to the matter of a puppy sibling. Sir Barkerton’s needs must be considered before any new interloper’s, and his opinion is the only one that actually matters. I’ve developed a checklist to ensure that both Human and Resident Canine know exactly what New Puppy entails.
- The cheese and snack budget must be tripled. Doubling will not suffice since Resident Canine is now having to deal with the shenanigans of the untrained New Puppy running underfoot. Resident Canine has the right to eat New Puppy’s cheese as a punitive measure for any infractions.
- The sofa cushion that is currently claimed by Resident Canine will not be reassigned for any reason. Note that even if New Puppy is small, cute, and too stupid to know better, Human will enforce this rule without compromise.
- Beds are never to be shared. Resident Canine is allowed to push New Puppy off his/her bed in order to check that the levels of coziness do not exceed his own bedding. If New Puppy’s bedding proves more comfortable, Resident Canine can claim both beds and New Puppy is shit out of luck. Human is responsible for purchasing more bedding in this event.
- New Puppy will never, ever, under penalty of fierce stare downs resulting in dry eyes, be allowed to kiss Resident Canine’s favorite Human. Any kisses must be approved in advance and Human must pretend to merely tolerate it. New Puppy should seek to love Resident Canine’s second favorite Human instead.
- Human will hold themself responsible for any malarkey that ensues after getting New Puppy, and Resident Canine will be placated immediately.
If you are not able to commit to these conditions in their entirety, you should reconsider getting Sir Barkerton a sibling. He may just as well enjoy you leaving the television on for him while you are at work!
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